We are back to the routine. My partner is thrilled. I am despondent. We went from a place with 5 people happy to play with the kids (I could get breaks! I got to talk to actual grown ups! Not about anything deep, but still, GROWN UPS!!) back down to just me. The loneliness and the lack of direction in our days feel overwhelming. Pair that with Pablo's regression with behavior (we partially treated corn which means he was exposed to it and the reaction has been MAJOR. And awful. And several expletives.), and I wonder why I am doing any of this. Then I remember. I have no other choices, so this is where I am.
What is missing is someone to point us in a direction, to find things to do, to be the cruise director, as it were. Yeah, I am thinking the same thing you are. That would be me. I just can't seem to find my inner Julie McCoy. I want to follow, Pablo can't even seem to find his own feet, and sweet little Beebz has decided NOW is the time to assert her personhood. She MUST go OVER THERE, not in a minute, but RIGHT NOW, and will SHRIEK at the top of her lungs if denied. She is not the Julie McCoy I am looking for.
Fun times.
I know part of it is that I feel depressed to the point of tears when I think about having lost how good things were with him. We went 3 weeks without a single tantrum. Without a single irrational, dig in your heels, ain't gonna drop it EVER, kind of scene. And then it all came crashing back. The tantrums. The loss of focus. The impatience. Just in time for the holidays. Just in time for everyone I know to see... no change at all in his behavior. I cry every time I think about it. I wonder how long until we get back there again? What will we have to endure until then? Will he be able to eat the foods he loves again? And why the hell, in this crazy time, is his doctor in freakin' Patagonia? No kidding. I am too bummed to make stuff like this up. Oh, and the doctor no longer takes our insurance. So instead of paying an arm and a leg we get to pay two arms and legs. Since we have so much extra money laying around. Yippee.
I have to turn this around. I know I do. I just today was giving the speech to someone else about how feelings are energy, and you can take any kind of energy and transform it into something that can be used to change where you are. I know this is true. I just don't have it in me right now to try.
I know. I am a ray of sunshine, aren't I?
Somebody tell me 2009 will be better. Or that I will find peace with where I am.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Back. Yippee.
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I will tell you that 2009 will be better... because I want it to be better for me, too! :)
ReplyDeleteMy struggles echo yours to a surprising degree... depression and aimlessness in regard to my "professsional" life; feeling overwhelmed by two children in day-to-day life; hopeful but hopelessly inept at fulfilling my desires for peaceful parenting.
I want a Julie McCoy!! :)
I want to find peace with where I am.
I'm coming out of it if that's any consolation, but I was right there with you a year and a half ago. It's very hard to be a mindful mama with a kid and a baby and no down time. I know you've said finances are tight... It makes a huge difference because if you can't afford a sitter, you never get a break. My only advice is hang tight. The food issues will work themselves out because you are actively pursuing the solution, and your baby won't always be a baby, which will naturally make things easier.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year. You really are doing great, it's just a huge task.