Sunday, September 28, 2008

Wanting what isn't.

We are back from a visit to my parent's house. We had a great time. The weekend was awesome. Yet I feel the same let down I always do. Despite the fact that being there is stressful (when is being away from home not stressful?), it is always so wonderful to get to spend time with my mom.

I have this feeling lately that there is only so much time left (for everything... my kids to be young, me to be "young", to get to be with people I love, all of it) and I feel so heartbroken that my relationship with my mom isn't what I would like it to be. She loves me dearly. I know that. But she doesn't call, she doesn't visit, she doesn't really make an effort to have a deep relationship with me.

I know she has reasons. One, she is busier than anyone has a right to be. Two, she has some misguided belief that she shouldn't interfere with her children's lives. Even calling may be too intrusive. I don't get it, and I have begged her over and over to work with me toward a more reciprocal relationship. She just doesn't meet me halfway.

Understand, when we are there, it is like I have never been away. We laugh, we talk, we hug, and she interacts with the kids like any grandchild obsessed grandma would. She is wonderful and fabulous. But when we leave, we are back to the dynamic that any connection there is to make is my responsibility alone.

In my head, I know that her path is her path, and she has reasons for her disconnection. But in my heart, I wonder if it is somehow my failure as a person that she doesn't choose a deeper relationship with me. That thought, no matter how quickly I dismiss it, hurts me more than I can say.

I cherish my time with her. And I want more. How do I let this desire go and accept what is? How do I use this to be a better parent to my own children?

Today I have no answers. Today I just grieve.

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