Saturday, July 26, 2008

Sugar: a new and more disgusting interpretation

Did someone ever REALLY REALLY ruin something for you, but for your own good, so you can't be mad because they were trying to help? Like telling you all about how animals are slaughtered as you eat a hamburger? I am still a vegetarian from reading Diet for a New America in 1992 and I was only EXPLORING MY OPTIONS.

Today it was much more tragic. I went to see my acupuncturist to get help for this 4 week long misery of illness/allergies that has probably gotten boring to hear me whine about by now. She kindly told me that my diet is making it all worse and that I need to make some changes. And to think of any sugar as (oh. Maybe you don't want sweets ruined FOREVER, so you may want to skip a line or two here. Or maybe the rest of the post.) phlegm. Then she got graphic. Describing cookies in detail (hot, gooey, fresh out of the oven) and then saying, "You might as well just eat a big wad of phlegm!" in a perky "helpful" voice. She even went so far as to sing, "Just a spoonful of phlegm makes you really really sick..." to a jaunty Mary Poppins-esque tune. She mimed bringing a spoonful of phlegm up to her mouth and made yummy noises. If any of this is not totally grossing you out, then I am just not explaining it well, cause EEEWWWWWW.

So I get to give up all sugars and all unhealthy carbs. Like bread and pasta. Even whole wheat bread and pasta. Anything that is not a vegetable. After some serious negotiation, she did relent on the carbs to say that since I am nursing I should still eat SOME carbs. But they will turn into yummy phlegm. Healthy sugars like agave? Phlegm. Bananas? Phlegm. Cheese? Of course phlegm. Anything yummy? Phlegm.

Did I mention I am on a sugar craving binge? I generally eat pretty healthy, but I do eat a lot of carbs. And I am currently OBSESSED with No Pudge Fat Free Brownie Mix. These brownies are way too healthy to taste as good as they do. And I have a batch sitting in my kitchen RIGHT NOW. Made before the acupuncture appointment, of course. It is SO WRONG to look at the best brownies in the world and think PHLEGM.

I really have no problem with eating healthier. However, I do NOT want to be TOLD to eat healthier. My acupuncturist is not the boss of me. And do you know what she said to me? Do you? She smiled sweetly at me as I was grumbling about these new fun restrictions and said, "Well, you have been eating a certain way. And you DO eat well. But, you have been feeling horrible for a month. So, (and she COCKED HER HEAD) how do you think that's been working for you? Do you LIKE how you have been feeling? Or do you want to make some changes and feel BETTER?"

Now that is just low down mean and nasty, isn't it? Throwing my own actions in my face like my health is somehow MY responsibility. Oh. Yeah, OK, I guess it is. Whatever.


  1. Noooooooooooooo! Does she not understand that sugar = sanity? After a hard night of marathon-nursing, a morning of special-order cooking "mama, can I have grilled cheese and apple slices for breakfast? no! no peel! no crusts!" and MORE nursing, by lunch it is time for a scrambled egg, a few naked celery sticks and a BIG old spoonful of chocolate chip cookie dough. This is the only fuel to help cope with the afternoon ahead. I believe it to be essential. But now I am looking at my late-night spoon of dough and thinking ....phlegm.... god, she has me too. Resist the sugar-hater!

  2. That is insane. Truly insane. No carbs. Not even whole wheat? In my personal experience sugar makes phlegm worse, but not complex carbs, just plain old sugar (and HFCS is the worst). Still, I won't give up corn chips or cake. I might give it up for a couple of weeks at a time, but then I start going insane. Crazy.