Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Standing by: meditation for mama

Pablo is on a kick, and its a fun one. He ignores me to the point of tears. Mine. Even when he asks me to do something like build a "contraction" together with our Marbulous (its the coolest toy EVER!) he will issue orders and then ignore me when I ask for help or clarification. Never mind when I START the "conversation," as it were. If you can call a conversation something that looks suspiciously like me repeating myself louder and louder till I lose it entirely. Yeah, its fun, fun, fun.

Yesterday I totally lost it and started telling him earnestly (and loudly) how frustrating it is when he ignores me, how I feel so angry and I don't like feeling angry, etc. and HE KISSED ME. He walked up, took my face in his hands, and kissed me right on the lips. He then smiled in that charming way only a kid knowing he is really pushing it can, and skipped off. Make love, not war, mama.

Today I took a different angle. When he started ignoring me, I went on stand by. Instead of sitting there fuming while he goofed off a few minutes after corralling me into playing mystery word (isn't that nicer than hangman? same game though.), I sat. I just sat and meditated. I didn't have an agenda or thoughts about getting frustrated. I just sat, noticed my breath, and redirected my attention when I found my mind wandering. It was awesome.

I remember reading in my favorite book, Buddhism for Mothers: A Calm Approach to Caring for Yourself and Your Children about meditating by taking 10 breaths mindfully when you couldn't fit a sitting meditation into your day, and it seemed like just not enough. But today I really did it. I took the time and it actually worked. I feel calmer and happier and more playful.

Honestly, nothing changed but my attitude. I have always gotten so irritated by Pablo's expectation for me to stand by while he ignored me. I never saw it as a chance for me to take a break for myself. I have a new willingness to go with, rather than against, the flow that Pablo creates with his energetic tides. Looks like I really have a lot of time to meditate. I can just replace all the time spent repeating myself. And repeating myself. And repeating myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment