Sunday, August 23, 2009

it is one of those days.

I want to run away from home. The boy is HARD. He is so freaking hard sometimes that I think I can't stand it anymore. He talks CONSTANTLY. He NEEDS constantly. And then I blame myself because if I were more patient, loving,peaceful, etc (ie not such a crappy mom) then he would be easy. Or maybe he wouldn't be easy but I wouldn't care because I would be all Zen about him being here to teach me a lesson and that this is my chance to freakin" EVOLVE. Stupid evolving. Who needs it?!

The baby is hard because she doesn't EVER sleep and she is a twiddler of the worst freaking kind and it drives me up the wall and I want to scream but that wouldn't help. It would just scare her and make her cry and then need to nurse to calm down and...twiddle.

My partner is hard because sometimes it seems like everything I say and do is wrong and I hate it and I wonder if anything will ever be OK again in the whole universe.

I just want to cry (again) and I want to run and hide in a hole somewhere and just not have to see anyone for a while but that's not possible cause I am the MOM and we don't get breaks. And yes, I see that saying all this is ridiculous because just today I got a 2 hour massage and new shoes and I got a break for a while. But it wasn't enough. Nothing feels like it will ever be enough because it is all so overwhelmingly HARD.

And my period is due tomorrow.

But I am sure that is completely unrelated to all this.....


  1. My dear, it will get better.
    Beebs will get older and you will get more sleep and it will feel like a really strange dream, but one that you woke up from and discovered you still have two happy children so it's all o.k.
    I'm not saying it will get easier like the way it was before you had kids, but it will get easier than the way it is when you have a big kid and a baby, and you're SO TIRED and hormonal and you must be a horrible mother because what else would explain it?!!!
    How do I know?
    I've been there.
    For now? Just sleep as much as you can (ha-ha)
    And be patient with yourself. If you can't change anything other than the way you percieve yourself, (as in going on a weekend retreat) then remind yourself you are truly doing the best you can in the circumstance you're in.
    I genuinely mean this. I was SO hard on myself when Z was that age, and looking back the only thing I regret was not being gentler on myself.
    It is temporary. It IS hard. It will change.

  2. It's nice not to be the only one who feels this way sometimes...