Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Trying to think big

My existential crisis is in, well, crisis. I keep telling myself that being fundamentally alone in the universe has to be a good thing because ultimately, it IS up to me to have a satisfying life. To achieve the things I want to achieve. To be the person I want to be.

Today that speech isn't working.

It is a sad and well known fact that none of the people that matter the most to me approve of me as I am. My family disapproves of my career, my lesbianism, my choices in life. My partner disapproves of my temper, my frustration, my difficulty with staying calm in hard times. And so much more.

I feel so deeply sad that this turn on the wheel seems to be about me never being enough, never giving enough, never achieving enough. All I know is that me just being me is not enough. Not to the people who matter the most to me.

I wonder what it would be like to be valued as the person I am by these people without the expectation of change or without the bitter taste of lowered expectations. I wonder what it would be like to really be unconditionally loved.

Then I think about how hard it is for me to give this same unconditional love to others. I do want other people to be different. Even if it is just to give me this kind of love.

I know that letting go of this attachment to people (including me) being different is the first step to letting go of all of this sadness. That accepting the WHAT IS comes with such peace. I have been able to do that. I have felt that sense of peace.

But today that speech isn't working.

I know my head tells me many lies. The head's job is to come up with best and worst case scenarios. It is the dreamer that also creates nightmares. I am listening to my head today as if it is real. As if everything it says is true.

So I will try to get into my heart space, my soul space, and feel my connection to the universe. To see past the false limits of physical reality to the universal truths that unite everything in spirit. I will try.

I hope this speech works.

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