Sunday, July 13, 2008

Me time

I just want a little part of my day for me. I just want to get some down time. In fantasy land, after bed time is my time. Pablo is in bed, Beebz goes to sleep, and I get some time to play on the computer, watch TV, craft, be with my partner, etc. Usually the baby is asleep on me, so I don't generally get my body to myself, but I can at least rest my brain.


Beebz is going through separation anxiety early and hard. If I walk more than 5 feet away she cries 80% of the time. If someone she doesn't know on a daily basis talks to her while I hold her, she cries 50% of the time. She is a human sucker-fish. And I am tired.


The last few nights Pablo is back to pushing bedtime. He doesn't seem to be having nightmares, but darned if I can figure out what is going on. He has also been more clingy and pretending to cry and whine like a baby. During the day I give him what he needs as best I can. I have some reserves and I have compassion and understanding. Nighttime is a different story. At night when he is needing more, I am tapped out and all I want to do is push him away. I get so mad at him for "stealing" my down time. I hate feeling so angry with him but I feel like I am drowning, thrashing around and unable to catch a single breath. I hate losing my patience when he clearly needs something from me. And I hate losing my time for me.

Tonight the baby wouldn't sleep, the boy wouldn't sleep, and I am jumping out of my skin with such a longing to just get to have some rest. I almost never get time for me. It is always about everyone else's needs first. I don't dream that big. A nap, maybe, or a haircut. I ask pretty much every weekend but the weekend gets filled up. Or the baby doesn't nap when I could nap with her. Or something goes wrong. And now it's Sunday, so it's a whole week before I even have a chance at me-time. I feel overwhelmed with the coming week, overwhelmed with the lack of support our family gets, overwhelmed with needing to find a job, overwhelmed by these stupid allergies, overwhelmed by my body's responses to feeling overwhelmed.

I am so tired. I wish I could even remember what well rested feels like. What it's like to have energy. What it's like to get to focus on one thing at a time. What it's like to talk to a friend without monitoring a child. What it's like to feel balanced.

I hope I remember in the morning.

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