Tuesday, July 22, 2008


I found my favorite definition of forgiveness today while cleaning out my bag. I had written it on a scrap of paper. I don't even remember who said it.

Forgiveness is giving up on being able to change the past.

It was a really nice reminder. There are many areas where I have such a hard time accepting the past. There are things that happened to me that I grieve so sincerely. I grieve the loss of friends, I grieve the lack of family support that I never dreamed I would have to live without, I grieve the loss of feeling like my passion and creativity are being nurtured. There are things I would do differently if I could go back. I would stand up for myself more. I would be braver. There are things I would never change, like staying home with my kids even though it has pretty much ended my career (or maybe just feels like it).

Letting go of changing the past... the best way I can do it is to focus on the present, to make sure I don't replicate those things that caused harm. I can't change the past, but I can change the present. It takes a certain level of mindfulness. It takes some proactivity (or maybe just spontaneity) that I don't have right now. Especially not after 3 weeks of being sick/having allergies/having sick kids who don't sleep/etc.

For tonight, I just want to sleep. I will let forgiveness drift through my dreams.

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