When my memory falters, it is my wife who suffers.

For months before our anniversary, I hounded my partner that I had found THE PERFECT GIFT. (Lest I sound like a total jerk, please know that my partner is obnoxiously Zen about gifts. Wave a gift in her face, saying it is the best thing ever, and she will nod, thank you, and be happy to open it tomorrow. Or next week. I, on the other hand, am like a kid at christmas. If she calls and tells me she got me a present, I wait eagerly and pounce on her as soon as she gets home. Even if I know the present is probably her lunch leftovers. Back to the story....)

This gift was going to be special. Perfect. (And did I mention she is hard to shop for?) I preened loudly, I bragged, I generally made a big huge deal about it FOR MONTHS. And then I forgot. Forgot what it was, forgot what it might have been, freakin FORGOT. I even forgot that I had an idea in the first place. It was my partner who reminded me, when I asked her what she wanted for out anniversary. I forgot so badly, that it didn't even sound familiar when she mentioned me making a big deal about it. Finally, a few days later, I remembered being a stinker about the bragging. But I still had no idea what item had started the fervor. I racked my brain. I journaled, hoping it would come to me. I tried to make myself dream about it. No dice. I was crushed, and for once, so was she.

Today, while looking online for something else, I found it. I had even bookmarked, although that particular link had expired. Now here it is 2 months after our anniversary, and I have the perfect gift. There is NO WAY I will remember this for another 10 months! So I am telling YOU. I am posting a hyperlink here. Which my love WILL NOT OPEN. And NONE of you will tell her what it is. If you do, I will know who it was, so don't even think about telling her. Got it? Good.

Now, we all know what she is getting next year. Except her. Because I suspect she is back in that annoying Zen state, and will be happy to wait 10 months for this gift with way too much build up.

I am guessing I will buy it and give it to her in January. Because there is NO WAY I can wait 10 months! Geez! As much as I would love a good Zen state in general, presents are a WHOLE DIFFERENT THING! Am I right? Betcha the Dalai Lama agrees.

Who knew mouth to mouth worked on computers?! Now would it work on my wrist?

Yes, it turns out that sometimes by removing the hard drive and blowing on the pins, new life is infused into an old computer. So I am BACK IN BUSINESS!!

My computer is fixed, but sadly, I am broken. I apparently have carpal tunnel in one (or two) of my wrists. My hand falls asleep while I am knitting. Both hands fall asleep while I am sleeping. I keep telling them that's redundant, but they don't seem to be listening.

I went and got a brace for my worse hand, and it seems to be helping. The weird thing is that my partner and some friends seem to think I should stop knitting or crocheting to let my wrists rest. huh. They haven't looked at a calendar. Hello? DECEMBER?! Hannukah? Christmas? Solstice? What are these people thinking?! I have presents to finish. Hell, I have presents to START! There is no time for resting. This is the time to play through the pain, dude. This is my Olympics.

I am not, however, unreasonable. I will stop working on anyone's present if they explicitly tell me to stop that project. See? I am at the height of reason. (If a person doesn't know I am making something they can't stop me tho... hehehe.) After the holidays I will give it a rest. After I make myself another pair of socks....

For now, I will sign off. It kind of hurts to type....

In memorium...death bytes

Alas, my laptop has died. It is a tragic loss, and currently irreplaceable.
Ah, what can I do? Access the internet mostly in my dreams, I suppose.

To take my mind off those woes, I would now tell cute stories about my children
but I can't remember any off hand. I promise there were several times I thought:
I need to remember to blog this! Since I had no working computer handy I had to
rely on my memory, which I think we all know is shot. But I just can't seem to think
of anything. Huh. Cute stories are in there somewhere...maybe you could access
my imagination through the internet?

In sickness and in health

Last week the kids each got sick for about a day and a half. And then they were fine. I, on the other hand, am still feeling it, more than a week later. Flu symptoms, body aches, the works. I am feeling better now, except for a cough that seems intent on wintering in my lungs. Of course, all this has thrown life into a tail spin.

School? What school? House cleaning? Ha. I was even too tired to knit for a few days. That's pathetic. I am getting back into the swing of things slowly, not expecting too much. I hope. Because I have no interest in relapse.

Oh. And did I mention that apparently my computer got the flu too? Yeah, it keeps stopping windows and saying things like "back up hard drive immediately, failure imminent" and "retrying system start... retrying system start...." So I removed any recent downloads, ran my virus software, and all that. You know, silicon chicken soup. So far, it seems to be doing better, as evidenced by the fact that I was able to type this much without a shutdown. sigh.

We all seem to be back in the land of the living. or at least functional. I am glad to be back!

it is one of those days.

I want to run away from home. The boy is HARD. He is so freaking hard sometimes that I think I can't stand it anymore. He talks CONSTANTLY. He NEEDS constantly. And then I blame myself because if I were more patient, loving,peaceful, etc (ie not such a crappy mom) then he would be easy. Or maybe he wouldn't be easy but I wouldn't care because I would be all Zen about him being here to teach me a lesson and that this is my chance to freakin" EVOLVE. Stupid evolving. Who needs it?!

The baby is hard because she doesn't EVER sleep and she is a twiddler of the worst freaking kind and it drives me up the wall and I want to scream but that wouldn't help. It would just scare her and make her cry and then need to nurse to calm down and...twiddle.

My partner is hard because sometimes it seems like everything I say and do is wrong and I hate it and I wonder if anything will ever be OK again in the whole universe.

I just want to cry (again) and I want to run and hide in a hole somewhere and just not have to see anyone for a while but that's not possible cause I am the MOM and we don't get breaks. And yes, I see that saying all this is ridiculous because just today I got a 2 hour massage and new shoes and I got a break for a while. But it wasn't enough. Nothing feels like it will ever be enough because it is all so overwhelmingly HARD.

And my period is due tomorrow.

But I am sure that is completely unrelated to all this.....

Accentuate the positive....

We are at the beach this week. I would love to say that it has been the perfect vacation, but I live in the real world, so there is no such thing. First off, Pablo is terrified of the ocean this time. Understand, on previous visits, it was hard to keep him OUT of the water. He didn't want to swim, but he loved chasing waves and all that shallow water stuff. This time, one foot on the soft sand and he was freaked. Completely. The earth moved, and that was seriously uncool. So much for practically living at the beach. We went anyway, and I tried to show him what was happening (ie tiny amounts of sand were moving, not huge amounts that would suck him into the earth). No dice.

Now add to the horror of being forced to go somewhere scary to the huge changes in our daily schedule, change of space, etc. and we were prime for melt downs. Oh yeah. Add to that a mama who was seriously obsessed with all of us having a good time, dammit. At the beach. You see it coming, don't you?

Well one day of that and I let it go. I didn't let go of us going to the beach, but I let go of what going to the beach would look like. My little girl loves the water. Can't get enough. My little boy wants to be far from it. We mamas alternate between.

Today we did some serious sand play. I took my shovel and dug a hole deep enough that Beebz could stand in it with only her head and neck peeking out. She loved it. We made a Chutes and Ladders board in the sand and played with shells (no problem since Pablo has the chutes and ladders memorized). It evolved into some game involving the board and traveling to different countries. I am not really sure about the details because I was busy building a sand dragon. It was seriously fun. More importantly, is was seriously fun FOR ALL OF US.

This week has taught me several things. First and foremost, I am not the parent I want to be. There is a gulf between what I believe in and what I do that I want to close. It is easy to see this week because almost every day I have gotten time to myself, I am not lonely, and I am relaxed.

This is vastly different from normal life. And it shouldn't be.

I need to be taking time for daily self reflection rather than wasting all of what little time I get on escapist activities. I need to try harder to find a network of moms who have kids who like my own (and who I get along with). This is probably an impossible dream, but hey, I can try. Sitting at home doesn't get it done. I am not sure where to go and what to do... maybe I will meet parents at Pablo's camp this summer?

I see how I have gotten less and less mindful. More and more checked out. More and more stressed out. And less and less who I want to be. This vacation is like a breath of air after drowning. I didn't even know what it felt like to feel good anymore. Sadly enough, it will end. I wish it didn't have to. But I can take the lessons learned home with me. I can take better care of myself even though there is no ocean to help me feel alive again (fyi, if I believed in church, which I seriously don't, the beach would be mine. It is the place that comforts me and makes me feel connected to the universe like nothing else can. I cry every time I think of having to leave it. Literally. I am tearing up right now. My partner can attest.) I can find ways to feel connected to the universe even though I am miles away from the shore. At least, I can try.

Mostly, I see how negative I had become. How jaded. How hopeless. I had given up. On everything. Including the universe. But the tides showed me that things come and go, nothing stays the same. Nothing should. We can choose how we focus on the change. We could fixate on some arbitrary RIGHT way and try to force ourselves (and our poor children) into that. Or we can take each new thing, cherish the good (there is ALWAYS good), and let it go when it is time. And find the next good thing. And the next. And the next. And we can know with utter certainty, that is happening in it's own time, just as is should. Every moment there is something to cherish. Something to learn. Something to release. Something.

And after all that, how hypocritical would it be of me to say I don't want to leave? Yeah, yeah, I know.

Happy Mother's Day from the BEACH!

Yes, we are at the beach. I may not come home.

I fell off the map.

At least it felt like it. We had some bad days, then some better ones. I am back on my existential crisis, feeling like I have no friends who get me (or get my son, or get the package that is my family), blah blah blah. Even I am sick of it. So I read my partner's Oprah. I have a really hard time with finding wisdom in a magazine that sells lipstick.

That's not true.

I have a hard time ADMITTING that I find wisdom in a magazine that sells lipstick. But Oprah manages it monthly. For those who can't afford therapy, just go read the most therapy-ish article in there (hint: it is NEVER EVER Dr. Phil. That guy is a nutbag for sure. I can't imagine that he keeps his license. Don't get me started on his stance toward children and parenting. Vile.) and it will get you through the month.

This month it is Just What You Need by Martha Beck. All about abundance mentality.

Sigh.

I am all too aware of my scarcity mentality with regards to money, friends, community, and even in my faith in the universe. To me there is never enough. So I have been working HARD to believe that I have all I need, and that all I need comes to me. I am trying my best to feel content with what I have, love my life as it is, see the good in what I have, and let changes happen as they come rather than chafing at the bit, constantly wanting more, more, more.

This being content thing takes a lot of work. Am I not doing it right?

Starting over

The new year is a natural time to make changes, to see things anew, to replace stagnation with energy and verve. And I want to. I feel somewhat like this is not an option for me, like there is no space to change, but hey, I am willing to give it a go, just for the sake of laughs. We went to a New Year's party today and a dear friend did a Tarot reading for me. She pegged me on several uncomfortable issues (dammit) all I could do was sit there squirming.

Basically she said that I have been in a rut for a long time and I live in my own head too much and that I have so many choices before me that I can't seem to pick one. Hell, I can't even SEE them anymore! But I must. Pick (at least) one and take action. Doing is, of course, the remedy for thinking too much. It was really amazing. I couldn't even think of possible actions. So then my dear friend gave me homework. At a party. I am supposed to list all the areas I am willing to change and what that change could look like. eep. Can't I just do her laundry for her instead? AND SHE WILL BE CALLING ME to talk more about it. In 2 days. Did I say eep? I meant EEP!!

So here is my attempt. eep.

1. Physical well being: I can eat healthier and exercise more. This includes not only going to the gym, but taking walks in my neighborhood and going on hikes, etc. Getting out there. Any step is a step in the right direction.

2. I can take some action (not sure what) in looking for a job. I have been searching off and on, but mostly feeling hopeless about it. I could decide that I WILL BE MAKING X AMOUNT OF MONEY A MONTH BY FEBRUARY. There. Still not sure how, but that part could take care of itself, right? Right?

3. I can choose to let go of emotional baggage. Actively. From the apparently ex-friend (her choice, not mine) who thinks my son and I are horrid people to judgments I have about myself, the universe, and my place in it... I can let it all go. Actively. Forgiveness meditations. Journaling. Trusting that things don't have to be the way they are. Actively being positive. With determination. gulp.

4. I can work to deepen my relationship. I can expect more of myself and my partner, work to see her anew (despite the doldrums that come from having small children), and fight the strong inclination to fall into bed at the end of the day for the express purpose of sleeping. hmmm.

5. I can set at least one daily goal. Whether it is playing with the kids or cleaning house, feeling like I am ACCOMPLISHING something I set out to do will make a huge difference in my attitude. ooh, I like that one!


I will keep thinking. In action steps. This whole doing rather than thinking thing feels very foreign to me at this stage of life, where so much seems like it is out of my control. But I can work, in small ways, to make changes.

Happy New Year. What are you changing?

Back. Yippee.

We are back to the routine. My partner is thrilled. I am despondent. We went from a place with 5 people happy to play with the kids (I could get breaks! I got to talk to actual grown ups! Not about anything deep, but still, GROWN UPS!!) back down to just me. The loneliness and the lack of direction in our days feel overwhelming. Pair that with Pablo's regression with behavior (we partially treated corn which means he was exposed to it and the reaction has been MAJOR. And awful. And several expletives.), and I wonder why I am doing any of this. Then I remember. I have no other choices, so this is where I am.

What is missing is someone to point us in a direction, to find things to do, to be the cruise director, as it were. Yeah, I am thinking the same thing you are. That would be me. I just can't seem to find my inner Julie McCoy. I want to follow, Pablo can't even seem to find his own feet, and sweet little Beebz has decided NOW is the time to assert her personhood. She MUST go OVER THERE, not in a minute, but RIGHT NOW, and will SHRIEK at the top of her lungs if denied. She is not the Julie McCoy I am looking for.

Fun times.

I know part of it is that I feel depressed to the point of tears when I think about having lost how good things were with him. We went 3 weeks without a single tantrum. Without a single irrational, dig in your heels, ain't gonna drop it EVER, kind of scene. And then it all came crashing back. The tantrums. The loss of focus. The impatience. Just in time for the holidays. Just in time for everyone I know to see... no change at all in his behavior. I cry every time I think about it. I wonder how long until we get back there again? What will we have to endure until then? Will he be able to eat the foods he loves again? And why the hell, in this crazy time, is his doctor in freakin' Patagonia? No kidding. I am too bummed to make stuff like this up. Oh, and the doctor no longer takes our insurance. So instead of paying an arm and a leg we get to pay two arms and legs. Since we have so much extra money laying around. Yippee.

I have to turn this around. I know I do. I just today was giving the speech to someone else about how feelings are energy, and you can take any kind of energy and transform it into something that can be used to change where you are. I know this is true. I just don't have it in me right now to try.

I know. I am a ray of sunshine, aren't I?

Somebody tell me 2009 will be better. Or that I will find peace with where I am.

a short whine

We adults are sick. Colds. My partner has been sick for over a week, and I seem to have escaped with a milder version that has lasted 4 days so far. The kids seem fine, so far. I am so tired and so tired of feeling this way. sigh.

I feel discontented about a lot of things. The small stuff I am not supposed to sweat feels like it is all towering over me about to crash down and suffocate me but maybe I won't mind because all the LOOMING will be over. I don't feel like giving any of the stuff that is bothering me any power by writing it down. The details are insignificant. But I feel low, low, low. The emotions matter. sigh.

Ah well. If this doesn't help me feel better, it will at lease amuse the kids. Tweet Tweet.

Without.

It is terribly materialistic of me, but one of my absolute favorite things about the holidays is giving thoughtful gifts. When I am out and about and I see something that one of my loved ones will adore, it is so fulfilling to get it, wrap it up, have the anticipation of seeing their reaction, actually seeing their reaction, and knowing that they get the underlying message: I know you well, and I love you dearly. My partner is a no nonsense, get-what-is-on-the-person's-wish-list kind of shopper. That gets the person something they want and will love, but the surprise factor, the "I know you so well" factor, is lost. Over time, I have fallen more and more into the wish list category as life with kids has made shopping (and life) more chaotic.

This year, there is a much bigger issue than how to shop. It is that we can't shop. We just don't have the funds to spare for anything extra. We just can't give like we have in the past. I knew it was coming, so I have been making as many gifts as I can. I am really excited about what I am making. But, when I am out and about and I see something one of my loved ones would adore, I feel a physical pang at passing it up. Like I cannot afford to give the love I so want to share.

I know it is really about the love, not the gifts, but in my family, the whole tradition of surprise is huge.

There was the year I got a watch (a Swatch, remember those? that I REALLY wanted) in a 4 by 3 by 3 box... that's feet, not inches. There were rocks and bottles half full of water and all kinds of things jammed into the huge box to make it more confusing when shaken. By my much older brother. Who taunted me with it. Daily.

Many years, someone got a gift consisting of a card with a clue that lead you to search all over the house for more clues until you finally found your gift. One year my dad kept jokingly telling me all he wanted for xmas was a Rolls Royce. So I got him a key to a Rolls Royce and a clue describing where to find the car. Several clues later he found it. A 6 inch Rolls, in white. He didn't mention what size Rolls he wanted...

There was the time that I gave a riddle of a toy car and a deck of cards, and not until the riddle was solved would I give the real gift (a copy of Wheeler Dealers. get it?).

Yes, most of these were in the halcyon days of childhood, but still, they hold a mystical power over me.

Thoughtful gifts say something that words just can't. I have been working since August (maybe July?) to hand make presents for the people I love because I knew we would be pretty broke this year. I didn't anticipate that all this crafting work still wouldn't feel like enough. I know, I know, it is really about the connections, the love....

As I reflect on how I am feeling, I can see that it is the magic of the holidays... the magic the ADULTS created, that I miss the most. Buying gifts was the way I could help make magic as a child and I have never moved beyond that method. I really miss having adults to create the magic. What? I have to be my own adult? sigh. (We still haven't even decided whether to believe in Santa in this house. We do some crazy agnostic version, where they get presents from Santa but when asked, we say we don't know if Santa exists but we believe in the spirit of the holidays. yeah, yeah, I know.)

In reflcting on this, I can see that I have been amazingly creative in my gift giving for most of my life. Now I need to apply that spirit to my whole holiday, finding ways to bring the magic into it, sans money. Looks like I need to get out the lights and string up some magic.

Thankful.

The baby has been sick. I am getting no sleep. I am still tragically sad about my recent pummeling at the hands of a friend and the ensuing drama that followed when I reacted only with love. I can't seem to let this go. And, because it all happened on my blog, I find myself paralyzed about blogging. This is a space for my truth and to be judged on it feels more violating than I had imagined it could. I got called "a nut" by a dear friend because of my profession. I am stressed out about the holidays because, well, they are stressful. Fun, but stressful. Most of all, I am sad. As my existential crisis lingers on and on (and on, yes, I know, get over it), I feel like the people I can trust just gets smaller and smaller. I feel so alone so much of the time.

But....

I have two amazing children that mean the world to me.
I have the best partner in the world. I would seriously pit her against anyone in a "being a good partner" contest. She would totally win.
I have a home that is safe and beautiful.
I have people who care for me.
I get to practice my career two hours a week which helps me remember the larger part of me so I don't drown in full time mommyhood.
I have family that loves me dearly and shows me the best they know how.
I am healthy.
I have time each day to relax and be brain dead for a while. Well, most days....
I get to be creative on a daily basis.
I get to raise my own children.
I have many many books. (That should go higher on the list...)

You see, I have so much to be thankful for. I will sit with the sadness and let it be tempered by my gratitude.

I wish I knew...

I don't understand
How
One day I am calm
And peaceful
In the face of tsunami storms
That
Wash over me
Through me
Past me
While within I am centered.
Anchored.
Calm.

Another day
The waters are calm
But I am not.
The storm rages within,
waiting,
And the most gentle wind
Without
Somehow sets tidal waves in motion
And I am left to
Hold back the storm
Trying so hard
But failing so pathetically
To protect
Those I
Love
So
Much.

The difference is within,
Not without.
This much
I know.

The rest is a mystery.
Depths I cannot fathom
No matter how I try.
Being gentle to myself
Does not come naturally,
But I try to
Learn,
So slowly,
Compassion
For the storms I weather
Within and
Without.

NAET and other news...

Pablo started NAET today. It is an allergy elimination system that uses exposure and acupressure. I could describe it better, but at this point, that's pretty much all I know. It came highly recommended to me by many people, and I am really excited about it.

They told us that when kids are exposed to the allergen, they may react in all different ways. Pablo opted for being a whirling dervish, and acting as insanely hyperactive as I have ever seen him. The trick is, I didn't know he had the allergen, so I just thought he was being wild for no reason at all. Pink spots appeared on his cheeks, and he was literally bouncing off the walls. And the door. And the table. And, and, and....

It looks like to get everything done, we need about 8-10 weeks going 2-3 times a week. Fun, fun, fun. But seriously, this is going to be kind of scary. I have to take him, by myself, and with the baby, to a place where they expose him to things that make him act like a maniac. Wheeeee.

At the end of it all, he should be allergy free. The doctor said the effects are amazing. I can't wait to see.

In other news, we went to the Renaissance Festival this weekend. Everyone got tired of it way before me, but then again, part of me wishes I could be an artisan gypsy and travel from fair to fair etc. It is so magical. Maybe the baby will love it and she and I can make it a special mama thing when she gets older....

And finally, to k, who has so publicly judged me and my parenting, thank you. I was rather forcefully reminded today just how painful it is to be on the receiving end of cruel and judgmental statements. I sat with it. I was very hurt by your comments about my bad parenting, and the insults to my son. In sitting with my pain and feelings of betrayal, it occurred to me that I sometimes cause this pain in others through my own judgments. The tenet that is the backbone of my moral code is "Do as you will, and harm none." Thank you for reminding me how much pain judgmental attitudes cause, whether said out loud or kept in our minds. I will be more mindful to always choose the best interpretation I can for people's actions and words rather than judging them. I can never walk in another person's shoes, so I will never know why they choose the actions they do. And if you think that I am not trying, every day, and in every way, to be a better parent, then you aren't reading my blog that closely. It is the air I breathe. As much as I wish I could be a perfect parent, I am a work in progress. But I am trying, with every ounce of my being, to evolve.

I don't know why...

but I am in a slump. Everything seems so hard, and such a fight. Even things that should be easy are getting overwhelming. My partner and I are in one of those yucky spaces where it seems like everything each of us says gets taken the wrong way and we both end up hurt or upset. I feel more and more tired every day and getting up the energy to do even normal stuff seems impossible. It is Sunday and I feel like this. Yes, we had a busy weekend, but when don't we. So I start off the week feeling like all I want to do it crawl in a hole and hide.

I have been reading Alfie Kohn, which is always depressing, but that can't be all of it. You know all those plans I made to deal with Pablo's energy and focus? Well, that all got called off in favor of taking Pablo to the dentist twice last week and then feeding him lots of candy. Not really lots... a piece a day. Woo hoo for Halloween. And throwing a party. And having our pictures made (MANY thanks to our friend the photographer who took the time to chase our family around the most beautiful park I think I have ever seen while trying to talk Pablo into anything resembling cooperation!).

Tomorrow we will get seriously serious. Tomorrow we go to the chiropractor so Pablo can be tested for allergies and we can get cracking on any environmental issues he may have. (Sorry, the chiro joke couldn't be resisted. I know, my humor needs an adjustment. Oops, did it again.... I really could go on, but I don't have the energy.) And we will follow our plan... and hopefully I will get an attitude adjustment. Cause right now I just want to cry. Even my own puns don't make me laugh, and if that doesn't do it, pretty much nothing will.

Breathe. That's all I can do.

On Facebook, someone I knew from high school posted an update complaining about Obama supporters "drinking the Kool-aid" and how being a democrat these days is like being in a cult. Now I have heard this before. Pundits love to compare Obama to Jesus and make jokes about him walking on water etc. But for some reason, I was incenced. Livid. And I immediately fired off my response: "Being a republican is like being a smoker: both are suicidal and selfish enough to want to take everyone else out with them." I didn't hit enter. I tried again. "Only the selfish and the insane can be informed and still be republicans." Again, I paused, not hitting the button. I tried a few more... nothing worked. I wanted to retaliate and do it with style. I wanted to anger those closed minded, self interested, imbeciles.

Then I noticed. I was being one. I was taking on so much anger. As all anger is, it was born of fear. We cannot afford to have another republican in the while house. I am not sure 4 years is enough time to fix any of the issues at hand, even with someone who can "part the waters," as it were. I am sincerely concerned on so many issues we face. We are at a crisis point, especially with global warming and the appointment of supreme court justices, where 4 years could make the difference between life and death, between having rights and the betrayal of the Constiution.

But attacking some acquinance in a public setting wouldn't really help anything. So I deleted all my options and focused on peace. And I hope that the law of attraction is true, so that all my desire and focus on a positive outcome will materialize. No matter how temporarily good it feels to get mad and take the low road, it is that same emotional irresponsibility that got us here in the first place.

And so I breathe. And hope.

I fell.

I don't generally think much about falling since I live with two people who do it 100 times a day. They fall, they cry, or not, as need demands, and they get up and play some more.

Not so in this great big grown up body. Today I fell from our deck, down 2 steps and onto hard ground. And I was holding the baby. You wonder (or at lease I do) what would happen if you fell while holding the baby. Random damaged baby images flash through my head every time I trip on a toy. This was my test. Could I save the baby? I was holding her in my left arm, and I fell toward the left. Recipe for disaster. As if in slow motion, I managed to turn myself 180 degrees to fall onto my right arm. Beebz wasn't the least bit phased, although she did start looking concerned after I lay there for a long time in the same position trying to decide whether to stay silent, cry, or vomit. It really hurt.

Mama is bruised in several places, but unbroken. Tomorrow is going to hurt, no matter how much arnica I put on tonight.... sigh. But I saved the baby. And that's all that matters.

As an aside, have I mentioned that she currently says, "BOP!" as her side of any conversation? It is her stock substitute to pretty much any word she doesn't yet have. And even more adorable than you could imagine.

Watching the Debate

I just want to send out a prayer to the universe that people in America will think through their choices responsibly and not rely on soundbite misinformation. I pray that the bully doesn't look stronger just because he is condescending and rude. I pray that Americans will be smart. Please, please, please can we get this one right?

Obama '08. That's all I'm sayin'.

...and McCain is a wanker. (Did I say that out loud? oops....)

The Red Dress vs my imagination

I went shopping with a dear friend for my fancy dress today. Not only did we have a great time, but we were successful beyond our wildest dreams. I got a sexy red dress for the wedding plus two more outfits.

It is really amazing to me how off I can be about how I look. Yes, I have been wearing schlubby clothes since the baby was born. I can't fit into my rep-baby clothes so I wear a mix of maternity and (now) worn out nursing shirts. Rarely I put on a wrap skirt to "dress up." Generally I feel crappy about how I look and to me that translates as overweight.

Before we went shopping, I thought I should try on something with a waist band to see what size I would need to find. I was 4 sizes off. That is a lot. Four sizes smaller than I thought. I was shocked, not only by my size, but by how off I had estimated. I had been feeling so down about how I look in all these worn out, ill fitting clothes that I had managed to convince myself that I was 4 sizes bigger than I am.

I am only 2 sizes bigger than I was before I got pregnant. That suddenly seems like not too much. I feel more hopeful and motivated to take care of myself physically than I have felt in a long time. How incredible is it that I ignored reality in favor of a belief system that would make me feel worse? The only thing more incredible is how often we all do this, ignoring what IS in favor of what we need it to be, no matter how out of touch we are. What a great reminder. And a great dress.

Now I need MORE clothes so I can be reminded every day just how good I can look. And some shoes. But those are just for the wedding.

(And apparently some Spanks? I am so out of touch that there is a whole new garment industry I know nothing about?? eek.)