Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Losing my best friend

My best mom friend is moving away. To the armpit of Texas. When she told me I kept it together long enough to sound pseudo-supportive and when I hung up the phone I sobbed. For hours. I couldn't get myself together. It was on a weekend and we had to go out and about. I would be driving the car and start crying again. I kept asking my partner, "What will I do without her?" She had no answer for me.

My friend swears we will still talk all the time and see each other nearly as much since we currently live on opposite sides of town. The negative side of me thinks that is what people say but they drift apart anyway. That part was in total control for a few days. The hopeful part of me (now generally in charge) thinks we will stay close, but daring to hope it is like touching a bubble... if you get too close, POP. So I try not to think about it too much at all.

The thing is, I have been having this existential crisis for a few years now. About 6 years ago something happened to me that really shook my faith in humanity, the universe, and everything in it. I have tried to have faith anyway, I have tried to move on, but now my vision is geared to focus on anything that happens that proves that I am meant to be in this world fundamentally alone, and counting on people only leads to disappointment.

I have to say, as much as I love being a stay at home mom, it hasn't helped me in any of this. There is NOTHING lonelier. I had the typical loss of friends without children, the loss of my career, and the loss of other people being able to understand what it is I do all day. My partner, as much as she tries, just cannot understand my experience. She sees through the lens of a working parent.

The ONE person I can call when I am losing it who will really understand is now going to be a few hundred miles away. I know that we typically only talk on the phone, but still, that distance makes me feel so very lonely. Like the universe has done it again, reminding me that at a fundamental level, I will always be alone.

I know it will be such a good thing for her and her family. I am genuinely happy and thrilled for her. She is going into a situation where she will be close to family, her husband will be home more, and she will have even more support than she had here. I can't help but contrast it with my situation. My family never visits. When they do, they certainly don't help out. While I know many people I would like to spend more time with and get to know better, the combination of schedules, all the kids involved, and I guess inertia makes it a hard thing to base my hopes on.

I was reading a beautiful blog about how everything that really matters comes from within and finding that strength to do what is right for you is a growth process. Let me find the strength to see this as an opportunity to branch out rather than more evidence that the universe wants me to be alone. Let something good come from this.


  1. I’m sorry your friend is moving away, and I understand your feelings. My only sister has been traveling in an RV with her husband since they retired a few years ago … and sometimes it’s hard having her so far away (they’re currently in Maine and I’m in California), but we do connect by cell phone (we’re most grateful for free cell to cell minutes) several times a week and those connections help us stay close. Sometimes we talk for an hour or two … as she’s walking a mall or they’re driving down the highway. It’s not the same … but it helps. Our parents and an older brother have been deceased for a long time and we've always been close. I wish she was here and look forward to the days when she's 'wandered' enough and comes back, but for now this works for us.
    Hugs and blessings,

  2. I agree on the armpit, because I lived there for two decades. I agree on the lonely. I agree on the opportunity. I agree on the process. I agree it's no fun. In all these ways, you're not alone.

  3. Going through the same thing. It sucks. Are you near South Austin? Come hang out!