Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Focusing on Impermanence

I keep going through these really hard times where I am convinced I will end my days by myself, all alone, in the dark. I think I am reacting to the intensity of my isolation as a stay at home mom of a pretty darned introverted kid (and a baby) by thinking this will be what my life is FOREVER. Like the current (and typical) disconnection my partner and I feel these days is how our relationship will continue FOREVER. Like I will end up feeling as lonely as I feel now FOREVER.

A few days ago I decided that since I really can't know how any aspect of my life will evolve, I would choose one thing: I am moving to the beach when I "retire" (define that as loosely as you wish since I am currently a stay at home mom). I thought about how the ocean will always be there and I started to sob. I couldn't stop crying. The thought that something peaceful WOULD be in my life in the future was so overpowering.

The strange thing is, when I am in touch with myself in the present, I am not generally that lonely or sad. I genuinely enjoy being home with my kids. I can't say how much I love being with them, seeing the new things they do, knowing that they know they can count on me. When I disconnect from the moment, I get sad, I get depressed, I start feeling lonely. And then I apply that to the future. And then I get more sad, more depressed, more lonely. Repeat.

I get so locked into my current feeling (if bad) representing how I will ALWAYS feel. Good feelings seem fleeting because I stay present to enjoy them instead of stepping back to dissect every nuance, every possible reason for the feeling. It's ironic that I spend so much of my internal time on this considering how much I believe in change being the one core truth to life.

So today I am choosing to focus on the transience of life, the amazing way today is always slipping through our fingers, completely immune to our attachment to it. Today I am feeling peaceful.

No comments:

Post a Comment