Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Dragging myself back to mindfulness...

I have been in a funk. I am tired, Pablo is sick, I don't have a job, we have a huge party this weekend AT OUR FILTHY HOUSE and and and.... While all those things are true, I think I need to snap out of focusing on the hard stuff and get back to some mindfulness. I don't give myself enough compassion so I am trying really hard not to just yell "SNAP OUT OF IT" at myself in the mirror. That would not only be unkind to myself, it would very likely scare the bejesus out of the baby.

SO... here I go... being kind...ready?... I am aware of the myriad of stressful things in my life and I can understand why I feel so run down. I can accept this feeling and be loving to myself while still feeling terrible. I can EXPERIENCE the terribleness rather than trying to escape it. I can breathe through it. I can walk, one step at a time, in loving-kindness, aware that each moment is a new space that has never existed before.

I almost believe all that. It is so tempting to go eat a snack and watch the Olympics instead. Or turn on a movie for Pablo and sneak off to take a nap while the baby is still asleep.

NO NO NO. Mindfulness. Loving kindness. No escape....

I think I just ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP AT THE COMPUTER WHILE WRITING THIS. Oh gods... That can't be good. OK, standing up now. I will go work on MINDFULLY cleaning my house for the party this weekend.

And try not to lean on any walls for a snooze.

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