Tuesday, February 17, 2009

ups and downs

You know how there are people in your life you talk to every day and there is always so much to say, so much to talk about. Then there are people you love and cherish but you talk to them too rarely. When you talk to them there is a distance created by the time interval, a space, that makes talking feel forced. You keep remembering stories but there is too much to say so you pare them down to something so superficial all the really interesting bits are lost. What had been a huge journey gets edited down to 3 sentences. The parts that would have connected you are lost. The 3 sentences just show how distant you have become. At least it is that way for me.

I feel like the blog is this way these days. If I would put in some time, I would feel connected. But I don't. Part is because the kids need a ton of attention these days (hang on, one is yelling for me right now... OK. I am back.), part is because I have things I am scared to say. After having been attacked by a complete bitch (her words, not mine) and not really defended by those who I thought would have, I feel scared to say things that are too close to my heart. And there are topics that I don't want to discuss because I am scared it would upset the people involved.

Do I talk about how I feel like I have lost my best friend? Not as a friend, of course, but as a best friend. We don't talk every day anymore. And I miss her.

Do I dare mention that Pablo has been snubbed by a friend for what was the first but will certainly not be the last time? I understand, and I completely agree with the parents' decision to let their child make the call, but there is great sadness in feeling like my child will be like I was as a child, mostly friendless and misunderstood. He is a weird kid, and hard to connect with at times. He hasn't found his niche. If there is one for him.

Do I talk about my fucked up hormones and how sometimes I feel so angry I can't even see straight? How sadness comes in and takes over and steals all thoughts of happiness from me? How the thought of having a period again pisses me off, since I know I won't get to have any more children?

On that note, do I talk about not getting to have more children and how I feel like that is fundamentally a failure on my part? If I were a better person/partner/parent/provider, my partner would be open to having more?

Do I talk about Pablo's erratic behavior, sometimes awesome, and sometimes horrible? How I sometimes hate even being around him? How guilty and horrible I feel for feeling this way? How it gets so easy to fall into Beebz being "the good one" and Pablo being "the bad one" even though I know a huge reason for that is that Beebz just happens to be my favorite age? She is so easy and fun and Pablo is so... not. Sometimes. We have "graduated" from NAET but some days I don't know if it did any good. (Rationally, yes, we have seen great improvements in a number of areas. But some days it doesn't FEEL like it.) If there is a worst, most heartless mother award, I am a shoo-in. No wonder I don't get to have more kids.

Do I talk about my birthday, and how much I hate my birthdays since it always makes me feel so shitty and insignificant? Yes, my existential crisis is still in full swing.

This weekend I went to an awesome conference. I do this one every year, and every year I love it. It is very healing and peaceful. While I was there I felt so energized. So excited. So connected to myself and the universe.

Then I came home to a crying baby and a seriously off kilter boy. Any time I get for myself is always so diluted by the pain I cause by being away.

PS Now I have reread this a million times and sit here, undecided, on whether to push that button that will send it all into the world. I'm gonna do it. It is a step, right? Letting stuff go? My breathwork was all about letting things go. I thought I let so much go this weekend, but since it is now crumbling in all around me, I guess maybe I didn't. Maybe the point was to show me how to let go, day by day, rather than it being in itself some great cathartic moment.

PSS Yes, this is a seriously shitty day. Probably nothing is as dire as it all seems. But right now I can't remember if there are better days. Are there?


  1. I so relate to this post -- the frustration and anguish and this sentence especially -- "Any time I get for myself is always so diluted by the pain I cause by being away."

    Lately I have been feeling crushed by responsibility myself between my kids, my home, and my work. I am trying to figure out to make enough space in my life pie for me and what I want, as I constantly push myself down to the bottom of the list to take care of other things.

    Good for you for posting this. For letting things go and for allowing your truth to be there. How you feel matters. Big hugs to you.

  2. I have missed your blog posts. I love you, my friend!

  3. You've summed it all up.
    Thank you for posting this... it really does say what so many of us are feeling and either don't have the words to say, or can't find the place to say it.