Saturday, August 2, 2008

It was all going to go so well...

We were going to have our first big "date" since the baby came (ie without Pablo). We were going to go to the outdoor summer musical of Beauty and the Beast. Total candy as far as musical theater goes, but I will take anything I can get. We were going to eat brie and grapes and french bread while sitting on a blanket. We were going to have fun.

Instead Pablo woke up at 3:30 last night with a nightmare and never went back to sleep. Which meant that we didn't either. This on the heels of 4 nights of the baby not sleeping well. I knew that Pablo would be seriously grumpy and that I would be exhausted and it would be futile to try to go knowing everything could likely disintegrate.

So we didn't go.

I was a sleep deprived brat for most of the day. And that's putting it nicely. It's just that this was a big deal to me. I was going to go on a date with my honey. We had CHILDCARE which is rare (The kids' godparents freakin' rock, but they are literally our only source of childcare, so we try to use them sparingly.).

The evening turned out fine. We hung out with the godparents and another friend and had fun. We didn't leave the house. Beebz was an uber grump so the musical probably would have been ruined for me anyway. But I still feel like a bratty kid whining about not getting what I want. Ironic, since I don't think of actual kids as being brats. But then I am kinder to kids than to myself.

Is it so wrong for me to want time away? I feel horrible for wanting grown up time (in my book only having the baby with me counts as grown up time....) but I NEED it sometimes. I cannot say how much I need to just get to have some fun without looking over my shoulder to check on the boy. The more tired I am the more I need it. And right now I am exhausted.

So no musical fun for me. Wanting a break makes me feel like I am running from my life. Maybe the concept that I need a break is an illusion that serves to keep me separate from the present moment. Maybe I would be energized by just being in the now at every point. I should try it, because wanting a break that will NEVER come is just depressing.

2 comments:

  1. jennifer@reynoldsink.comAugust 6, 2008 at 9:20 AM

    I can so relate to how you're feeling. When I had 3 boys under the age of 5, old folks used to grab my wrist and say "It all goes so fast, ENJOY EVERY MINUTE." I couldn't begin to enjoy every minute. The needs of the children were incessant. I had to be constantly vigilant, often without sleep or showers. My mother was 1000 miles away. Everyone just wishes they had loved every minute of having little ones but the truth is, that's freaking impossible - a lot of times it's just boring/repetitive/mindless. There are brilliant moments of course, but they are hardly constant. All I can tell you is that after the kids are all a bit older, it's so so so much easier. When they sleep thru the night, don't need carseats, can dress themselves, can get their own snacks. You will eventually have lots of time with your husband again. Just keep clinging to that promise.

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  2. jennifer@reynoldsink.comAugust 6, 2008 at 9:21 AM

    Oops, just edit out my use of the word HUSBAND. Sorry for assuming!!!

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