Sunday, September 21, 2008

Enlightenment is not nearly as flashy as a good tantrum.

I am trying. I really am. Hard times come, and I try my best not to go down that path in my head where everything is terrible and always has been and nothing will ever be good. I try. Really. And these days when I find myself walking that path, I see that I am doing it, which is honestly a VAST improvement on say, my 20s. But I still do it. To some degree. I still find myself thinking horrible thoughts that seem so real but that happen to be in direct opposition to anything, say... reality based.

Today we had a short rough patch. And I muttered. I was vacuuming, which lends itself to muttering unless you live with someone who reads lips, so I muttered. I thought horrible hopeless thoughts and angry vindictive thoughts. And I muttered about them.

It was all very satisfying except for the fact that I saw myself doing it and saw it for what it was (ie my brain's attempt to a) distract me from my true feelings in favor of bigger, yuckier ones, b) make me think the sky is falling and c) separate myself from those I love for my own (perceived) emotional protection.). I will tell you, muttering is not nearly as satisfying when you are aware that the muttering is (probably) a lie created to (not really) save you from people who you love and who love you and who are making you nuts. I could only keep it up with sheer force of will.

I lost it completely when it occurred to me that my upset had nothing to do with anyone else... it was my reaction to their actions that created my upset.... See how muttering was much more satisfying when I was less self aware?

We happened to get though our rough patch relatively quickly and easily. I am sure it had nothing to do with growing and evolving as people. Just a coincidence, I am sure.

1 comment:

  1. Just noticing is the best we can do. It makes all the difference.