Thursday, January 1, 2009

Starting over

The new year is a natural time to make changes, to see things anew, to replace stagnation with energy and verve. And I want to. I feel somewhat like this is not an option for me, like there is no space to change, but hey, I am willing to give it a go, just for the sake of laughs. We went to a New Year's party today and a dear friend did a Tarot reading for me. She pegged me on several uncomfortable issues (dammit) all I could do was sit there squirming.

Basically she said that I have been in a rut for a long time and I live in my own head too much and that I have so many choices before me that I can't seem to pick one. Hell, I can't even SEE them anymore! But I must. Pick (at least) one and take action. Doing is, of course, the remedy for thinking too much. It was really amazing. I couldn't even think of possible actions. So then my dear friend gave me homework. At a party. I am supposed to list all the areas I am willing to change and what that change could look like. eep. Can't I just do her laundry for her instead? AND SHE WILL BE CALLING ME to talk more about it. In 2 days. Did I say eep? I meant EEP!!

So here is my attempt. eep.

1. Physical well being: I can eat healthier and exercise more. This includes not only going to the gym, but taking walks in my neighborhood and going on hikes, etc. Getting out there. Any step is a step in the right direction.

2. I can take some action (not sure what) in looking for a job. I have been searching off and on, but mostly feeling hopeless about it. I could decide that I WILL BE MAKING X AMOUNT OF MONEY A MONTH BY FEBRUARY. There. Still not sure how, but that part could take care of itself, right? Right?

3. I can choose to let go of emotional baggage. Actively. From the apparently ex-friend (her choice, not mine) who thinks my son and I are horrid people to judgments I have about myself, the universe, and my place in it... I can let it all go. Actively. Forgiveness meditations. Journaling. Trusting that things don't have to be the way they are. Actively being positive. With determination. gulp.

4. I can work to deepen my relationship. I can expect more of myself and my partner, work to see her anew (despite the doldrums that come from having small children), and fight the strong inclination to fall into bed at the end of the day for the express purpose of sleeping. hmmm.

5. I can set at least one daily goal. Whether it is playing with the kids or cleaning house, feeling like I am ACCOMPLISHING something I set out to do will make a huge difference in my attitude. ooh, I like that one!

I will keep thinking. In action steps. This whole doing rather than thinking thing feels very foreign to me at this stage of life, where so much seems like it is out of my control. But I can work, in small ways, to make changes.

Happy New Year. What are you changing?

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