Mama's so mindful... or tryin' to be!

So I dropped off the map.

2010-05-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have been way to busy living life to write about it, so my poor little blog has been neglected. Also it has become fodder for porn-in-code posting commenters, which is why I now moderate my comments before they are published.

News in my life:

I have gotten WAY into raw food, and am loving it. Also am loving the weight loss that comes with it. It has been so fast I am almost concerned. But mostly I am just loving it.

I have been reorienting on how I look at homeschooling. Again. I am focusing on how Pablo learns rather than what he needs to learn, and trying to figure out more creative ways to work with my kinesthetic/visual-spacial boy. He wants to get the heck out of 3rd grade, and if he stays this motivated, I bet he does soon.

I'm sure there is way more to say, but this is all I got for now.

And anyone posting comments in code will officially be considered to be writing porn on a wholesome site. Uncool, dudes. Bugger off.

Because everyone needs a song about the periodic table!

2010-03-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

This is Pablo and Beebz's favorite new video. Wanna place bets on how long it takes us to learn it?

Summer Dress

2010-03-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

I just finished Beebz's first summer dress. It was super easy, once I got over the weirdness of sewing knitting with a sewing machine. This pattern bears repeating.

I am also working on a knitted polo style dress. I am at the point where I believe it will never be finished, so I guess I must be getting close!

Me? Radical?!

2010-03-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

There was a show on discovery called "Radical Parenting" a few weeks ago. Now, I was really excited, because I thought I would see something new and innovative. But then I watched the show and I was SHOCKED. Because it was basically me, represented by 3 families. Not totally, but way more than I thought it would be.

I mean really. Attachment parenting is RADICAL? I thought that was just good, attentive parenting. Pretty standard for any full time parents. I mean, I know full time parenting is pretty rare these days, but has it really gotten THAT unusual? Yes, these folks were a bit unusual because they used Elimination Communication, but that isn't a tenant of attachment parenting. It is just for parents who want to up their difficulty level and try for bonus points.

And the segment on gender neutrality?! That one kind of pissed me off, because I thought that was going be some mindbender about androgenous kids named Jamie whose parents won't tell people whether Jamie is a boy or a girl. It was just some parents who let their boys PLAY WITH DOLLS. Really?! THAT is radical? All boys don't play with dolls? They didn't even have nailpolish on the boys' toes. Give me a break.

The only ones that were even approaching radical were the unschooling parents. Now, just as EC was mixed into the attachment parenting segment, there were multiple things going on under the "unschooling" heading. These parents believe in no structure at all, for anything, down to hygiene. That's all well and fine for them, but that is not what unschooling is. Unschooling is about letting the child choose their learning path, and about learning via experience. It is not just a total free for all for the kids. So I guess these folks were kind of radical. I mean, the schooling part was pretty reasonable (tho a wee mite further than I would go with having no academics at all, but whatever). Having no structure at all whatsoever? Yeah, OK. That is kind of radical. But not called unschooling.

All in all, I was left wondering just how far out I am on the bell curve. Exactly how many standard deviations am I from "normal" in my parenting? Wherever it is, I am happy here.

Stomach viruses suck.

2010-03-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

Man, oh man do I hate it when the family gets sick.

I really can't complain, though. In all of his 6 years, Pablo has now vomited a grand total of 3 times. Ever.

But 3 out of 4 of us got the nasty little bug, each 2 days apart.

I am "recovered," meaning no longer actually sick. I am not, however, back up to full speed. That will take a few more days. The kids ARE back up to speed, so keeping up with them will be a challenge.

My sainted partner stayed home and took care of all the healthy people while I moaned in the bed. Look closely next time you see her. You will totally see a halo.

Apparently the Universe was listening part 2...

2010-02-27T13:55:00.000-08:00

When Pablo's birthday party FINALLY came around, we asked to borrow a table from my partner's brother. They brought this amazing table that bears a strong resemblance to the tables in the lunch rooms of my youth. You have seen them and used them. They collapse but are big and super sturdy. We used it, and when we made plans to return it, we were told that we can have it on permanent loan.

I was thrilled. I have really been wanting to create a space for homeschooling, even though we are pretty informal, because I think it is important to hold a space for it. We had been using the dining room table, which got pretty messy and confusing when we had projects and meals going simultaneously. So, I set of the table in our music room, and tried my best to organize everything without actually having any bins or drawers etc.

Then my birthday came around, and my friend Karen became a miracle worker by offering me 3 sets of awesomely cool plastic drawers. These things are awesome. They transformed my homeschool space into a paragon of organization. The kids and I are thrilled.

YAY for a school room!! We have used it all week and just love it. This has become the most popular room in the house.

Apparently the Universe was listening...

2010-02-25T13:34:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago it snowed like crazy in Dallas. I was insanely jealous. So the universe sent me SNOW!! One whole day of snow. The kids started out kind of wimpy and wanted to come in after only a little snow play, but it was really wet snow so our hands were all freezing. We made a teensy snowman, and went inside to warm up.

In the afternoon, we got awesome powder. The kind that stays nice and dry as you make it into a snowball but nice and wet once it slides down the back of your neck. We had a massive snowball fight, and at Beebz's request I made a snow puppy and a snow turtle. The turtle was no big thrill, but I am pretty fond of the puppy!

Girl Fight!

2010-02-15T07:18:00.000-08:00

This winter we have been pretty obsessed with Wii Fit Plus. It is an awesome way to get exercise and be indoors at the same time. We all have our favorites, along with nicknames for the games we like the best.

Beebz's favorite is one from plain old Wii Fit, where you sit on the balance board and focus on a candle. It is called Lotus Focus. The point is to be still and peaceful, even with distractions (the game does some funny stuff to try to surprise you, like footsteps in the background, panning around the candle, and other things. She loves it. And she is not bad. The only mystery is her name for it: GIRL FIGHT!!!

Ah, the Zen of Girl Fight. It makes sense in a way, since we are in a constant struggle between that part of us that wants to be peaceful and our monkey mind that distracts us for any reason or no reason at all. It is an internal struggle that we face. That part of us that wants to be distracted, the part of us that wants to focus, and all the parts in between, all working together to create the tapestry of our lives.

Who knew what an amazing philosopher she could be?

Edible Elements for his Birthday!

2010-02-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Mindful Mama and I am a compulsive birthday cake maker. It was this project that let me know I must have a problem. This is 110 mini cupcakes. I am certifiably certifiable. It took about 7 hours total. It was, however, totally worth it. (For those who don't know, I make a the kids' birthday cakes to represent their favorite toy/thing for the year. They get to pick.)

We had a great party, complete with science experiments and lots of playing in the (rare these days) sunshine. It was small enough that I actually got to hang out with people, which seems rare for our parties. Most importantly, Pablo loved both the party and the "cake". Never again with the cupcakes, tho....

Next year I am hoping he picks a chess board. White and dark molded chocolate pieces. Awesome. (Yeah, I know. I told you I am ADDICTED.)

her new smile

2010-02-04T08:30:00.001-08:00

Last year it became apparent that Beebz had an enamel defect on one of her front teeth. The tooth just crumbled in a matter of days. The dentist said we would probably have to hospitalize her and take the tooth, but that we should wait as long as possible. Basically, if it started hurting her, it was time to take action. Otherwise we should wait for her little body to have be stronger to deal with anesthetic etc. So we waited.

She turned 2. We went to the dentist. When they cleaned her teeth, she sat there like a trooper. They even managed to get an xray of her snaggletooth. The dentist decided she could possibly fix it in the office, and that she could very likely save the tooth! It was worth a try.

BEFORE: (left most tooth of the front 4)

AFTER:

She was amazing, sitting still the whole time with mouth open wide. The dentist said she is the third 2 year old she has ever done this with. We are just so very glad we didn't have to do the hospital thing. And we love her new SMILE!!!

Simply Beautiful

2010-01-28T09:53:00.000-08:00

and exactly what I needed on a very hard day.

Done!

2010-01-27T10:26:00.000-08:00

Man, I totally forgot to post finished pics of my hat! Here you go.

I chose the best model in the world.

Free from Kitchener!!!!!

2010-01-22T08:39:00.000-08:00

I freakin' love cables!! SO very fun. This is my new favorite thing to knit, officially! I am done with the band portion of my new hat, and I am so so so excited!

An extra fantastic bonus reason for my excitement, besides doing cables, is that knit like a pirate taught me to graft. No more screwed up kitchener for me!! From now on, I graft. Go on and find where the graft is below. I double dog dare you!! I will give you a hint. It is not where you think it is!! WOO HOO!! I love grafting!!!!!

Five plus one cannot possibly be six.

2010-01-17T10:55:00.000-08:00

Because that would mean my little baby Pablo is 6. And that can't be. So, I am thinking maybe we could bend the laws of mathematics, and therefore change the entire structure of the universe? Go back in time?

Aw, ok... I guess he IS 6.

Happy Birthday, little boy. This is all going so very, very fast!

This is so like me.

2010-01-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

It started so innocently. I went to visit a friend. I took my knitting. Like you do. As a back up project (I always travel with at least 2... yeah, I know. Addicted.), I grabbed some yarn I had bought for the love of the color (a dusky pink). I had thought of socks, but then decided on a hat like Beebz'. A simple spiral rib, super cute. The pattern had been given to me by a dear friend.

Well, I accidentally ended up leaving the pattern at my friend's house. Related is the fact that I did not knit at her house, but I did show her the pattern. sigh.

You must understand, I am a stubborn person. I like to do things MYSELF, even if it is reinventing the wheel. (I will pause for a moment for everyone who knows me who is laughing at just what an understatement this is. Done? K. I will go on now.)

I wanted to start the hat, and knew that I wouldn't need the pattern until it decreased at the very, very top. Except for the number of stitches to cast on, I could do 9/10ths of this hat sans pattern, no problem. But did I call either friend to ask how many stitches to cast on? No. Don't be silly. That would be...rational. Ha. I don't ask. I figure it out for myself. See above.

So I went on Ravelry.com (LOVE IT) to peruse patterns to see how many stitches might make a reasonable start. While on there, it occurred to me that I really didn't LOVE the brim of the spiral hat, and that a little Celtic knotwork brim might be really nice. After drowning in hat patterns, I emerged with a brand new project. Gone is the simple little hat. I am now doing THIS!

Have I ever done cables before? NO. Will this stop me? Ha. Stubborn, see above. I started last night, and cables aren't nearly as scary as I thought. This is several rows in, and they look like they are supposed to look!

FYI, knit like a pirate is pretty darned funny, and should be read even by non-knitters, just for the humor value.

I am grateful for gratefuls!

2010-01-13T13:03:00.000-08:00

My daughter may be the best person ever to help me develop into a more spiritual, mindful person. She knows how to be present, and to be grateful for what is. It all began with a little pre-meal tradition of saying things for which we are grateful. Beebz has expanded this exponentially, with her announcing: "I do gratefuls!!" randomly throughout the day. It can be anything from her brother, to her dolls, to the sunshine. Then she runs off shouting, "blessed be!!!!!" as she goes onto other things.

I have read many times to use your child's voice or some thing they do as a reminder to check in, find your breath, and renew your connection to yourself. With this kiddo, she all but knocks me on the head with the reminders.

This actually dovetails nicely into my new commitment to do 1 minute meditations throughout the day. It all comes from the book One-Moment Meditation: Stillness for People on the Go. My partner got it for xmas, and I started reading it. So far, so good, and Beebz is better than a bell or chime to remind me not only to meditate, but to do it with a spirit of gratitude.

Thanks, baby girl, I am grateful for you!

How Pablo's Resistance to Sleep Aids in Homeschooling

2010-01-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

It all started like this. Any parents knows that one of the classic stalling techniques is to ask questions. Pablo has recently become a MASTER. As a dodge, I gave Pablo a notebook and pencil and told him to write down any questions. I promised that I would answer all his questions the next morning. I honestly had no idea how amazing the questions would be and where they would lead.

Night 1: only 7 questions. All were about whether you can choose when your baby is born. So we talked about C sections, why some people think they are a good idea to do in a non-emergency way, and the risks associated with making that choice. And how I made the choice to let both him and his sister come naturally, without cutting me open.

Night 2: questions 8-30 (see pic above). No, don't worry, there weren't actually 22. Most said things like "14: see 15. 15: see 16" I was laughing so hard I almost woke the rest of the family. My favorite was "What do you mean when you talk?" At least, that's what it looked like. Pablo's writing is great when in a straight line, but he was writing all tiny and crazy and in little boxes he had drawn. What he meant was "How do you make yourself talk," ie how do we produce sound.

So this morning we looked in our handy "How We Work" book, and discovered the wonders of the larynx and vocal cords. We explored how the sounds we make are shaped by our lips, tongue, and mouth, all without us really thinking about it. We had so much fun creating crazy sounds!

Other questions were about light. How do light bulbs work, why do they break, how are LEDs different from regular (oops, still need to look that one up!), how do light switches work, etc....

So this morning we got out our handy hand me down jr circuit board and built a light. We learned about conductivity, open circuits, closed circuits, etc. Who knew this was how I would spend the day?!

The best part is that Fridays are our days off from homeschooling, assuming we have gotten our stuff done. I had thought he would need a break. Turns out, he would only need a break if I were the one creating the schedule. I don't think he even realized any schooling took place. This is such a great reminder of how easy it is when I don't fight against the flow of life with my kiddos.

Oh, and some other questions included: what is in pillows?, how do you make things comfy?, and do you like these squiggles over here on the side that I drew? God, this child makes me laugh.

Another birthday party has come and gone

2010-01-04T08:45:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Beebz's birthday yesterday, with a wonderful party at home! Many family and friends made it, all at Beebz's request. We had a great time, but as always, I didn't feel like I got to spend time with anyone. We had a houseful, thanks to Beebz making the guest list. I don't think she realized everyone would come at once. She was pretty overwhelmed with the number of people that fit into our house. I was happy to see everyone, but I was sorry to see some faces missing. There were people I wanted to invite so that I could see them, (she wouldn't even know them since it has been so long!) but because Beebz is still a big ol' introvert, so I didn't want her too overwhelmed. Since she asked for about 30 people to come, I figured I shouldn't add to the chaos with my own personal additions.

I managed the requested dollhouse cake, with only a few hiccups. I had planned it all out, since my usual cake issues are caused my me not letting things cool enough. Icing a warm cake is fine if you just want it yummy, but it won't be pretty. So, this year, I learned my lesson. I made the 9x12 cake the day before. I made the icing the day before. I was freaking ready. But then my partner and I both decided that one 9/12 cake wouldn't be enough, so the morning of the party I made a second cake. I used it as the base, and managed to get everything cool enough. I also found my favorite food coloring spray paint to color it. I love this stuff. It is fun to use, and makes for a funky, groovy looking result. The house has a tilt to it, but it didn't actually FALL, so I count it as a success. My biggest problem was in keeping little fingers off of it. "Just a little taste" adds up to a lot of holes in the icing, especially once you start coloring it!

Thanks to everyone who came! It was a lovely time, and I am so grateful for all our wonderful friends and family.

Why the holidays aren't over

2009-12-29T13:26:00.000-08:00

So many people are back to the daily grind this week, but I feel like I am still right in the middle of the holidays. Why? Wellllll....

Because I still have xmas presents to wrap.

Because I still have xmas presents to deliver.

Hell, because I still have xmas presents to MAKE.

Because New Year's Eve hasn't happened yet.

Because New Year's day hasn't either.

Because I still have a birthday party (or 2) to host.

Because I am still punch drunk from being around SO MANY PEOPLE after months of mostly being around just the kids.

And even tho I am home alone with the kids and back to "normal," it feels FREAKISHLY abnormal and maybe if I pretend that it is only because we are still in the holiday rush, it will (hopefully) make me feel better.

awwww. I just heard my little girl ask her brother to sit in his lap for some snuggles and he of course immediately agreed. Just seeing them all snuggled up makes me feel all peaceful and happy. What a nice break from the holiday grind!

I guess my baby isn't a baby anymore.

2009-12-29T08:15:00.000-08:00

She is 2. TWO. Wow. How could this have happened? I don't remember authorizing this. Really. Two. geez.

We had a lovely birthday with her yesterday, despite the fact that the kids are completely FRIED from being out of town for a week. We went out to lunch and to a toy store so she could pick out a kitty (she ended up getting a family of 4 Calico Critters or some such somethings). We played a ton of Wii Fit Plus (she loves to watch, and begs for people to play!). BTW, you GOTTA get this game. It is way better than the original! We snuggled and napped and had ice cream. Then the kids' godparents came over for dinner. It was lovely.

Dear Beebz,

I love you, my little girl, impossibly, more every day. You are wonderful, and no one could show me a more loving, sweet spirit. I am so grateful on a daily basis that you chose our crazy family to join. Thank you, my baby. I mean, my 2 year old!

Namaste,
mama

Magic is ALIVE.

2009-12-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

20 something years ago, I had a teacher who changed my life. He was my mentor. He was that one person in my life that seemed to believe in me when no one else did. He saw in me talent that I didn't know I had. After I graduated, we lost touch. But he has never been far from my thoughts. My best high school memories include him. One of my few regrets was losing touch with him.

Yesterday he found me on the internet. We have been writing back and forth, catching up. It turns out we have more in common than I ever knew as a angsty teen. As someone who has lived a crazy wonderful life, teaching was probably the most normal thing he ever did. He is now on to other insanely wonderful things, and he has brought magic back into my now mundane world.

Most of all, he has let me know that I meant a lot to him too. That he remembered me fondly. That I taught him. As an adult (and more so as a parent!) I completely understand how much you can learn from children. How much they can impact your life. But that little part of me that is still an angsty teen is awed that he even remembers me. That I influenced him in any way. I am awed by his memory of me, my talents, my uniqueness. Aside from my parents, this is the ONE person I always wanted to know how they really saw me. What he thought of me. And now I know. He thinks I am amazing.

Who could ask for a better gift? I have a renewed belief in magic. In the wonder of the universe. In myself. I am in awe of this.

When my memory falters, it is my wife who suffers.

2009-12-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

For months before our anniversary, I hounded my partner that I had found THE PERFECT GIFT. (Lest I sound like a total jerk, please know that my partner is obnoxiously Zen about gifts. Wave a gift in her face, saying it is the best thing ever, and she will nod, thank you, and be happy to open it tomorrow. Or next week. I, on the other hand, am like a kid at christmas. If she calls and tells me she got me a present, I wait eagerly and pounce on her as soon as she gets home. Even if I know the present is probably her lunch leftovers. Back to the story....)

This gift was going to be special. Perfect. (And did I mention she is hard to shop for?) I preened loudly, I bragged, I generally made a big huge deal about it FOR MONTHS. And then I forgot. Forgot what it was, forgot what it might have been, freakin FORGOT. I even forgot that I had an idea in the first place. It was my partner who reminded me, when I asked her what she wanted for out anniversary. I forgot so badly, that it didn't even sound familiar when she mentioned me making a big deal about it. Finally, a few days later, I remembered being a stinker about the bragging. But I still had no idea what item had started the fervor. I racked my brain. I journaled, hoping it would come to me. I tried to make myself dream about it. No dice. I was crushed, and for once, so was she.

Today, while looking online for something else, I found it. I had even bookmarked, although that particular link had expired. Now here it is 2 months after our anniversary, and I have the perfect gift. There is NO WAY I will remember this for another 10 months! So I am telling YOU. I am posting a hyperlink here. Which my love WILL NOT OPEN. And NONE of you will tell her what it is. If you do, I will know who it was, so don't even think about telling her. Got it? Good.

Now, we all know what she is getting next year. Except her. Because I suspect she is back in that annoying Zen state, and will be happy to wait 10 months for this gift with way too much build up.

I am guessing I will buy it and give it to her in January. Because there is NO WAY I can wait 10 months! Geez! As much as I would love a good Zen state in general, presents are a WHOLE DIFFERENT THING! Am I right? Betcha the Dalai Lama agrees.

Windows into his mind

2009-12-14T05:56:00.000-08:00

Ah, my son, my son. My hilarious boy. We gave the kids the train table. As I predicted, Beebz is pretty uninterested, and Pablo is pretty obsessed (although not as much as I thought he would be). I thought he would use it to build models of area roads and to replicate maps, like he did with our little 20 piece train set. I thought wrong. Of course, this more complicated set came with instructions. The pieces are identified by letter. Therefore, (yeah, I know you see it coming) you can make chemical formulae by linking up the representative element tracks. Yeah, it is so obvious, why am I even blogging about it?! I don't think Sulphur and Carbon make anything in the real world, but at out house, they make a lot of excitement. He has also settled into more conventional things. He is building roads in Cambodia. Like you do.

Who can ever guess where his mind will go? I mean, last night we were asking Beebz about her upcoming birthday. Who she wanted at her party, what kind of cake she would like, etc.

(I should mention that among my insane parenting obsessions is home making a cake for child birthdays that is representative of the child's favorite thing. For Pablo it has been: a castle, letter blocks, a calendar, a map of the world, and a trampoline. For Beebz, it has been puppies. Pablo continues to be easy. This year will be the periodic table. For Beebz, she loves lots of things, so choosing the one representative thing is pretty difficult.)

She really wants a Fisher cake. Fisher The Lovely Years being her current favorite album. um. An album. huh. So, we were asking her about other favorites, and she suggested babies. Babies do meet all the criteria for being a birthday cake theme, but... who wants to cut into a baby? My partner and I sat there speculating on ridiculous ways to make a baby cake (including making "babycakes": lots of little cakes... Beebz does like a good pun!), when Pablo piped up with his suggestion: a mama ACTUALLY GIVING BIRTH to a baby. With the baby coming out of the birth canal. Cause nothing says "Happy 2 year Birthday" like genitalia on a cake.

We settled on a moon cake. I think you can see why.

Who knew mouth to mouth worked on computers?! Now would it work on my wrist?

2009-12-12T07:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, it turns out that sometimes by removing the hard drive and blowing on the pins, new life is infused into an old computer. So I am BACK IN BUSINESS!!

My computer is fixed, but sadly, I am broken. I apparently have carpal tunnel in one (or two) of my wrists. My hand falls asleep while I am knitting. Both hands fall asleep while I am sleeping. I keep telling them that's redundant, but they don't seem to be listening.

I went and got a brace for my worse hand, and it seems to be helping. The weird thing is that my partner and some friends seem to think I should stop knitting or crocheting to let my wrists rest. huh. They haven't looked at a calendar. Hello? DECEMBER?! Hannukah? Christmas? Solstice? What are these people thinking?! I have presents to finish. Hell, I have presents to START! There is no time for resting. This is the time to play through the pain, dude. This is my Olympics.

I am not, however, unreasonable. I will stop working on anyone's present if they explicitly tell me to stop that project. See? I am at the height of reason. (If a person doesn't know I am making something they can't stop me tho... hehehe.) After the holidays I will give it a rest. After I make myself another pair of socks....

For now, I will sign off. It kind of hurts to type....

Gift Insanity

2009-12-06T07:51:00.000-08:00

Well, I am doing it again. Sort of. I have more projects than I will be able to complete before xmas. The stress is not in finishing them, though. The stress is that I WANT to be knitting but have this cute little side kick who thinks staying up half the night is oh so fun. Last night it actually worked out well, since she let me knit, but usually she wants actual attention while we are not sleeping. My knitting time (read that as my ME time) has been cut down to almost nothing and boy do I feel the lack of it. sigh.

In other news, I am stressing about xmas presents for the kids. I want to get Beebz a dollhouse, and have finally narrowed it down to one: Plan Toys My First Dollhouse. Understand, the narrowing down was a harrowing process fraught with stress and strife, all made more complicated by the fact that I couldn't just go LOOK at all of them side by side.

In addition to looking for new ones, I am looking on ebay, since you can get so much more bang for your buck. I love the idea of recycling toys, and getting something gently used seems much more kind to the environment. And my pocketbook. Of course, the problem with ebay is that there are all these good deals that have tons of extras, but are more than we wanted to spend. Of course, we can put away some of the furniture etc for later, but the money part still goes out now. Also, ebay is stressful. I rarely win auctions, since people are more than happy to spend more on ebay than things would cost NEW on amazon. Argh.

So that means new, right? Part of me loves the thought of getting a brand new dollhouse for her, with just one set of furniture, and letting the house evolve, getting more rooms and accessories as gifts over time. But inside me is a little kid who thinks that instant gratification is WAY more fun than accruing stuff over time. Hence the stress.

What to do? Get used that is tons of stuff at once (and more than we really want to spend) or be mature and get a little at a time?

Oh, and did I mention that we found an amazing train table on craigslist while looking for something else? We know the kids would love it, and we will buy it if we can. So should that replace the idea of the dollhouse? I mean, those are both pretty big items. hmmm. I will say that when we went to the toy store yesterday, Beebz sat and played with the dollhouses for a LONG time, but she then went to the train table and had a blast. My partner thinks she would like the train table more, but I disagree.

It is a quandary. And I have no idea what to do. I bet it would all be more clear if I had more knitting time.

In memorium...death bytes

2009-12-01T08:53:00.000-08:00

Alas, my laptop has died. It is a tragic loss, and currently irreplaceable.
Ah, what can I do? Access the internet mostly in my dreams, I suppose.

To take my mind off those woes, I would now tell cute stories about my children
but I can't remember any off hand. I promise there were several times I thought:
I need to remember to blog this! Since I had no working computer handy I had to
rely on my memory, which I think we all know is shot. But I just can't seem to think
of anything. Huh. Cute stories are in there somewhere...maybe you could access
my imagination through the internet?

call me crazy

2009-11-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

but things have been getting easier. More peaceful. I have made some changes in the day's routine that have added up to HUGE changes for the whole day. Like starting out the morning with some book time. We snuggle, we read until the kids get bored, and everyone feels calmer and more connected. I make sure the kids get at least an hour playing outside. Usually more. I make sure to snuggle my big kid as much as he lets me. At night, I read to both kids together, rather than splitting them up. It seems to calm them both down more to have this "before bedtime" settling down.

We still have no social hook ups going with homeschooling, but I am feeling relaxed that it will come in time.

I am not trying to jinx it, but finally, FINALLY, life seems to be settling down. For now.

at least my failures are wearable....

2009-11-18T11:09:00.000-08:00

I keep having these great ideas that turn out not so great. Knitting socks. Great idea, right? Man, finding the perfect pattern is almost impossible. I found a pattern I loved except for the horrible short row toes and heels. They are a mess. So I made a pair of socks with so many imperfections that I am not willing to give them to anyone with eyes. Or hands. Or anyone who knows anyone with eyes or hands. And since I don't know anyone fitting that description, they are now mine.

Then I was going to knit and felt some slippers for the baby. Everyone told me how easy it is to felt. Just make it big and shrink it in the washer. No problem. Finding actual directions? Ha. Make a swatch first? Double ha. Once they were done and big enough for me without being felted, I looked up some directions before felting. Oh, use bigger needles so there is room for shrinkage? huh. No way these puppies will fit her, so I just got myself a pair of unfelted slippers. Using, I might add, my new favorite sock pattern. No stinkin' short rows.

In the mix of trying to figure out if the slippers would felt down, I made a swatch. A tube, in fact. I thought I could find something fun to do with it. While it did shrink, it proved once and for all that I was going to own those slippers. But what to do with a tube of red knitting about 4 inches long and a couple inches wide? I don't know a single person to whom I can give a penis warmer, so I came up with this.

People will appreciate little candy shaped tree ornaments, right? They will never know the other uses....

PS Beebz now has little red slippers just like mine, unfelted. She is currently napping in them so I can't get a picture. Just imagine mine. Little. On the cutest little girl ever. Got it? Got it.

PSS Also Pablo now has one slipper and the second is on needles. He wants to hop around in just one and is put out that I won't let him. Poor kid.

In sickness and in health

2009-11-12T08:07:00.000-08:00

Last week the kids each got sick for about a day and a half. And then they were fine. I, on the other hand, am still feeling it, more than a week later. Flu symptoms, body aches, the works. I am feeling better now, except for a cough that seems intent on wintering in my lungs. Of course, all this has thrown life into a tail spin.

School? What school? House cleaning? Ha. I was even too tired to knit for a few days. That's pathetic. I am getting back into the swing of things slowly, not expecting too much. I hope. Because I have no interest in relapse.

Oh. And did I mention that apparently my computer got the flu too? Yeah, it keeps stopping windows and saying things like "back up hard drive immediately, failure imminent" and "retrying system start... retrying system start...." So I removed any recent downloads, ran my virus software, and all that. You know, silicon chicken soup. So far, it seems to be doing better, as evidenced by the fact that I was able to type this much without a shutdown. sigh.

We all seem to be back in the land of the living. or at least functional. I am glad to be back!

Wanted: live-in chemist.

2009-11-04T17:25:00.000-08:00

He wants to know what you get when you mix beryllium and magnesium or with aluminum or with silicon. (Actually he has been systematically going through the periodic table asking about each element plus each other element....) And why it would or wouldn't work. He listened patiently while I tried to explain that the likelihood of elements bonding is based on their outer shells and whether they are almost full or almost empty. I was totally flying by the seat of my pants, trying desperately to remember a subject that I haven't studied for more than 15 years (and organic chem kicked my butt so hard that I spent years TRYING to forget it!). I can't freakin' tell him why each elements reacts with some elements but not with others!

This is the down side of homeschooling. I can't shove him off on some expert and breathe a sigh of relief. Of course, if he were in school, it would be another 8 years or so before he met someone who could explain it all, so I guess that would be the downside of school. Before now, when he had these hard questions, it was no problems to find the answer on the internet. A simple, here ya go kind of answer. Not this one. With this I get intros into chemistry or things that are too far over my head to even contemplate. But nothing that answers his question.

Add to this Pablo's alarming tendency to just make up his own answers and then BELIEVE them with a will beyond reason, and I tend to panic about finding the right answer. He has no problem deciding that maybe some elements just aren't very nice so they won't bond with other elements or that if you just add enough beryllium something exciting will happen when you mix it with magnesium. He doesn't understand why he can't have a sample of every element, even the radioactive ones.

Most subjects, like geography or astronomy, he can learn basic stuff and when he wants more it is easy to find the answer. But he is missing a lot of basic science between 1st grade and chemistry, so there is so much to learn before he can intrinsically understand where chemistry starts. He wants to jump into the deep end without the basics, and with chemistry, that just doesn't work.

It is such a struggle to figure out what level to focus on. Do I take his curiosity 100% seriously, and help him find answers that are true even though he sometimes seems bored by wading through the parts he is less excited about or do I take his elaborate pretend play as a sign that he just wants to deal with element names and not actual properties? But gods forbid I say something made up when asked a question. He is NOT amused. oy. He has the brain of someone old enough to ask these hard questions, but still wants them to be simplistic, to go along with his 5 year old body.

The worst part is that I know chemistry is just the first of many topics like this. Tonight I am just overwhelmed by it. Did I mention the kids and I are sick? Not related, I am sure.

We get this all the time...

2009-10-30T13:26:00.001-07:00

I had lunch with a friend today who I don't see that often. She is awesome, and gets Pablo, but she tends to forget his... abilities.

Today they had this conversation:

The setup: She was telling me about a new relationship that is lots of fun but probably not such a good idea since he is alarmingly like someone she once dated. Pablo seemed engrossed in a book, so we thought we were safe. I laughingly reminded her about the story about walking down the street and falling in the same hole over and over again (an analogy for repeating the same mistake over and over).

Of course, Pablo cut in to investigate this hole.

him: What hole did you fall in?

her: Well, when you fall in a hole, you have to climb back out and sometimes it takes a long time.

him: No, you were talking about a metaphor. That hole?

her, prevaricating: Ummm.... well I keep falling in a hole by underestimating you every time I see you!

him, pausing and looking her in the eye: I bet that's really hard for you.

Yeah, sometimes it's hard for us all, mister!

Failure and SUCCESS!

2009-10-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

Knitting patterns should NOT start with the words: make a short row toe by the method of your choosing. No, they really shouldn't. I give a little credit for linking to a website that shows you how, but only half credit because the instructions were seriously confusing and had to be abandoned.

Also knitting patterns should not contain a knitting chart that goes from bottom to top. Who reads stuff from bottom to top?! Crazy. Now, maybe I just don't know and it is standard, but it is not right. Again, I will give some credit for the rows being numbered. But only half as much because I didn't see them until row 6, so clearly they weren't obvious enough for the (exhausted) average knitter.

And finally, it should be really obvious in knitting when you screw up so that you can rip out and go back. You should not rip out, painstakingly get everything back on the needles without dropping stitches, only to find that you need to rip out 2 more rows. It is not fair.

Not the pattern's fault tho so no points off the pattern.

Now on to brighter news: I finished the baby's skirt, and it is awesome, if I do say so myself. (Also, this was not the pattern I had the problems with.) No idea why it came out looking like the shot was taken in the 70s, but you get the idea.

Do you ever suspect reincarnation?

2009-10-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

Pablo and Beebz were singing in the bathtub, like you do. She would sing TEE HEE HEE, and he would answer, WE ARE ALL MADE OF CHI! Again and again. I was thinking how cool it was that someone, probably my partner, had talked to him about chi. And how cool it is that he understood it, and felt so connected by it.

So I got curious. I asked, "Hey buddy, who told you about chi?"

"Nobody."

"Nobody? Really? No one has talked about it to you?"

"Nope."

Hmmm. I then asked, " What is chi?"

"Chi is everything. It is all we are."

"Really? That's interesting, since you are talking about something that is our life force, so everything is chi, in a way." I was kind of freaked out at this point, but I was trying to act nonchalant."

Then he said, "Other people know about chi?"

"Yeah, buddy. People dedicate their lives to helping people by helping their chi. You know, like K, our acupuncturist."

He was silent for a few minutes, then finally said, "Mine is different. How do you spell yours?"

"Chi or Xi, depending on who you ask."

"Well then," he replied, looking smug, "mine is spelled chiee."

HeB

2009-10-24T16:19:00.000-07:00

At dinner. To set the scene, Pablo's favorite way to eat is to name each bite an element by atomic number. This is especially awesome when he eats a PBJ, since there are 25 bites, when cut as he wishes. We were discussing elements and what would happen if specific elements were mixed together. And then he said this.

him: There is helium and hydrogen and lithium in stars, helium and oxygen in ballons....

us: uh huh...

him: And I know if you add Helium and Boron you get a store!

us: um... huh?

him: Yeah! Stores are made of helium and boron.

us: that doesn't sound right, buddy.

him: well, I know it makes a grocery store....

us: um... huh?

him: Why else would our grocery store be called HeB?

Man, did that scammer have us going.

Snobby pinky syndrome

2009-10-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, I admit it. I have snobby pinky syndrome and this lace edging is the reason why. What? You haven't heard of it? weird. Probably because I invented it myself. Which is pretty impressive considering how much my pinky hurts. Let me back up.

I have snobby pinkies. You know, the kind that stick out when you pick up your tea cup? Right. I first noticed this as a freshman in high school, when I went on a school trip to New York city to see Broadway shows. As part of our indoctrination into loving the Big Apple, we ate at Tavern on the Green, thought we were SOOOO cool, and sat around, holding our pinkies up and snickering.

I didn't seem to have trouble remembering to hold up my pinky. I must have aristocratic roots.

Or a deformity.

Or something.

Two days ago, the pinky on my right hand started hurting when it is lifted away from its friends (ie, in snobby pinky pose). This is odd, because I am left handed. My right pinky is not something I use on a regular basis. Who does?! Then I realized: knitting. It has to be knitting. More specifically, knitting while holding up my right pinky finger. Ridiculous, right?

Yesterday, it hurt to hold anything in my right hand. Driving the car hurt. Knitting, strangely, didn't hurt TOO badly. Yeah, yeah. I know.

Today, it is worse. But the thing is, I am so close to finishing this awesome skirt for Beebz! I can't stand letting it sit there, when I only have the lace edging to go. It is the stinking edging that is doing it, so the sooner I am done the better I will feel, right? Right?! Only 3/4 of it is left to do....

another trip to the farm...

2009-10-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

We went to see my folks over the weekend. As always, we had a great time. However, I saw things that made me think.

First, boy is there a difference between how I think kids should be treated versus what they think. I mean way more than the typical "good boy" nonsense that so gets on my nerves. My son was told that if he didn't eat his dinner, his granddaddy would be soooo sad because he had worked so hard to make a yummy meal. Oy. It went on a while. There were other things said, violent things, that my family has always taken for granted (I'm gonna kill you, said jokingly, but not funny at ALL to me these days). There were judgments, forgotten now, that left me with that ever present feeling of having to watch the kids more closely, knowing that on step "out of line" will be viewed as just that, rather than a process of kids learning to be grownups, eventually.

Second, I got so clear that my mom just HAS to be raising animals. It is her passion. Right now it is chickens. I am glad it makes her happy. And it was fun to pet the chicks. Maybe she will whittle down her miniature horse collection in favor of chickens. Probably not, considering she has 2 shetland babies in the barn.

Finally, (and this one puts all the other nonsense in perspective) my parents are starting to look older. They are still in great shape, but lately I have been more aware of mortality, and seeing my parents while I am in that frame of mind scared me. I think of all the ways I wish we could connect and know we never will (not necessarily from my lack of trying, trust me). I think of all the things they know that they take for granted that I could never learn if I just dedicated my life of following them around for a few years being a nuisance. I think of missing them, some day, irrevocably. I mean, I grieve now, when all that happens is that they don't initiate contact with me or come to visit my family. I cannot imagine the depth of missing them when they are not a phone call away.

Great. Now I am crying. That wasn't supposed to happen! Phooey.

We really did have a great trip. It just made me kind of thoughtful. And kind of sad.

So soxy!

2009-10-11T17:03:00.000-07:00

I finished my yoga socks, and boy are they AWESOME! I really love them, and even more important, they gave me the courage to knit a real sock.

I used the non-pattern in Knitting Rules by the Yarn Harlot herself. If course, I don't have a picture. Yet. This one I will get up soon. really. promise? Anyway, the Yarn Harlot, aka Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, explains how to make things without actual patterns (nice for me, since I kind of think of patterns as cheating....). She takes the parts of the sock (or hat, scarf, or shawl) and breaks them down into components so that anyone can make whatever kind of fun sock et al that they want. I am so excited! Also, a big shout out to LD for loaning me the book!!

I am currently working on a hat for the baby. I am really psyched about it, since I am winging the pattern. Ah, the thrill (and fear) of flying without a map... I will let you know how it goes.

Teasin' Mama

2009-10-07T12:54:00.000-07:00

The baby has decided to be a comic. She now leaves the room, takes off all her clothes (not at all unusual), puts them back on backwards (very unusual), comes out, strikes a pose, and says, "Teasin' Mama!!" and then doubles over with laughter.

Another favorite is to jump up and run to the potty, yelling, "POOP! POOP!" all the way there, taking off all her clothes, sitting on the potty, grunting as if she hasn't pooped in a year, and then shouting, "Teasin' Mama!!" Strange, I thought I was a few years away from potty humor again. sigh.

She is just so darned cute that I can't help but laugh with her.

She is currently telling her poor brother that he is different animals just to annoy him and get him to say, "NO! I am NOT a lion!" It cracks me up every time because he is so serious as he answers her, as if she really thinks he is a lion. Ha. Teasin' Pablo.

A quandry

2009-10-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

As I progress in this whole homeschooling adventure, I am still trying to find my place in the whole philosophy of it. Unschooling is beautiful as a concept, but am I somehow failing my child by not providing some "structure"? Is it just that I still can't see out of the box of what school "should" look like? This year is a gimme anyway, since he is only 5, but I really want to find my comfort level on this spectrum.

I know I don't want to do some school at home concept, since that removes pretty much all that is positive about homeschooling and adds in tons of power struggles to get in the way of a loving relationship. (It may work beautifully in some families, but not mine!) But what does "structure" mean, exactly? I think of it as learning to be part of a whole, to consider more than just oneself in the larger context, to temporarily disregard our own needs in favor of the group. Is it just about learning to stand in line and do what you are told, regardless of what you want and need? Does self-imposed structure count toward building the skills needed to tolerate becoming part of a larger whole? Is this even something to "teach"? Or is it something that comes with being in a family and having siblings and dealing with the inevitably competing needs that evolve? Does it really matter whether he can sit at a desk at age 5? For that matter should 5 year olds be expected to sit at desks for hours a day?!

Well, you can see that I am completely confused by the whole thing. I want to be a free wheeling unschooler... but I don't really trust the process. I know, that is pretty ironic coming from a parent who has a 5 year old doing 3rd grade stuff without even trying to "teach" him anything.... Maybe I just don't know my place in unschooling. Having structure gives me something to DO.

I guess this is like breastfeeding... the baby is on a nurse-a-thon this week, and I was bemoaning my inability to do anything productive. A friend pointed out that I was being productive: producing milk, nourishing my child with food, love and presence. I told her it didn't FEEL productive. She rolled her eyes.

I guess it comes down to whether I want Pablo's schooling to be his experience, or my own. The structure is for me. It would give me something to do, to hold up when people are asking me how homeschooling is going, etc. It is becoming clear as I write this that none of that is for Pablo. He will learn, at his pace, no matter what I do. It us up to me how much I impose on him, how much I shape it to be what I think it should be.

Crap, am I back to ANOTHER place in my life where I just have to have faith?! Just when I thought I had this faith thing down (in very small amounts), here it comes again to slap me in the face. sigh.

Obsession with needles...

2009-10-02T11:15:00.001-07:00

Mr. Man needed a new hat for winter, so I let him pick the pattern and the yarn. He wanted a newsboy cap, and I think he chose well! I am working on a matching scarf, but since I am obsessed with knitting more than crochet, I can't say I am making much progress. He kept acting silly for the camera, but I tried my best to get a couple of good shots!

In knitting news, I finished the baby's dress, and am so excited! Well excited and disappointed. I was using old yarn, trying to get rid of the yarn I used before becoming a big yarn snob. So it doesn't hang the way I would like, and once it came out, I think it looks a big Jesus-like. She should be out wandering in a desert in this outfit. I think I will make it again in better colors, with better yarn. The pattern is so awesome, she will end up with 20 of these, I think! This is supposed to be her solstice dress, tho, so I think the spiritual connotation works out just fine. ( I also added a little inset piece in front so it loses the plunging neckline affect. But I couldn't get another pic without her obsessing over the camera AGAIN....)

"O, follow me, ye who despair. Together we will find cookies." She could be the next messiah!

Fits and starts

2009-09-30T18:37:00.000-07:00

I am trying to settle into the varied pace of homeschooling Pablo. One day he can't stop, and the next he doesn't want to even think about anything school related. I keep being worried that I am doing something wrong, but the only thing I am really doing wrong is worrying and getting tense about pace. I still have it in my head that he needs to do something every day, but really, we have so much time. I mean, at 5 and doing 3rd grade work, if the kid wants to coast sometimes, that is fine with me.

This week we got the new They Might be Giants CD and DVD:

I am, once again, in love with these guys!!! Now Pablo is super excited about science. He wants to know all about cells, and about the periodic table. We went to the library and got books on this stuff, and he is completely psyched. The first day, he spent about 8 hours memorizing the periodic table. Today, he didn't touch it. I am getting more ok with his pace.

In other news, he is virulently against making new friends. He says he has enough, and prefers his own company. He has no interest in getting together with kids he doesn't know. I feel better about letting this sit for a while, because I remember being the same way as a child. Now I am no paragon of social ability, but I can see where he is coming from. His head is so full of his own world that trying to share it with other people would just be too much work.

Giving it time is all I can do. I feel pretty peaceful about it, which is nice.

Ink's Lake ROCKS!

2009-09-29T18:29:00.000-07:00

and there is a lake too. We camped last weekend and it was delightful. Our campsite was probably the most beautiful I have ever seen, with a view of the lake framed by trees. We hiked, we swam, we had the best time. In fact, we loved it so much that our family now wants to camp much more often. Camping is the best thing ever.

Only 2 problems: lack of sleep, and distance from the bathroom. But hey, what do you expect? Kids, sleep, and camping don't really match.

We are trying to decide where to go next. I can't wait!

When I think of it, I will post pictures. Don't hold your breath.

Not all curricula are created equal.

2009-09-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

Holy moly did I get a shock this week. My very sweet (and very christian) neighbor and I were talking homeschooling, and she was telling me about her favorite computer based curriculum: Switched on Schoolhouse. She had 3rd grade, and I asked to borrow it, thinking that it would break up the possible tedium of Pablo always doing workbooks. We got it, we loaded it only our ancient computer, and I started to look it over. Let the horror begin.

I mean, I knew when I loaded it that it had a christian bias, since we opted NOT to load the bible disk. What I didn't know was how pervasive it would be. Science started out with, no kidding, "Just as Adam and Eve did blah blah blah..." I was amazed at how completely inundated with biblical stuff it was. ***Now, to each their own, so don't get offended that I am not bursting with excitement at my child being exposed to christianity. I just want him to have a healthy dose of exposure when he is mature enough to understand this religion (along with others) in its context and not just blindly drink the koolaid. Religion should be a thoughtful choice, made with ALL the information.

Far and away the bigger shock was the fact that this "3rd grade" curriculum was about 2 years behind anything else I had seen. Step one for Language Arts was identifying missing letters from the alphabet, and hey, did we know that the missing ones are vowels etc. Science was stuff like "these are called plants." No kidding. I was shocked at just how behind (my concept of) grade level it was. It brought back my childhood memories of my same age niece and nephew being homeschooled, and how they were always doing these workbooks that were 2 and 3 years behind what I was doing in school. It was really strange to me that they always seemed so behind.
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To me the greatest advantage of homeschooling is going at the child's pace. Artificially making it easier just doesn't make sense. Just let the child go at their pace and move through the grades as they are able, without calling 1st grade 3rd grade!

Oh well, back to workbooks for now.

Happy Birthday, my love!

2009-09-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, my partner in crime! I love you through all the good times and bad, and I am so glad that we are making this life together. Things can be hard sometimes, but always know that I am so very grateful for you as a partner, co-parent, and friend. I hope you have the best birthday today! It is very exciting to be at the age when you start counting BACKWARDS!!

I love you.
grrr

Newborn blanket, only 20 months late!

2009-09-18T10:09:00.001-07:00

Yep, one newborn blanket for my teeny tiny... almost 2 year old. Oh well. I am super proud of it, since it is my first serious completed knitting project. As you can see, she LOVES it!

I am now almost completely finished with my first knitted dress. It is UBER cute, and I am so very excited with how easy it has been. I have a feeling that I am getting close to designing my own patterns with knitting. Maybe. We shall see....

Mama's Mala

2009-09-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

I have been really trying to get more present, stay more present, and generally to stay checked in. To not gravitate toward resentments. To be aware of my thoughts, and to allow them to pass through, rather than sticking around.

I was playing with getting a tattoo on my arm to remind me, playing with words and images. Nothing really fit.

Then I thought of my mala. I thought maybe wearing it would help, and would focus me on my intention. I also thought I could meditate with it in short bursts (not the point, I know, but better than no meditation at all, right?) as needed. I couldn't find it. sigh. I looked everywhere. No dice. Then I decided maybe it was time for a new mala, a new start, a new outlook.

On the way to our camp site, we stopped and I got a new mala. Guava beads. Nothing like what I had before, since I am generally a dark woods kind of girl. This is light in color, and the beads themselves are a little rough. Nothing polished. A little beat up. Perfect for me.

When we got to the woods, Pablo and I asked the universe to bless the mala, to bring me peace, and to help us both be calmer and more focused. We agreed that we would touch it to return to the here and now, and to use it when our emotions were getting overwhelming.

I have worn it for 3 days, and I think it is making a huge difference. It is bulky enough to make me aware of it (so I can breathe) but comfortable enough that I am not bothered by it. Pablo has used it to calm himself down during upsets, holding a bead between his fingers and asking for peace. Today something upset me and at that moment, the tassle on my mala fell into my hand. I took some breaths, I got to a centered space, and I responded from a space of compassion rather than defensiveness.

And did I mention that when we got home from camping I oiled my mala with almond oil and amber essence? Amber is my absolute favorite scent, and I never wear it anymore... no time for fancy stuff for mama! But now my mala smells of amber, and it reminds me of who I used to be, and how I have grown. Some of the pre-mama parts of me are hibernating, but they are not gone for good.

namaste!

My baby is growing up.

2009-09-08T11:32:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I put away the changing pad that had sat between our two sinks for 5 1/2 years. I must be the only mama in the universe who is sad that her child potty trained so quickly. She is a big girl now, and her most common word is, "DO! DO!" as in, "I want to do this myself!"

Last week I officially declared her a 2 year old, despite having 4 months to go, when she started throwing mini-tantrums over things like having the water on longer when she washed her hands and wanting to pick her own granola bar. She isn't even shaped like a baby. She is skinny like a big kid, with no baby fat. Totally 2.

This weekend she hit a yet another milestone. I turned her carseat forward. She is plenty big enough, and has been increasingly unhappy in the car. I figured turning her around would solve the problem. I was right. sigh.

My little baby is neither little nor a baby. When she weans I will probably have a breakdown.

How did this all happen so fast?!

Pioneer Farms and Family Adventures

2009-09-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

Last Friday we went to Pioneer Farms and had a great time. I printed out a map beforehand, so Pablo's major excitement was in being the navigator. Listening to the grownups in costume was really no big thrill in comparison to wide open spaces to run! Except for maybe the blacksmith... he was worthy of talking to. We really had a great time, and were happy to go on Homeschooler's Day. I was hoping to meet some new moms, and make some connections. Sadly, it didn't really happen that way. Everybody was pretty much doing their own thing. Breaking into to this world is a challenge for me, since I seem to have lost all of my social skills in the 6 years since having children. oy.

This weekend, we went camping with my partner's sister's family at Buescher State Park. We had a great time. I used to love to camp, but we haven't really done it since having children, with the exception of one time this spring. We are not really equipped for family camping. I only have a 2 man tent, a cook stove that has one burner, teeny tiny pots and pans, etc. Thankfully, we borrowed my brother in law's stuff, so we had what we needed to get by. I totally know what I want for xmas now, tho. I want the works for family camping. I love it so much. Nothing gets me back to myself like camping does... being in nature is grounding like nothing else.

We are scheduled to go to Inks Lake for a weekend at the end of the month. This could totally be a new addiction!

ADVENTURE DAYS!

2009-09-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

How very horrifying. Really. I am embarrassed to admit it but in more than 15 years of living in Austin, I had never gone to Hamilton Pool. Yes, many people had told me about it, but it just never seemed to be a priority to go. We finally went this weekend with my friend who just moved to town and spent the whole day. We had a blast, even if the other adults did tease me about making it a "learning opportunity" (Exploring the formation of stalagtites? That's not learning, that's just cool! Right? Right?!) .

My favorite part was swimming with Pablo under the (scant) falls. Floating and watching the water come down was more refreshing than I could have imagined. The only problem is that Pablo now thinks he can SWIM, ie, without any assistance. While he is improving (greatly!) he still tends to orient his body as if he is standing up rather than laying down, so he sinks. A lot. As long as he has his cool floatie on, all is well. The trick is making sure he remembers whether it is on or off! Mea culpa, I promise I don't have to be reminded to go to Hamilton Pool again! Wow. It was spectacular.

This awesomely fun time has promted me to explore Austin even more. Fridays are now officially ADVENTURE DAYS! Pablo and I have agreed to find some new place to go every Friday. Well, maybe I should amend that to say that I want to find new things. Pablo just wants to go back to Hamilton Pool every week. Ha.

This Friday we are going to Pioneer Farms for homeschoolers day. It is a living museum showing what life was like in the mid-1800s. It should be a blast. We may even get to meet some other homeschoolers, which would be nice. I haven't really broken into the community yet, but I am trying. I am also a little intimidated with going to a place like this with 2 kids who will almost always want to go in opposite directions, but hey, I can only buck up and try, right? Wish us luck!

What happens when you are a sick homeschooler?

2009-08-26T17:59:00.000-07:00

You stay home for school. Yeah, despite a sore throat, fever, and possible ear infection, nothing really changed. We have decided 2nd grade is boring, so we are finishing up a few skills and moving on to 3rd. Pablo really wants to move on to 4th, but I am sticking to my guns on doing 3rd first.

I went to a homeschooler's meeting last night and got to meet some great moms. I am feeling more and more confident in homeschooling, and will probably tend closer and closer to the unschooling side of the continuum. Give me some time, tho... this is all freaky new to me. I even confided to a friend that if we find a place in this community and Pablo makes some good friends, I could see continuing with it long term. eek.

This week my partner is off work so we can have a staycation. We were going to hit Sea World once everyone was back to school. CLOSED. Then we thought about Schlitterbahn. CLOSED. Volente Beach? CLOSED. Phooey. All are open on the weekend, but the whole point was to miss the crowds.

Now I guess the whole point is to hope that Pablo gets better so that we can at least go to Hamilton pool during the week. sigh. This vacation is not what we planned.

But since I got to take a nap today, I am really not complaining!

it is one of those days.

2009-08-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

I want to run away from home. The boy is HARD. He is so freaking hard sometimes that I think I can't stand it anymore. He talks CONSTANTLY. He NEEDS constantly. And then I blame myself because if I were more patient, loving,peaceful, etc (ie not such a crappy mom) then he would be easy. Or maybe he wouldn't be easy but I wouldn't care because I would be all Zen about him being here to teach me a lesson and that this is my chance to freakin" EVOLVE. Stupid evolving. Who needs it?!

The baby is hard because she doesn't EVER sleep and she is a twiddler of the worst freaking kind and it drives me up the wall and I want to scream but that wouldn't help. It would just scare her and make her cry and then need to nurse to calm down and...twiddle.

My partner is hard because sometimes it seems like everything I say and do is wrong and I hate it and I wonder if anything will ever be OK again in the whole universe.

I just want to cry (again) and I want to run and hide in a hole somewhere and just not have to see anyone for a while but that's not possible cause I am the MOM and we don't get breaks. And yes, I see that saying all this is ridiculous because just today I got a 2 hour massage and new shoes and I got a break for a while. But it wasn't enough. Nothing feels like it will ever be enough because it is all so overwhelmingly HARD.

And my period is due tomorrow.

But I am sure that is completely unrelated to all this.....

Juggling

2009-08-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

Someone please tell me how to dedicate 100% of my time to both children at once? They are into such different things, due to their ages. When I get Pablo started on something, he is immediately distracted when I try to keep the baby out of his way. They both want the attention, and I can't really give either one all of me.

I remember in the old days, not really that long ago, when I thought I should get "me time" every day. HA. Now only playing with one kiddo at a time feels like down time. HA. I'm not even getting to read books. Even just a few weeks ago I had time to read around 1000 pages a week. No problem. Now it seems like every moment is completely full. The baby is generally up till 11, and Pablo is up by 6. Argh. Down time? I am not even getting any sleep.

And did I mention the baby is starting to have nightmares? Right on schedule, just like Pablo, around 18 months the bad nightmares began. Oh yeah. Good times.

In the meantime I am breathing. It is all I can do. Just to consider each mindful breath a time for me is all I can do. At least today.

WICKED!!

2009-08-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

We got to see WICKED this weekend, and it was awesome. If I had two lives to live, I would have gone to New York at 18 and tried to make it on Broadway. Musical theater is my passion, and I live for the times that Broadway Across America sends awesome shows our way. This year due to financial woes, we had to give up our season tickets, but we did get tickets to see Wicked. We got seats that were further back, not so great, but hey, who is complaining?! If you are in the theater, then that's good enough for me. Then a couple of weeks ago, we got a call saying they had added seats and we were on the list for a free upgrade. Did we want them? We said, sure, not really knowing what we were saying yes to, but hey, the word "upgrade" sounds good, right?

It turns out "upgrade" meant we were in the FRONT ROW. Looking up at the stage and able to see down into the pit. It was awesome. Sure, there were times that actors were so close to us that they blocked our view of other actors. Gee, what a complaint to have! I especially liked feeling like an insider when I caught 2 characters playing thumbsies 6 feet away from me as they were in a frozen position while something else was happening across the stage.

The show was FABULOUS and was nothing like the book. In this case, since the book is only mediocre, that was a good thing. Sadly, the main character was an understudy, and although she had a beautiful voice, she didn't have stamina... by the second act, you couldn't hear her anymore and only knew she was singing at times because her mouth was moving. Very disappointing since this show is all about her voice and close harmonies. Ah well, they can't all be Idena Menzel....

(A HUGE thank you to the best darned god parents in the whole wide world for watching the munchkins... get it? Munchkins?! OK, look me in the OZ and tell me you don't love these puns.)

Number Tic-Tac-Toe!

2009-08-11T17:28:00.001-07:00

The adventures in homeschooling continue, and I am learning more each day. Yesterday we found an awesome new game in Number Patterns (Let's Investigate). It take tic-tac-toe and replaces Xs and Os with numbers. One person takes odd, the other takes evens. You place the numbers with the goal of getting 3 numbers in a row that add up to 15. It beats the heck out of Xs and Os!!

It is such a relief, since I find tic-tac-toe to be a really hard game to play with kids. Unless I play blindfolded, I either win , draw or cheat so the child can win. (Don't get me started on the ethics of cheating so the child can win... it is one I really struggle with all the freakin' time.)

Would you buy this?

2009-08-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

In honor of the cool new bookstore in my neighborhood, I have been thinking about making and selling bookmarks. But I can't decide if anyone would buy one, and if so, for how much. What do you think?

Come on, lurkers, this is a great time to come out of the commenting closet!

Metaphors

2009-08-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

Pablo was stalling, not wanting to go to bed, and asking a million questions, most recently about why I had drained the water out of the sink while he was "washing his hands." I told him that it wasn't the time to play in the water and when he protested with the BUT I WAS WASHING MY HANDS argument, I told him that if he would look in his heart, he would know that in reality, he had been goofing around.

Pablo paused, then asked, "How do I look in my heart?!"

I said, "It's a metaphor, Pablo. Looking in your heart means listening inside yourself to hear the real truth."

"Mama?"

"Yes, Pablo."

"Are there ever any metaphors that make sense??"

The Bike Run

2009-08-05T11:04:00.000-07:00

Pablo, Beebz, and I have started a new fun tradition. Pablo loves to run, but Beebz hates the stroller (except to go to the pool. the NOW BROKEN neighborhood pool. I digress.). If you an figure out how to run with a 20 something pound kiddo strapped to your back without giving her brain damage, please let me know. In the mean time, we will stick to the bike run.

I put Beebz on the back of my bike, tell Pablo to pick a direction, and we go. He runs, I pedal leisurely, and Beebz yells BUMP! BUMP!, i.e. asks me to hit more bumps. A great time is had by all.

Today I got curious and measured our trek. We went to a neighborhood park. 2.83 miles, round trip. That's some serious running. Of course, by then end it was walking, stopping, panting, drinking more water and then jogging. But still fun!!

BABYSITTING SUCCESS!!

2009-08-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

We went on a date, sans children, this weekend. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to our wonderful friends who are so great with our kids! There were no tears, not upsets, no problems at all.

OK, there was one problem. We went to see Harry Potter. It was VERY disappointing. Oh well, nothing is perfect.

However, we have tickets to see Broadway Across America's WICKED in two weeks!! This date was a perfect test run to make sure that babysitting was possible. And now, I feel so relaxed about leaving the baby. Thank you LD and Joey, and thank you NERNIE!!

BOOK VICTORIOUS!

2009-08-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

Finally, finally, FINALLY, we have a library card that is worth something. Sadly, we live in a suburb. Not a great one. Don't get me wrong, I love our house, just not the location. However, we have had to buy library memberships because we were not in a municipality which supported our area. $45 or so a year. For a library that was just ok. And then our area got incorporated into another town, giving us a free library membership to their library. I was excited until we went there and realized that I own more books than that library does. Ok, I am exaggerating. But not by much.

Last week our neighbor told us that there is something called a TEXSHARE card, which allows people to borrow books outside their city limits. We got one, then went on Saturday to the closest Austin library. It turns out that we didn't even need the card! We could just get an Austin library card even though we don't live within the city limits! Apparently the laws had changed(before when we had checked it out, the price to get an out of city card was pretty high). And the library was AWESOME. There were actual books there. From this century. For my kids (and for me)!! They have a whole aisle just for youth nonfiction. My worries about finding homeschooling materials have evaporated. I cannot say how excited I am. And did I mention all this is FREE?!

AND, it gets better. A new very cool used bookstore just opened near our house. Near enough to ride our bikes there. It is super family friendly, with a whole children's area, toys, craft projects, etc. All books are super cheap. This is the best book weekend EVER!!!!

Hey, honey, this is the one I told you not to read, OK?

2009-07-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

So we have this agreement in our house. When I get hooked on disturbing things that really upset me, but I can't let them go, and I don't tell my partner because it would upset her too much. The not telling is for both of us, because while I just get really obsessed and upset, she has nightmares. Bad ones. And she wakes me up to talk about it. It behooves all of us for me not to tell her things I read or see concerning children dying, being kidnapped, graphic violence, etc. But it also leaves me no outlet to talk about it, since when I talk to my friends my kids are around and I am generally smart enough not to inflict my traumas on my kids.

When I was pregnant with Beebz, it was polar bears and thank the gods I could talk to my partner about that one. I couldn't stop thinking about the ice caps melting and how polar bears are drowning because they don't know that the iceberg they have been to 1000 times has melted because humans are irresponsible gits. I would tear up, and my partner would look at me and say, "polar bears?" and I would nod and wail. It just broke my heart.

I really try to stay away from all the stuff that will obsess me. I really, really do. This one was innocent, I thought. A show about kids with progeria. I love science and biology and all that good stuff. And I knew that this population has a much lower life expectancy. And the kids are so happy and sweet, even in the face of all kinds of medical issues.

But then a dad started talking about how each birthday is really sad for them because they know that most kids don't make it past 14, so when the child has a birthday, he can't help but count down instead of up. Gulp. And then they talked about their fears of having another child, but when doctors promised these parents there was a 1 in 8 million chance that lightning would strike again, they had another baby. With progeria. And all he can think as he watches and worries with the first child, this will be what it is like with the second, too. Without a doubt, these parents will watch their children die. Way before their time.

Is it any wonder I can't get this out of my head?! If you have kids, give them an extra hug today. And send out a prayer to families touched by this disease.

And don't tell my partner I told you.

Ernie the Babysitter

2009-07-29T08:42:00.000-07:00

For more than 18 months, my sweet baby has HATED for me to be away from her. When I had to go back to my (microscopic) part time job, Beebz cried, screamed, and was pretty much inconsolable even though she loves her Ima dearly when I am around. It was horrible. They had a few good nights, where she cried less than 30 minutes out of the 2 hours I was gone. Poor Pablo was usually beside himself, since emotional conflict is one of the things that can drive him over then edge.

We kept thinking things would get better. They didn't. I kept trying to explain it away as normal separation anxiety, which worked for a while... but at 16 months, I didn't have much conviction left in my voice. Around 17 months, she would cry when I left, but would generally be happy after a minute or two, and for the rest of the time.

But then, we discovered the magic of the Sesame Street DVD. Once we let her watch it when I was gone, suddenly Mama leaving was AWESOME! For 3 weeks now, when I say I need to leave, she shouts, "NERNIE!!! DD!!!" and runs to the couch, waiting for someone to turn the TV on. I can barely get a hug and a byebye out of her, she is so intent on getting to watch her beloved Ernie (and Bert) sing and dance. I am so relieved that she is happy, I don't even mind that her transition object is a DVD!* I can't even say how nice it is to not worry about being away from my girl. My partner and I are going crazy this weekend and having the kids' godparents (and ERNIE, of course) babysit while we go see Harry Potter. Wish us luck!!!

(*Of course, the one downside of all this is that in addition to Ernie, Bert, Big Bird, Grover, and all the awesome cast of Sesame Street, she also knows the being that is the antithesis of all that Sesame Street used to stand for, Melmo. I can't stand that fuzzy little red moron. How could they have forgotten that you don't teach kids by talking BELOW their level, but at or above it?! And that the only kids Elmo talks up to are infants who have no business watching TV?! This would be why my kids don't watch modern Sesame Street. sigh. Rant over.)

The Dangers of Having a Blackberry and Reeducating my BRAIN

2009-07-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

My off again on again work at home job decided they needed me to be in constant contact (for the rare times they actually need me... it is getting very off again... again.) so they got me a Blackberry. What does this mean? It means I never turn on my computer. I check and write email, I read blogs, I surf the net (much less often because it is in miniature). Pretty much the only thing I can't do easily on it is blog. Which is probably why I got a sweetly worded note from Blogher mentioning that I haven't blogged in over 2 weeks. oops. Has it really been that long?! Where was I?

So here I am, once more committed to giving myself a little time to explore the contents of my brain for the public purview.

In my quest for homeschooling, I am still at the apparently normal evolution where my tendency is to recreate school at home. I am fighting it, and little by little I am remembering how BORING school was, how unhappy I was so much of the time, and how hard I worked just to get along in a social environment what wasn't for me. Since we are playing at this for kindergarten and don't have any "rules" at all, we will spend this year learning how Pablo can best motivate himself. I have decided to have Pablo set some weekly goals (yes, I know that isn't SELF motivated. I just said I am WORKING ON LETTING TRADITIONAL SCHOOLING GO, ok?) We got a little white board and talked about doing workbook pages, reading books, doing art, etc and figured out how much of each he wanted to set a goal to do in a week. FYI, in case you are having rigors that the word "workbook," Pablo begs to do them. He LOVES his workbooks and sometimes goes to sleep with them. To him, getting to do workbooks is living the high life.

For now, I have gotten some Brain Quest workbooks and some other general workbooks while we figure out his grade level(s). I am way too overwhelmed to actually pick a cohesive curriculum. So for now, we play at doing school.

I hope it always feels this much like play! When it starts being WORK, I will know we aren't doing something right.

Lenses, undies, and second thoughts....

2009-07-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

Big News!!

Pablo now has glasses! It turns out he is farsighted. He may actually have more significant issues, but the doctor wants him in glasses for a few months to see if his eyes can adjust and improve some tracking issues. We are really excited this may be the beginning of huge changes for him.

In other BIG news, Beebz has decided to potty train. She demands the potty when she needs to go, and stayed dry all day (when we were at home... diapers when we were out. I am not THAT crazy!) and at one point, I walked into the bathroom and she had used her little potty all by herself! We celebrated by going and getting underpants for her. My baby is growing up SO fast!

Finally, we are really second guessing sending Pablo to the second session of his camp. The first session, he loved, and he got rave reviews from his teachers. This time, he is not participating, not interested, and just generally not into it. We actually didn't take him today because his eyes were still really dilated from his eye appointment the day before, and he was SO excited that he didn't have to go... poor guy. We wanted this to be fun, and at this point it is clearly not. At least this makes me feel really confident in our decision to homeschool....

Adventures in Raw Food

2009-06-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

I am just that kind of insane that thinks things like.... food planning is just so HARD.... it seems like so much work.... HEY! I think I will try moving the family toward eating a raw food diet....cause that is just so freakin' hard and planning intensive that it will make just plain eating healthy look easy by comparison.... right? Ha. I take all the responsibility. Cause I am crazy. And because I want my finicky boyo to eat more variety. It all started weeks ago when I ordered Evie's Kitchen: Raising an Ecstatic Child. It looked awesome. And intimidating. But I was hopeful. Even cautiously ecstatic.

So today, after much trepidation, we tried out some raw food recipes. I can't say it was a rousing success. It is just SO different. Normally when I cook, it is a fluid experience. I take what the book says into account, but gods forbid I actually FOLLOW it. That would be boring. Recipes never have enough spices, for example. But with raw food, I was too scared to deviate at all. eep.

First I made Pablo "zebras," which is just slices of avocado covered in strips of nori to make stripes. Zebras. Get it? That was a raging success.

Then I started lunch, which was a cauliflower concoction meant to replace the rice for sushi. The recipe called for vast amounts of cauliflower, pine nuts, oils, and 1 TABLESPOON of salt. I thought... seriously?! But I did it. Cause I was scared to screw around with the recipe. Guess what. It was too salty. Are you surprised? Yeah, me neither. So I made ANOTHER batch with NO salt to mix with the first batch. It was yummy. BUT. Since Pablo had tried the salty batch and shrank up like a little slug, he acted like I was I was trying to kill him when I asked him to try the new, adjusted batch. sigh.

And did I mention that I had to make a deal with the kids that I would only use loud kitchen appliances in the BATHROOM with the door closed? My kiddos do not like loud noises. And did I mention this recipe called for a food processor? Yeah. So I prepped all the food, loaded up the food processor, hauled it to the bathroom, ran it at the bathroom counter, and brought it back to the kitchen chock full of mashed yumminess. When I think raw food, I will always think... bathroom.

And then there was dinner. I had planned to make a leek and sweet potato soup. In the bathroom. Blender this time. Yum, right? Well Pablo had his heart set on this parsnip cake something or other. Hey. He was excited about food. Who cares that dinner would be an hour or so late?! So I cooked. Or should I say PREPARED. And we waited. And waited. It became clear that parsnips were not to be. At least not for dinner.

So we dug into the soup. Have you ever taken a huge bite of raw leek? I wouldn't advise it. I tried adding another sweet potato. Suffice it to say that all the sweet potatoes in the world would not be able to conquer the bitterness of a RAW LEEK. (Go ahead and insert any lewd "leek" pun you like here. There were too many to choose from.)

We ate leftovers.

But, we are saving the soup for stock. And I am revamping that recipe, rawness be damned.

Tomorrow we will try the parsnip cake. And I believe we are making something called MONSTER SLIME. I am not kidding. Pray for us.

I freakin' LOVE camp!

2009-06-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got to go to a parent seminar for GT kids at Pablo's camp. I cannot say how nice it was to be in the room with people who really understand giftedness. There was no judgment. There was no armchair diagnosis. Everyone in the room got it. They knew, from years of being with their own GT kids, that these kids aren't just smarter. They are DIFFERENT. I can't remember the last time I felt such a sense of community. I didn't have to fear the judgments and the looks and the... well, the everything that makes me reluctant to expose Pablo to people who just don't get him. Breaking out of isolation is a beautiful thing.

And today I got news that he is "a joy in the classroom," that "he participates so well" and various and sundry other compliments that I was terrified to the bottom of my heart that I would never, ever hear about my child. He fits in at camp. There, he is just a normal kid. He has FRIENDS who say hi to him in the hall. I am overjoyed.

CATCH UP!!

2009-06-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

Wow has life been crazy lately. Let me sum up.

My defunct job got it's funk back and I am working from home again. This is great news on the money side of life, but hard from a time management perspective. On days when I work too much I wish I didn't have to work at all, and on days when there is no work I get anxious that the lovely money will vanish again into the ether. sigh.... There is nothing like knowing you create your own anxiety.

My boyo is in day camp. He started last week and seems to really like it. We are thrilled. Of course, this has made me rethink homeschooling for kindergarten. Should he be in school where he can be around other kids all the time? Maybe yes, maybe no. Understand, when he is home he is getting progressively more cranky. Being away from home is clearly tiring him out. He is such an introvert, and he needs his space. School doesn't give him that. But I have absolutely failed at finding a social setting where he can join in and be part of the group. He is just too unlike most other kids. Unless he went to this one certain private school where he could be with peers. If he will take the test. Oy. What to do.

Of course, we can't even send him to the school we would want him to attend until he takes an IQ test. We aren't concerned with his IQ being high enough IF he cooperates, but we are not AT ALL confident that he will comply with the testing. Pablo is a guy who does what he wants with a passion and digs in his heels on anything he doesn't want to do. This includes pretending he doesn't know things just to get away from talking about it sooner. Like if he was being asked questions as part of an IQ test. Ahem.

I am pretty freaked out about homeschooling. I don't think I will be good at it at all. To me anything that has school in it needs structure. And with Pablo, structure means a fight. Friends promise me that I have been unschooling him all this time and that I have done so well, but him being old enough to go to school feels like I have some higher responsibility. To MAKE him learn. I know, I know, all this control nonsense will take all the fun out of it and we will end up in some HUGE power struggle and I will damage him for life. As if I haven't already.

So, what you have missed in the how ever long it has been since I last had time to blog, is that these days I feel incredibly anxious so much of the time about so many things. Things where it feels like there is one right way and I will only know it once it has come and gone and I see it from way over here on the wrong way. sigh....

For you STAR WARS lovers out there

2009-06-12T07:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I stole this clip from one of my favorite blogs, cake wrecks, but still, it is TOTALLY worth it!!

Knitting with Toothpicks. You think I am kidding.

2009-06-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

But I am not. I am just that crazy. You know how I gave Pablo a medicine bag to take to camp, and then wanted a matching one? Well I had just learned to knit an I-cord and I thought, what better than an I-cord for the necklace part? Then I thought, where the heck am I going to find needles small enough? Apparently in the kitchen. Hey, it worked. So without further ado, here are our crocheted medicine bags (I made Pablo a brand new one) with knitted I-cords, ready for camp a whole week early.

I love how his shines!

Laying fears to rest... at least HIS fears!

2009-06-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

Pablo is going to day camp this summer. In a couple of weeks. It will be the first time I leave him with anyone I don't know well. I am instead leaving him with people who don't know him at all. They don't know his quirks, his idiosyncrasies, his fears, his... well him! I am freaking out, but trying not to, because I don't want to freak him out. And I know he is kind of freaked out. He has told me he doesn't understand why the mamas aren't invited to camp. He is scared about being away from me and being with strangers. And I have tried to be compassionate and reassuring without ignoring his fears.

Today I told him that I had a special present for him to take to camp, that would help him know I was thinking of him the whole time I was away. I meant to build a little suspense, but I accidentally built A LOT. So I finally gave in and gave him his gift early. It is a small, handmade medicine bag that I have carried for years. I tied it around his neck and then got out my special stones, where I found another medicine bag. We decided I should wear that one to remind me of him. I brought out 2 painted arrow heads and some crystals. He picked an arrow head and a crystal for his bag, and I got the other arrowhead and a crystal he chose for my bag. He was over the top excited about it.

Also in the box with the stones was a pendulum. Now understand, we are meticulous about not lying to Pablo about Santa or the tooth fairy. We tell him what some people believe and let him make his own decision. But the pendulum was sheer magic. I explained how it worked and what some people believe about it, and asked if he had any questions for it. Oh boy, did he! We asked if he would have fun at camp... yes; if he would make friends... yes; if he would feel comfortable...yes. His eyes almost popped out of his head with every answer and between the medicine bag and the pendulum, I don't think he is worried about camp at all.

I wish I could have a little of that magic too. Tonight I am making myself a medicine bag to match his. Maybe that will make me feel better? I will go ask the pendulum....

Try explaining this to YOUR child and let me know how it goes...

2009-06-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

It is all my partner's fault. Completely. 100%.

Yesterday she told me about this commercial. I teared up, just from hearing about it. And today, she sent me the link. This time I didn't just tear up. I SOBBED. I completely lost it.

Of course Pablo wanted to know why. So I had to explain how some kids are really really sick and probably won't get better and there is an organization that makes their wishes come true because their lives are filled with so much hard stuff like hospitals and feeling sick all the time etc.... All the while I was crying, almost unable to speak. Pablo looked very somber. Especially when I grabbed him and gave him a big hug and told him how happy I was that he and his sister are healthy.

Then I decided to blog about it. As I was getting the embed code, Pablo looked at me and asked why that commercial was on my computer again. I explained I was going to blog about it. He paused and then asked, "So you like it?" I told him I did, and he stood there, dumbfounded. After another longer pause, he said, "The things I like make ME happy." Ah well. He has a point.

Watch at your own risk.

changes

2009-05-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

I got out my yoga mat. It sits out, in the living room, or the bedroom, ready for 5 minutes here or there when I have time. I used to keep it rolled up, not wanting it to get dirty or dragged into play. But in keeping it separate, it never got used at all. So now it is out and I am more open to seeing times I can use it rather than focusing on when I can't.

I made a deal with Pablo. He hasn't been listening. At all. Things have been degenerating places I didn't want my parenting to go. So no more nagging. No more repetition. In exchange, I make sure I have his full attention before I speak. I go to him rather than calling out to wherever he is in the house. I ask him to do what I want him to do, looking into his eyes. I thought there would be a need for consequences, which worried me, since threats were what I was trying to eliminate. But so far, he just does it. Or asks why, I explain, and then... he does it. Turns out maybe I was the one with the problem. Communication. It's like magic.

I started a food diary again. I track my calories and my food, not with the intention of changing anything, but with the intention of being more mindful about my choices. When I have done it before, I felt really energized and powerful about my life. More in control of the things that should, generally, be under my control. It brings me a kind of hyper-organizational peace.

And then my partner sent me this blog entry. It confirmed everything i was doing. All these changes are from within, from listening to that part of me that already knows but so often gets drowned out in all the parts of me that fear. These changes are just the infrastructure that supports my being more mindful, more peaceful, more me. Each moment is a choice. Today I choose peace.

And I choose to make veggie sushi. Go me!

For the love of NERNIE

2009-05-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

Beebz LOVES Ernie from Sesame Street. Pablo had a little Ernie doll that Beebz now loves with a love that is more than love. Nernie, as she calls him, is her obsession. She calls out for him in her sleep. She wants to take him in the car. She is in L-O-V-E.

We aren't big TV watchers (and can't stand Elmo) so she has never seen the actual show. A few days ago I showed her some Bert and Nernie skits on Youtube and she was thrilled. But today I made a mistake. I showed her that Nernie can SING. And now she wants all Nernie to sing to her, all the time. And don't think that I could sing the songs to her. That is blaspemy, hands down.

Ah, negotiating with an almost 17 month old. My favorite part is that when I told her maybe we could watch Nernie sing again tomorrow, she asked to call her other mother on the phone. I asked if she thought that her Ima would give a better answer and she shouted, "YEAH!!" So we don't have to wait for that whole splitting the parents thing. It is here.

So in honor of beloved Nernie (and so I have a good shortcut to it...), I give you this, our favorite song.

Swimming SUCCESS!

2009-05-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

My poor Pablo, king of being anxious about pretty much everything. His first summer, he loved the pool. He was around 6 months old and I suppose couldn't see that clearly yet.

By the next summer, his eyesight had improved. He took one look at the enormous hole filled with water and decided that his parents just possibly wanted to kill him. That summer, he didn't really swim much. By much, I mean AT ALL.

At ages 2 and 3 he was still pretty much convinced that swimming was a VERY STUPID IDEA and only got in toward the end of each summer, clinging tightly to me as if I would accidentally forget and drop him. By the very end of the summer, he was willing to jump from the side, but only if his face didn't get wet and only if he was IMMEDIATELY returned to the edge to get back out. After all, it's one thing to jump in for the thrill, but quite another to hang out in what is clearly a DEATH TRAP.

By age 4, he was a bit more chill. He was still not comfortable by any means, but he was more willing to be towed around in the water and down right excited about jumping in from the side. As I had every summer, I worked on his strokes and basic water safety etc. You know, all the stuff I thought I would ever need to teach him before he got all excited and started doing it on his own. In fantasy land.

This year we were ready. We made plans. Good ones. We got Pablo all hyped up to go to SWIM LESSONS. We talked to people and got recommendations. Then we sent him someplace we could afford. The first session of 8 classes was wonderful beyond reason. He teacher, Jamie, was the love of his life. He wanted to marry her. He listened. He TRIED. He improved by leaps and bounds.

Then she got promoted. And don't get me wrong, I am very happy for her, but I always find it kind of sad when someone is clearly talented and then stops doing what they are exceptionally good at. Pablo trusted her. Completely.

Then came Tiffany. Now, if anyone seemed like the sort who would forget and drop a kid in the water, she was the one. A vacant stare. Slightly slack jawed. And 12. Ok, maybe 18. Same thing, right? She had the least skill with children I have ever seen for anyone who actually WORKED WITH CHILDREN. At one point we watched her argue with Pablo for FIVE MINUTES with each saying "You listen!" "NO, you listen!" "No, YOU listen!" Now, it does surprise me sometimes when Pablo acts his age (of 5) but it shocks the hell out of me when a 12 (ok, 18) year old acts his age. He was scared and wanted to tell her something so he could feel safer. It was about not going underwater. She wouldn't listen.

And then it happened. The bitch dunked him. Deep. He came up screaming. If I had been there, I would have started screaming too. Fortunately, my partner was the one present, and she is known for being more even keel, even when 12 year old morons decide that it would be "good for him" to learn that trusting adults is a sham and that swimming pools are indeed horrible, scary places. He didn't go back to the class. He changed to a different teacher and finished his sessions with her. Barely willing to get in the water, unwilling to do more than get towed around.

He has gotten in the water with me only with coaxing. I had to make a lot of promises. I would NEVER let him go. I would NEVER dunk him. I would NEVER make him get in the water. It was sad since he had been so excited to try this year. The first few times we went, Pablo used a noodle and loved it. Then we switched to an innertube because it didn't have a habit of floating off almost instantaneously when his arms were raised.

WARNING: SOAP BOX AHEAD.
See, I have this thing about flotation devices for children. I think they are generally really dangerous because they give the child a false sense of security and a false sense of their own ability in the water. Way too many kids drown because they think they can swim. I wanted Pablo to feel his body in the water in a totally accurate way.
END OF SOAP BOX, CONTINUE SAFELY.

But after all this time and all this hardship with fearing swimming (not to mention now taking 2 children to the pool almost every day by myself), Iwanted him to find a way to feel confident in the water. He natually has an unhealthy dose of the DANGERS. He needed the space to find the FUN. So I remembered this thing I had seen (and dismissed).

Now the cool thing is that it allows his arms and legs to have a completely free range of motion so he can actually do swimming strokes. It also keeps him from being scared to death of drowning. In an hour at the pool today, he swam more happily and more effectively than 8 weeks of swim classes and 5 years of previous trying. It doesn't keep him high in the water like a life preserver and he certainly can't lounge in it like an innertube. It just gives a little boost. The coolest thing is that it actually has 9 flotation pads in it, and as he gets more comfortable, we can remove them, one at a time, until he doesn't need it anymore. I am beside myself with excitement. He didn't want to leave the pool today. His water obsessed sister gave out before he did.

It is just possible that this boyo will not only swim one day, but that he will LOVE it.

And speaking of crafting...

2009-05-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

Every summer, I want THE PERFECT HAT. You know, the one that is cute, stays on, not too floppy, not too heavy, etc.

And every summer, I make do, not ever having THE PERFECT HAT.

Recently, we were out shopping and I saw a potentially awesome crochet hat. I also saw the price tag. Then I said to myself, "Self, you could make a hat just as awesome as that!"

You know what? I was right. I made this hat in time for the beach and it was almost perfect. It needs a tiny bit of work on being less floppy now that it has been soaked in the ocean, but I have some tricky ideas for a solution involving wire or maybe plastic? I am not sure yet.

And Beebz likes it too!

Mindful Mama, now on ETSY!

2009-05-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

I finally did it. I put some stuff on Etsy. Two handmade crochet toddler dresses. I am really excited! And also a little nervous. I mean, I don't have a physical space to pace around in, wondering if anyone will come in. There is nothing to mindlessly rearrange. I can't see if people are looking in the window.

All I can do is let it go. And what fun is that?

Oh yeah.

The peaceful kind of fun.

(inhaling.... exhaling....)

But come on in and look around, OK? Just scroll down and click on that button on the left!

Accentuate the positive....

2009-05-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

We are at the beach this week. I would love to say that it has been the perfect vacation, but I live in the real world, so there is no such thing. First off, Pablo is terrified of the ocean this time. Understand, on previous visits, it was hard to keep him OUT of the water. He didn't want to swim, but he loved chasing waves and all that shallow water stuff. This time, one foot on the soft sand and he was freaked. Completely. The earth moved, and that was seriously uncool. So much for practically living at the beach. We went anyway, and I tried to show him what was happening (ie tiny amounts of sand were moving, not huge amounts that would suck him into the earth). No dice.

Now add to the horror of being forced to go somewhere scary to the huge changes in our daily schedule, change of space, etc. and we were prime for melt downs. Oh yeah. Add to that a mama who was seriously obsessed with all of us having a good time, dammit. At the beach. You see it coming, don't you?

Well one day of that and I let it go. I didn't let go of us going to the beach, but I let go of what going to the beach would look like. My little girl loves the water. Can't get enough. My little boy wants to be far from it. We mamas alternate between.

Today we did some serious sand play. I took my shovel and dug a hole deep enough that Beebz could stand in it with only her head and neck peeking out. She loved it. We made a Chutes and Ladders board in the sand and played with shells (no problem since Pablo has the chutes and ladders memorized). It evolved into some game involving the board and traveling to different countries. I am not really sure about the details because I was busy building a sand dragon. It was seriously fun. More importantly, is was seriously fun FOR ALL OF US.

This week has taught me several things. First and foremost, I am not the parent I want to be. There is a gulf between what I believe in and what I do that I want to close. It is easy to see this week because almost every day I have gotten time to myself, I am not lonely, and I am relaxed.

This is vastly different from normal life. And it shouldn't be.

I need to be taking time for daily self reflection rather than wasting all of what little time I get on escapist activities. I need to try harder to find a network of moms who have kids who like my own (and who I get along with). This is probably an impossible dream, but hey, I can try. Sitting at home doesn't get it done. I am not sure where to go and what to do... maybe I will meet parents at Pablo's camp this summer?

I see how I have gotten less and less mindful. More and more checked out. More and more stressed out. And less and less who I want to be. This vacation is like a breath of air after drowning. I didn't even know what it felt like to feel good anymore. Sadly enough, it will end. I wish it didn't have to. But I can take the lessons learned home with me. I can take better care of myself even though there is no ocean to help me feel alive again (fyi, if I believed in church, which I seriously don't, the beach would be mine. It is the place that comforts me and makes me feel connected to the universe like nothing else can. I cry every time I think of having to leave it. Literally. I am tearing up right now. My partner can attest.) I can find ways to feel connected to the universe even though I am miles away from the shore. At least, I can try.

Mostly, I see how negative I had become. How jaded. How hopeless. I had given up. On everything. Including the universe. But the tides showed me that things come and go, nothing stays the same. Nothing should. We can choose how we focus on the change. We could fixate on some arbitrary RIGHT way and try to force ourselves (and our poor children) into that. Or we can take each new thing, cherish the good (there is ALWAYS good), and let it go when it is time. And find the next good thing. And the next. And the next. And we can know with utter certainty, that is happening in it's own time, just as is should. Every moment there is something to cherish. Something to learn. Something to release. Something.

And after all that, how hypocritical would it be of me to say I don't want to leave? Yeah, yeah, I know.

Happy Mother's Day from the BEACH!

2009-05-10T20:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, we are at the beach. I may not come home.

Fibonacci Cleaning

2009-04-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

He wouldn't help pick up toys.

But I knew my audience. I created an awesome new game called Fibonacci cleaning! It is simple.

(F_n = number of toys you pick up in each round.)

So,
Round one you pick up 1,
Round 2 you pick up 2,
Round 3 you pick up 3,
Round 4 you pick up 5,
Round 5 you pick up 8, etc.

Thank the gods I came up with this one. He is really bored with counting by multiples and primes....

(Anybody have any other fun ways to count? This won't hold him for long!)

Are we out of the rut?

2009-04-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

You should know by now, if I get quiet, I am too worried to blog. And I have been worried. About Pablo. He seems to have been in a rut. Forever. OK, I exaggerate. But for a while. From the books it seems that most gifted kids are constantly curious, always wanting to know more. Pablo, on the other hand, learns in fits and starts. He stagnates for a while and then engulfs a new topic seemingly overnight. Then he obsesses over it until... he engulfs something else. This was how he learned to read, learned countries, learned math. One day he didn't know where Suriname was and the next he did. Along with all the other countries.

The current rut has been the ever present Mamma Mia hide and seek obsession (the one where the characters, represented by playmobile, legos, or almost anything else create the island and then take turns playing hide and seek). The adult gets to give coordinates for the seeker. 5 degrees south, etc. This one has gone on for much longer than I am used to, and it has been non-academic. Now, that is fine with me. (It isn't that I care how academic he is. I care how happy he is. And he is happiest when he is excited about learning something new. Less tantrums, more peace in the house. Good for him, good for me.)

Within all previous ruts, there was space to grow. I mean, when he wanted to learn math, he had addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, prime numbers, fractions, algebra, etc to work with. Mamma Mia is pretty one dimentional. Unless it was filling some spacial reasoning need. I am not sure what need was being met, but boy did it take a while. I wonder if playing Battleship (you know, where boats play HIDE AND SEEK from each other? Why are games so violent?!) helped with working through any spacial reasoning issue... we played for a week or so and now he is suddenly on to other things.

Yesterday he started playing with money again. He gave my partner an allowance (using a puzzle where each piece has a different number of coins or dollars) and asked her to buy things. They spent over an hour with her giving him money and him making change. To the best of my knowledge, not one Mamma Mia character was mentioned. Today he started telling me a whole story about various subtypes of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters. There were made up words to explain subtypes of pennies etc. How I have MISSED made up words!

Now he has been doing new things while obsessed with Mamma Mia, as a good friend kept pointing out when I would call to ask if she thought Pablo was OK. Martial arts. Swim class. But nothing that HE was passionate about. He was happy to do them, but it wasn't internally driven. I was getting scared he had lost his passion for learning. Understand, I don't care what he learns, when he learns, or how he spends his time. But I do care that he is HAPPY. And for months, he hasn't been himself. Honestly, I was starting to freak out a little. But all I had to do was wait long enough.

How is it that I always forget that with children (and adults), change is inevitable? Silly me. I guess worrying is one way to pass the time.... maybe I should find a new hobby that is less wearing on the nerves.

Puppy.

2009-04-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

No one will ever know that Beebz knows anything. She will grow up appearing to have no knowledge whatsoever. Why? Because she values humor above all else.

Case in point.

She calls every living thing PUPPY. When it is actually a puppy, she just says with all the baby-like cuteness she can muster (and trust me, she can muster like nobody's business). But give her a cow, a bunny, a bird.... really anything, and she will get a glint in her eye and shriek, PUPPY! at the top of her lungs and grin, waiting for the laugh. If she fails to get one, she will give herself a laugh from her bottomless supply. She loves it best if you argue with her, repeating over and over (and over) the correct word while she gives her PUPPY! responses more and more emphasis.

And then there is what animals say... you know, a cow says moo? Well, thanks to Moo Baa La La La, every living thing says LA LA LA.

Why?

Because her brother laughs the loudest when she says LA LA LA. It is not nearly as funny when a cow says BAA (Which it used to. But now she seems to be in a rut. She really needs to learn to rotate her material so it's not so darned predictable. There is totally a diminishing return on the same joke if overused.). Three months ago, she had all the animals saying, well, what they each say. But she quickly learned that a cow saying MOO is hardly funny at all, so correct animal sounds have been totally dropped. Because, after all, the bigger the laugh, the better it is.

Tell me you are not (at least sometimes) the same way.

Now, just as I was really despairing her ever pointing to a cow and saying anything as pedestrian as, oh, maybe... COW (or MOO), she spontaneously added DUCKIE to her repertoire. Amazingly enough, she says it when she sees a duck. Crazy, no? It doesn't get much of a laugh, so I am not really clear about her motivation, but at least it gives me hope that when she goes to college she will be able to relate to more than just the moronic folks who think college is just for keg parties.

And puppy tipping.

Happy Earth Day!

2009-04-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

In honor of Earth Day, I will now relay to you some horrors I recently discovered. You will thank me.

According to Green Up Your Cleanup (Green House), regulations on chemicals used in the home are essentially nonexistent. They don't have to give lists of ingredients. They can say they list all their ingredients and lie. They don't have to test for combining chemicals (say, using mirror cleaner and counter cleaner in the same room). They don't have to say what kinds of KNOWN dangers there are to the chemicals, just what you can't do (ie don't take internally). Does any of this freak you out as much as it did me?

A study by the Environmental Working Group tested the
umbilical-cord blood of 10 American babies born in 2004
and found an average of 200 industrial chemicals and
pollutants in each babies blood.

The effects of these toxins are cumulative. The EPA estimates that we have an average of 700 pollutants in each of our bodies. Not to mention the impact on the environment. Household cleaners are the most common source of pollutants. Seemingly innocent chemicals mix with each other when washed down the drain and combine to make some pretty nasty stuff. It is pretty scary.

Now I am not rich enough to go nontoxic with everything. I can't replace my floors and my mattress etc. But I can choose safe cleaning products. All I need is castile soap, vinegar, baking soda, and a few other things to make cleaning safe for my family. The kids can help me clean with no fear of getting poisoned. I am even using the recipe in the book for dishwasher detergent using borax and citric acid. I am loving it.

Happy Earth Day, folks. Here's to making a difference, however small.

We went CAMPING!!

2009-04-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

We had the best time. We went to Willis Creek Federal Park. I wouldn't recommend it, so I didn't bother linking to it. The thing is, the website lists all these fun activities (swimming, hiking, etc) but it turns out those are at one of the 3 OTHER parks nearby. Your pass gets you into all of them, but isn't one of the points of camping not to have to drive your car to see pretty places? Hmmm. Maybe that's just me.

Any hoo, it was actually kind of perfect. Our wonderful friends who went with us made it fun to just sit around and chat. (Or sleep, in the case of poor LD who was exjausted! If you can sleep through my kids' noise, you must REALLY need it!) In terms of amenities, it couldn't be beat. I know, when discussing camping, amenities aren't the point. But for us, taking our kiddos camping for the first time, it was really nice. We had a grill, a covered picnic table that was HUGE, water, and a fire pit.

Sadly, we were lacking TREES. I am guessing they were at one of the other parks. We only spent one night, but now we know how the kids camp. It was WAY easier than I thought it would be. I honestly was shocked.

Favorites of the trip included watching a real burning fire, seeing a lovely sunset, and spending time with friends. Also high on the list was being on camping time (if it's light, it is "day," if it's dark, it's called "night." Eat when hungry, sleep when sleepy.) My favorite kid part was
seeing and hearing Pablo's antics in the tent when he clearly thought he couldn't be seen or heard. Sometimes the hardest parts of being a parent is NOT laughing!

I promised Pablo that I would make reservations to camp again as soon as possible. I think he loves it as much as I do!

He's a Mamma Mia (and Lego) maniac.

2009-04-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

Call me crazy.

Or stupid.

Or both.

I have just committed an act guaranteed to make my son happy for years of building fun and myself insane for years of cleaning.

Yes.

I just bought 6 pounds (that's about 3000 pieces) of Legos on ebay. Yeah, I know. But seriously, the kid is building Kalokairi out of anything he can, and what better than Legos?

What can I say? I am a glutton for punishment. And I love happy kids more than a clean house. At least it will be contained in Pablo's room....

Can you think of a better way to spend 30 bucks? I didn't think so.

That's my boy!

2009-04-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

We went to the car dealership for a simple oil change. Then I needed this and that... you know how it is, and what was going to be a 30 minute errand turned into an hour and 40 minutes. Toward the end of the ordeal, a salesman approached me and asked the kids names, and then told me what a "delight" it had been to watch Pablo play so happily all this time. Then he added, "He has the sweetest disposition!"

I don't mean to brag or anything. It's just that I am used to being the mom wearing a bag on my head because my son's antics are generally, shall we say, less well received?

And that makes 3 times this week he was complimented for his behavior. Holy crap. I could seriously get used to this!

I fell off the map.

2009-04-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

At least it felt like it. We had some bad days, then some better ones. I am back on my existential crisis, feeling like I have no friends who get me (or get my son, or get the package that is my family), blah blah blah. Even I am sick of it. So I read my partner's Oprah. I have a really hard time with finding wisdom in a magazine that sells lipstick.

That's not true.

I have a hard time ADMITTING that I find wisdom in a magazine that sells lipstick. But Oprah manages it monthly. For those who can't afford therapy, just go read the most therapy-ish article in there (hint: it is NEVER EVER Dr. Phil. That guy is a nutbag for sure. I can't imagine that he keeps his license. Don't get me started on his stance toward children and parenting. Vile.) and it will get you through the month.

This month it is Just What You Need by Martha Beck. All about abundance mentality.

Sigh.

I am all too aware of my scarcity mentality with regards to money, friends, community, and even in my faith in the universe. To me there is never enough. So I have been working HARD to believe that I have all I need, and that all I need comes to me. I am trying my best to feel content with what I have, love my life as it is, see the good in what I have, and let changes happen as they come rather than chafing at the bit, constantly wanting more, more, more.

This being content thing takes a lot of work. Am I not doing it right?

Compromise

2009-04-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

She wanted to go for a ride in the stroller. I wanted to do laundry. Here is the compromise. What a helper!

Note 1: She is laughing.

Note 2: Those are CLEAN diapers. I am reasonable in my compromises, after all!!

Monopoly is SCARY.

2009-03-31T11:44:00.000-07:00

Pablo and I have moved on to MONOPOLY, and for all my rage against the man, capitalism sux kind of attitude, I love to play Monopoly. Of course, no grown-ups will play. They want to play grown-up games. So you can imagine my delight when Pablo agreed to play with me.

We set up the game, I explained the rules, and off we went. Until someone went to jail. Then it got progressively less fun. "Why do people go to jail?" "Why do people do things wrong?" "Why do I have to go to jail just for getting 3 sets of doubles? Is that wrong?" "Is it scary in jail?"

I answered as best I could, and only talked about it from the perspective of the game unless directly asked about REAL LIFE. Then I was as gentle as I know how to be.

And yet, in the hour and a half we played, he went from thinking Monopoly was his new favorite game to a quivering wreck of a 5 year old, petrified that he would have to go to jail. At one point, having rolled 2 sets of doubles, he handed me the dice, asked me to roll for him, and ran from the room.

Finally, in spite of having twice as much money as me, hotels and houses on the only 2 monopolies on the board, and the makings of a booty whipping for mama, he asked to quit. Jail was just too stressful.

I was so sad. I had great compassion for his fear, but I was seriously bummed at losing a Monopoly partner. I thought and thought and thought about what to do. Finally, I asked Pablo if Monopoly lost a jail and gained a PARK (with rules about how you get in and how you get out that are suspiciously like going to jail...), would he feel more comfortable playing the game?

The answer was a resounding YES! much to my joy and delight. So today we played again. For another hour and a half (ie until Beebz was too pissed of at being largely ignored) we played. We went to the park, we bought properties. We had FUN. The game is on pause now, due to a pressing need to play playmobile Mamma Mia (where they are playing Chutes and Ladders right now. Confused yet?). But I bet we pick up tomorrow right where we left off (by the by, I am doing way better this time. He will have to work to kick my booty).

One of the best parts of having kids is having someone to be a kid with. Thanks Pablo!!

PS Holy crap. He has the Chutes and Ladders board memorized and is wanting me to play by memory. No, wait. He says in this game, everything is doubled. So the board repeats itself, along with all the chutes and ladders. Jiminy cricket. And the spinner now goes up to 12. Thank goodness he will be keeping track of all this....

Anyone Lesbian and TTC?

2009-03-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, my partner and I are officially bearing no more children. (I am not yet giving up on adopting!!!) We are cleaning out and realized that we have a TTC kit (speculum, syringes, catheters, collection cups for the swimmers, etc) that we would like to pass on to a good home. (None of it has been used. Ewww.) Some friends gave it to us. All we took from the kit was one catheter. It appears to be worth about $90 bucks, from the receipt in the bag. Does anyone need these supplies? We aren't looking to make any money, just to pay it forward. Hopefully we can ship you our luck, too (3 tries and 1 try, respectively)!! Email me if you are interested.

How to Play Non-violent Clue with a 5 year old.

2009-03-27T16:38:00.000-07:00

Don't let the child read the instructions or the gig is up.

There is no Mr Body. There are 6 friends who want to play... hide and seek. We get to help find them.

They want to hide with... objects. They think it will be more fun that way. Say, "No, I have no idea why they are called weapons." Gloss over that as quickly as possible.

Continue as per the rules.

How long do you think that could last? In my house, about 5 minutes. Pablo asked my why anyone would hurt someone else. Phooey those instructions.

I wasn't offering a nursing show, lady. That's weekdays only.

2009-03-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

I am an unabashed lactivist. It wouldn't occur to me in a million years to hide away from people in order to nurse, unless of course whatever was going on was distracting the baby. Which it was today, at a birthday party. Beebz was tired and grumpy and kept unlatching to cry at me, so I went into a bedroom to nurse her to sleep. A little while later another mom came in with her toddler, and jumped as if she had caught me pole dancing while wearing only pasties. (avoid the visual. please.)

"Oh, I am so sorry! I didn't know you were nursing! I was just looking for somewhere to change a diaper," she said as she started to leave the room.

I replied, "Oh, it's OK. You can stay. I don't mind."

Now here is the part where I need your help, dear readers.

She said, "No... I will just use the bathroom. My husband is here." Then she walked out, closing the (previously open) door behind her.

Huh? What? Understand, I was totally covered up. There wasn't going to be a show, with or without her husband present.

So I am just a bit disappointed that I didn't get a chance to nurse publicly, just to see what would have happened!

The Amazing 2 Week Blanket!!

2009-03-19T09:05:00.000-07:00

I complained a while back about the amazing blanket I was making and then had to rip out TONS of yarn. Despite the delay, it is finished in about two weeks. This is by far the prettiest pattern I have ever done. It was fun, challenging, and exciting to do. This is impressive since most blanket patterns get boring very quickly. Needless to say, I am darned pleased with it.

Now quick, someone have a baby so I can make another one!!

ILLNESS UPDATE: Now the boyo is sick and the baby is well. They are both napping right now. The fact that Pablo is asleep during the day shows that he is feeling REALLY lousy. I have a sore throat that hurts too much to let me sleep, so I am goofing off and drinking hot tea. And enjoying the quiet.

Negotiating 101

2009-03-18T14:03:00.000-07:00

Me: Hey dude, don't forget to put away the silverware, please.

Him: I don't want to. You do it.

Me: OK, it sounds like you want to trade chores. If I put away the silverware, which of my chores are you going to do? I need to clean the bathrooms. You want to do that instead?

Him: ... OK. I will put up the silverware. Unless there is a whole lot. Then YOU have to do it and I will clean a bathroom. By myself. (Perish the thought of a bathroom cleaned all by himself. All he likes to do is spray the vinegar/water mixture all over the place and leave. No wipe down at all.)

Me: A whole bathroom by yourself? Wow. OK. That is a deal, dude.

Him: Let me see if there is a lot of silverware!

--He runs out of the room toward the kitchen. He comes back laughing.--

Him: Mama, I already put up the silverware!

Me, laughing: You did? I guess we both forgot! How silly.

Him: ... Can I help you clean the bathroom now?

Our new favorite game

2009-03-16T08:23:00.001-07:00

A friend suggested this website a couple of weeks ago, chock full of fun physics games. They are awesome, and show physics concepts really well. (Especially since physics only works in theory since in the real world you can't really eliminate all the variables that are out of your control. Don't get me started.)

But boy did I get addicted to fantastic contraptions. Check it out!

Online Physics Games

Gotta get back to the kids now... the baby is sick and pretty grumpy, although she seems to be on the mend. I don't like 103 temps in the middle of the night. I am glad it is back down to a reasonable 100 or so....

And I am coasting today on about 4 hours sleep. Wish me luck!

Sleepless nights

2009-03-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

We have a rule in our family bed. You must be still and quiet. If you start goofing off, you go to your bed. (Pablo sleeps in a twin bed next to our king. Sometime in the night, he crawls into our bed for snuggles, which I am generally happy to give.) If you keep goofing off, you go to your room. Alone. So that people who want to sleep can sleep. It isn't a threat. It is just a need that we have. Sleep is precious. Especially now that certain people stay up half the night. ahem.

Both Beebz and Pablo have gotten into a new fun habit of being restless and awake between about 1:30 and 4:30 in the morning. They don't want to play. They just don't sleep well. This is both the blessing and the curse of co-sleeping. I know when they are awake.

Some nights I am pretty grouchy about being woken up. Other nights I don't mind at all. So the tone of me saying, "Pablo, this is a still and quiet room. Settle down." varies depending on how unconscious I was before the interruption and how long the hijinks have been going on. Sometimes one reminder is enough, and other times he is sent out of the bed.

Last night I was feeling all snuggly and Pablo was being relatively quiet with his sleeplessness, so I was in a pretty mellow mood. Then he started flipping and flopping. And giggling. After a few minutes of this, I sweetly said my standard, "This is a still and quiet space. If you can't be still and quiet, you need to go back to your bed."

I thought I said it really nicely.

He immediately got really still. I mentally congratulatd myself on being clear yet peaceful with my tone at 3AM. I put an arm around him a minute or two later and realised his arms were glued to his sides. He was rigid with the effort to be still.

Then he whispered, "Mama? Can you scratch my nose?"

I wonder how I sounded to him?!

Success and ... delayed success!

2009-03-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, when we went to visit my parents, my mom retaught me how to knit. I knew how, but had figured it out in one of my few awkward fits of left-handed, no one can show me how to do it right, kind of way. (Most things that I didn't have someone to show me, I do right handed. Like crochet. And golf. Not that I play golf.)

So my mom showed me how to knit right handed. And I got it. Suddenly, it all made sense. I can now tell knits from purls with confidence. I can feel it in my hands. They now know, without my brain having to constantly monitor them, what they are doing. It was exhilarating. I love the feeling of really getting something. So I got all kinds of crazy and tried a pattern. And not an easy one. But why not? I felt invincible. Here it is. Nothing useful, just a swatch. But it represents my new foray into the world of fearless knitting. I wish the pictures showed better detail!

In sadder crafting news, I am working on this blanket for a dear friend's baby due in May. This is by far the most complicated (and FUN) blanket I have ever done. It has flown. I was 33 rows into the circular pattern in 4 days. That is 33 out of 38. Home stretch.

Then the problems started. There is an error in the pattern. I found the fix online.

It didn't work.

Then I saw that at row 30, I had made a mistake. A big one. grumble grumble. I ripped out 3 rows.

Then as I was fixing that error, I found another one. A little one. A pivotal one. On row 26. Sigh. I ripped out.

I have gotten back to row 30.

Oh well. Gotta love a pattern where every row changes 3 times and there are no repeats!!

No, really.

I do.

That wasn't sarcasm.

hide and sit

2009-03-11T09:58:00.000-07:00

My thoughts aren't racing. They never do. Nothing about me goes that fast.

No, my thoughts are playing hide and seek. They peek out just enough for me to get a glance, then dance away. Sad thoughts. Scared thoughts.

I could chase them, but we all know how that goes. I would get wrapped up in them, see them as reality rather than the shadows they are.

I just want to sit with them, seeing the truths and lies within. They know they will lose potency, power, from this. They want to be strong, even if that means hiding. They know that my sitting with them will transform them. They know they are only shadows, and they don't want to fade away.

I have compassion for their fear, for it is my own. So I smile as they frolic away.

Today I go about my life, a player in this game of hide and seek. Except that I am not seeking. I will wait for them to come to me. And we will both transform.

FINALLY DONE!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-09T08:39:00.001-07:00

As you may or may not remember, I started making Christmas presents for people I loved last June. 2008. For Christmas, 2008. This weekend, the last present was FINALLY delivered.

It was the only one that was late. This had something to do with me creating my own pattern and getting seriously STUCK for about a month. I could barely look at the damn thing for a while, but once I had the light bulb moment, I loved it again. Let's just sum it up and say that reducing granny squares is not easy. Turns out the trick is triangles.

The cute story attached to this sweater is that when I asked my friend if she wanted me to make her anything for Christmas, her eyes lit up, and she said, "Oh, you have that awesome shrug you made. Will you make me one like that?"

I of course said yes, and asked her to try it on to check size. She then started adorably requesting the alterations: Could you make the torso more filled in (My shrug is basically arms and back and nothing else)? Could you make it longer? You know how I love long sleeves that bell out. Could you do that? Maybe in black. How about wool? Could you do that?

I thought, "Well yes, I can, but then it won't be this shrug...." But that was fine since I didn't remember how I had made it anyway. (My shrug, in my opinion, was a failed experiment. I never wear it.)

I don't know if she even remembers this conversation, but it was pretty darned cute.

So this is the end product. She loves crosses, so I made Greek cross granny squares. See them? I came up with a cool and lacy way to connect the kabillion granny squares and made sleeves out of granny squares (and a blessed triangle!) and Bob's your uncle, it was DONE. Merry Christmas, 2008. Now for 2009....

Why I love Byron Katie

2009-03-03T07:29:00.000-08:00

Many, many years ago, I was given a little book, more of a pamphlet, really, by Byron Katie. I read through it briefly, thought it looked cool, and put it on my book shelf. After that, I am not sure what happened to it. Maybe I loaned it to someone. In short, I forgot all about it.

Until I was at my office a few weeks ago and saw Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. I was thrilled. I borrowed it and devoured it in a few days. I fell in love with the simplicity of this life changing method of inquiry. Her philosophy fits right in to my Buddhist groove. She is so loving, so joyous, so peaceful. She lays it all out in this book, so anyone can do the work.

I found the website.

I got another book, A Thousand Names for Joy: Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are. This one is Katie's reflections on the Tao. Simply beautiful.

Now I am working to integrate the four questions into my life.

Some things that bothered me don't anymore. The things that do bother me make me laugh, because I know I am not yet ready to let go of that irritation.

Well, OK.

Some of the time.

I find myself slowing down. I want my down time to be quiet.

I notice more quickly when my brain starts to tell me an upsetting story. I find myself being more kind in my thoughts. More forgiving.

Well, OK.

Some of the time. :)

Cause who doesn't need a crochet childbirth doll?

2009-02-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

My friend sent me this. I have to make one now. Seriously. Could this get any better? Check out the details! Placenta! Umbilical cord that detaches from the belly BUTTON! Seriously, people, this is fantastic in ways I will never find words to describe. But who needs words? I have pictures.

In the interest of full disclosure, I stole this from this blog. Gonna have to follow it.

Thank you, Cozy Coleman, for your amazing creativity!!!!

New House Rule: You Can Only Be Your Own Muppaphone

2009-02-23T06:49:00.000-08:00

Can you guess why we had to implement this rule? Yeah, you got it.