Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Cause who doesn't need a crochet childbirth doll?

My friend sent me this. I have to make one now. Seriously. Could this get any better? Check out the details! Placenta! Umbilical cord that detaches from the belly BUTTON! Seriously, people, this is fantastic in ways I will never find words to describe. But who needs words? I have pictures.

In the interest of full disclosure, I stole this from this blog. Gonna have to follow it.

Thank you, Cozy Coleman, for your amazing creativity!!!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

New House Rule: You Can Only Be Your Own Muppaphone

Can you guess why we had to implement this rule? Yeah, you got it.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Martial Artist!

Pablo attended his first martial arts class today. The sensei said he did very well. To me it looked a lot like he created a ton of chaos, but what do I know? I am just a neurotic mama. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this dojo, and the philosophy behind it. The sensei talked about how we are all a team and need to practice working together and if we try to do our own thing at the wrong time, it creates problems for everyone. He created fun ways to show this to the class. He worked on focus, body awareness, and many other things that I would swear were tailor made for Pablo except that the philosophy is on the website, so they thought of this before they met the whirlwind I call my son.

This is one of those "the universe makes it all happen the way it should" things. My mother's helper quit with very little notice. We had allotted money into a flex fund to pay for it, and what we don't spend, we lose. So we have money to spend on Pablo. This class fits the bill. We are thinking of also sending him to a half day summer camp. This is going to be so good for him. He has never done any organized (read as you have to sit and listen and do what is asked of you) group activity before. I can see it is a new concept for him, but one that he needs to learn. It won't give me more time, but I can live with that. With Beebz the age she is, I can't really have the same kind of down time that I could when she was a real baby.

We are going to try out another class on Tuesday, and decide which level Pablo should attend. I am so excited. The class looks so awesome, I want to do it too!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

ups and downs

You know how there are people in your life you talk to every day and there is always so much to say, so much to talk about. Then there are people you love and cherish but you talk to them too rarely. When you talk to them there is a distance created by the time interval, a space, that makes talking feel forced. You keep remembering stories but there is too much to say so you pare them down to something so superficial all the really interesting bits are lost. What had been a huge journey gets edited down to 3 sentences. The parts that would have connected you are lost. The 3 sentences just show how distant you have become. At least it is that way for me.

I feel like the blog is this way these days. If I would put in some time, I would feel connected. But I don't. Part is because the kids need a ton of attention these days (hang on, one is yelling for me right now... OK. I am back.), part is because I have things I am scared to say. After having been attacked by a complete bitch (her words, not mine) and not really defended by those who I thought would have, I feel scared to say things that are too close to my heart. And there are topics that I don't want to discuss because I am scared it would upset the people involved.

Do I talk about how I feel like I have lost my best friend? Not as a friend, of course, but as a best friend. We don't talk every day anymore. And I miss her.

Do I dare mention that Pablo has been snubbed by a friend for what was the first but will certainly not be the last time? I understand, and I completely agree with the parents' decision to let their child make the call, but there is great sadness in feeling like my child will be like I was as a child, mostly friendless and misunderstood. He is a weird kid, and hard to connect with at times. He hasn't found his niche. If there is one for him.

Do I talk about my fucked up hormones and how sometimes I feel so angry I can't even see straight? How sadness comes in and takes over and steals all thoughts of happiness from me? How the thought of having a period again pisses me off, since I know I won't get to have any more children?

On that note, do I talk about not getting to have more children and how I feel like that is fundamentally a failure on my part? If I were a better person/partner/parent/provider, my partner would be open to having more?

Do I talk about Pablo's erratic behavior, sometimes awesome, and sometimes horrible? How I sometimes hate even being around him? How guilty and horrible I feel for feeling this way? How it gets so easy to fall into Beebz being "the good one" and Pablo being "the bad one" even though I know a huge reason for that is that Beebz just happens to be my favorite age? She is so easy and fun and Pablo is so... not. Sometimes. We have "graduated" from NAET but some days I don't know if it did any good. (Rationally, yes, we have seen great improvements in a number of areas. But some days it doesn't FEEL like it.) If there is a worst, most heartless mother award, I am a shoo-in. No wonder I don't get to have more kids.

Do I talk about my birthday, and how much I hate my birthdays since it always makes me feel so shitty and insignificant? Yes, my existential crisis is still in full swing.

This weekend I went to an awesome conference. I do this one every year, and every year I love it. It is very healing and peaceful. While I was there I felt so energized. So excited. So connected to myself and the universe.

Then I came home to a crying baby and a seriously off kilter boy. Any time I get for myself is always so diluted by the pain I cause by being away.

PS Now I have reread this a million times and sit here, undecided, on whether to push that button that will send it all into the world. I'm gonna do it. It is a step, right? Letting stuff go? My breathwork was all about letting things go. I thought I let so much go this weekend, but since it is now crumbling in all around me, I guess maybe I didn't. Maybe the point was to show me how to let go, day by day, rather than it being in itself some great cathartic moment.

PSS Yes, this is a seriously shitty day. Probably nothing is as dire as it all seems. But right now I can't remember if there are better days. Are there?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Google is sentient. and Buddhist.

I have all my favorite blogs on Google reader. It works well for me since I usually get a maximum of 2 minutes at the computer before someone comes up and needs my attention. I check in a few times a day and try to read all my favorites.

Yesterday, this one came up at Mama-Om. BTW, love her. The Mindfulness Bell reminded me of a great centering technique. She has taken ringing a bell and expanded it to a whole family interaction, with everyone helping each other stay balanced and connected. So beautiful.

I was so excited because the last few days have been pretty awful. My hormones are trying to kill me. Or maybe just restart my periods. One of those. And I have pretty much been insane. So getting what amounts to an instruction manual for sanity was like a gift from the gods.

I closed it and sat thinking about exactly how to implement this in my own home. I don't have a beautiful bell, just a high pitched chime. Hmmm. So I sat thinking, and I thought, "I should send this to my partner! She will be so jazzed! She will have some ideas on what we could use to be mindful!" I opened Google reader to send her a link, and couldn't find the post ANYWHERE. I was so confused? Where had it gone?

Then I noticed that I still had a direct link to the site open because I had posted a comment. I backed up a few pages to the original post and realised why it wasn't at the top of my reader. Check out the date. November 25, 2008. Which means Google KNEW I needed to read this and made it pop up even though it was more than 2 months old. Crazy, huh?

(What really gets me is that I haven't blogged since the hormonal crazies started, so how did Google know?)

Saturday, February 7, 2009

It's a GIRL!

Holy crap. At 13 months old, she asks to have her hair done, wants to change her shoes 20 times a day, picks her clothes, acts like a mama with her dolls, and various and sundry other girly-girl things. It is so adorable I melt just looking at her.

And I can't help but think of her brother, who generally doesn't even notice whether he is WEARING clothes. Where does she get this? I mean, yes, I tend to change clothes a couple of times before leaving the house, and I do my hair, but doesn't everyone?

I have been blogging very little these days because I have been really connecting with the kids. I am so grateful and excited to get to be home with them every day. They both want all of my attention these days, and I am happy to give it. Which means I don't have time to type much. Speaking of... gotta go!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Tuned in...

It is almost comical. At night, I read my parenting book of the week and think deep thoughts about how to apply the suggestions to my life. Thinking about being more mindful, more aware, more in tune, I fall asleep.

Then the kids keep me up half the night, I get through the day as best I can, and then it is bed time. Pablo goes to bed, and I breathe for the first time all day. After a while, I start thinking about the book. What was I going to focus on again? Oh yeah. Mindfulness. Being more tuned in. Oh. Oops.