Back. Yippee.

We are back to the routine. My partner is thrilled. I am despondent. We went from a place with 5 people happy to play with the kids (I could get breaks! I got to talk to actual grown ups! Not about anything deep, but still, GROWN UPS!!) back down to just me. The loneliness and the lack of direction in our days feel overwhelming. Pair that with Pablo's regression with behavior (we partially treated corn which means he was exposed to it and the reaction has been MAJOR. And awful. And several expletives.), and I wonder why I am doing any of this. Then I remember. I have no other choices, so this is where I am.

What is missing is someone to point us in a direction, to find things to do, to be the cruise director, as it were. Yeah, I am thinking the same thing you are. That would be me. I just can't seem to find my inner Julie McCoy. I want to follow, Pablo can't even seem to find his own feet, and sweet little Beebz has decided NOW is the time to assert her personhood. She MUST go OVER THERE, not in a minute, but RIGHT NOW, and will SHRIEK at the top of her lungs if denied. She is not the Julie McCoy I am looking for.

Fun times.

I know part of it is that I feel depressed to the point of tears when I think about having lost how good things were with him. We went 3 weeks without a single tantrum. Without a single irrational, dig in your heels, ain't gonna drop it EVER, kind of scene. And then it all came crashing back. The tantrums. The loss of focus. The impatience. Just in time for the holidays. Just in time for everyone I know to see... no change at all in his behavior. I cry every time I think about it. I wonder how long until we get back there again? What will we have to endure until then? Will he be able to eat the foods he loves again? And why the hell, in this crazy time, is his doctor in freakin' Patagonia? No kidding. I am too bummed to make stuff like this up. Oh, and the doctor no longer takes our insurance. So instead of paying an arm and a leg we get to pay two arms and legs. Since we have so much extra money laying around. Yippee.

I have to turn this around. I know I do. I just today was giving the speech to someone else about how feelings are energy, and you can take any kind of energy and transform it into something that can be used to change where you are. I know this is true. I just don't have it in me right now to try.

I know. I am a ray of sunshine, aren't I?

Somebody tell me 2009 will be better. Or that I will find peace with where I am.

I'm back!

We went to my family's for a week. We usually have internet access there. This time it was hit or miss, if you had the patience to restart the computer a lot. My partner had the patience (and it afforded her the chance to escape the in-laws... not that she doesn't like them, but everyone needs a break!). I did not.

We had a great trip and had a ton of fun. Then we came home and cleaned house and had Beebz's first birthday party. I can't believe me baby is a whole year old. It is overwhelming to me. I think I am still just a bit in denial. I am still trying to catch up from the tornado of the holidays, but I am really missing blogging (and the mind space it brings!) so I hope to get back into a normal rhythm again soon.

Merry Christmas!

In an inexplicable fit of perversity, I have been unable to use the computer while we have been out of town. Either my partner was using it, or the internet refused to work for me. But, LO, a christmas miracle has occurred and the blasted thing is working so I can take 2 seconds to wish all of you a very merry christmas. cheers!!

Childish Games

Beebz says "puppy" as a fill-in word for many, many things. She will almost always repeat it if you say "puppy" to her. She also knows that saying it generally gets a laugh. Today, my partner decided to make a fun new game, which we will now call "The Baby Quiz." It goes like this.

Step 1: get baby's attention.
Step 2: ask baby a ridiculous question like, "Who smells better, mama or the puppy?!" or "Who do you love more, mama or a puppy?!" in an excited voice.
Step 3: laugh uproariously when baby says "Puppy!"

OK, OK, it was pretty funny.

But I promise I smell better.

The child whisperer

I have been watching The Dog Whisperer for months and months, thrilled every time with how this man can calm seriously screwed up dogs and get them turned in the right direction. He doesn't use gimmicks, tricks, bribes, stock phrases, or anything else. He uses his energy. He stays calm at all times, even when the dog is snarling and biting him. He understands that the dog is acting out of an incorrect belief. He doesn't take any the dog's antics personally. He stays firm, loving, and centered at all times. He pushes his calm, assertive energy outward to let the dog know what he wants. This guy can take a serious problem and have it solved in 20 minutes.

And it has slowly wormed its way into my brain that some of this energetic magic can apply to raising kids. Now, I generally hate the crap of comparing having pets to having kids. I did it myself until I had a child of my own and now I know just how different the two are. They really aren't in the same ball park. Not even the same planet. I am totally clear on that.

But the fact is, the shared energy between parent and child plays a greater role than I tend to consider in the moment. You can't yell at your kids to be quiet and teach them anything other than the loudest one wins. You can't be energetically freaking out and expect the kids to be calm. Honestly, you can't have any strong emotion and not expect them to pick up on it. And when they do, they will react in one of a few ways. They will retreat, panic, or act out. And then, if you don't factor in your own part of the equation, it looks like your child has "problems."

I know, I know, this looks like more of that "parents should do good self care, remember that in an airplane you put the mask on yourself first" kind of crap. But wait. This has an immediate application to kid care. If you actually calm yourself down first, the kids will chill sooner. So, for example, when I am getting more and more panicked about leaving the house on time for an appointment, I could choose to get REALLY REALLY calm and focused. To take my nervous energy and transform it into INTENTION. To make every part of me-- my tone, my body language, my words-- completely and calmly focused on what I need from my kids.

I am sure I have read something like this in countless parenting books, but never in the Cesar Milan kind of way. Never in a YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING TO THE PROBLEM kind of way. I 100% believe in energetic exchange between people. I know that my energy is part of the mix with my kids. I know this could change everything.

So YAY! There is only one minor obstacle between our family and perfect bliss. I just need to get my shit together in a major, in the moment way, when things are at their most stressful. This means I have to react in the OPPOSITE way than my instincts tell me to go.

hmmm.

Bliss looks kind of far from here....

knitting for the thrill of getting caught!

Once in a great while I am inspired. Inspired and confused. Inspired, confused, and amazed. You have to see this, it is AMAZING. And befuddling. And who doesn't need to be awed and befuddled at the same time? You know you do. Go KNITTA!!! And I thought I was nuts for trying to make all these presents for my loved ones. It never occurred to me to be making things to cover... public owned metals! Who needs a sweater when you can look at this?!

a short whine

We adults are sick. Colds. My partner has been sick for over a week, and I seem to have escaped with a milder version that has lasted 4 days so far. The kids seem fine, so far. I am so tired and so tired of feeling this way. sigh.

I feel discontented about a lot of things. The small stuff I am not supposed to sweat feels like it is all towering over me about to crash down and suffocate me but maybe I won't mind because all the LOOMING will be over. I don't feel like giving any of the stuff that is bothering me any power by writing it down. The details are insignificant. But I feel low, low, low. The emotions matter. sigh.

Ah well. If this doesn't help me feel better, it will at lease amuse the kids. Tweet Tweet.

Toy Guide with aTwist

I believe in everything in moderation, so we generally aren't too freaked about which toys our kids play with. They have unholy plastic, electronics, and several other things that would make Waldorfians wheeze. However, I found this toy guide and loved it, since it reminds us what play is really all about. Enjoy!

Count on it.

It was supposed to be a dodecahedron.


Fun for everyone right? It even has a bell in it. And. An extra woogie making it a ... whatever the word is for a thirteen sided thingy. Hang on, let me see if I can find it.... a tridecagon! Well that sounds almost logical. Given the name for a twelve sided figure, I was expecting something truly monstrous. I guess the guys in charge of naming this stuff way back in time were not using any naming convention that involved increasing this blog's humor content. How selfish of them....
Anyway, here is the side with the extra...woogie.



I guess this is the absolute proof that a) when crocheting I can make anything work, even when it doesn't want to and 2) I can't count to 12.

Thank the gods this present is for Beebz and not Pablo. It will make him nuts.