Where am I?

It was hot and humid, the kind where it is an effort to inhale the muggy soup of water and air. I felt tired from breathing, and I was confused. I was somewhere I go everyday, why was today miserable? Why couldn't I breathe?

Was I in Georgia in the late summer? No. The grocery store parking lot after a big rain? No. Inside my dryer just after wet clothes were put in? No. I WAS IN THE SHOWER. With the door closed. And not rushing as fast as I could. What a difference. Every day I shower with the stall door open so I can see the baby, play peek-a-boo while I shampoo, make sure Pablo isn't on the love attack, and all that jazz. I had FORGOTTEN what it feels like to be in a shower without a draft. And taking my own sweet time (7 minutes?)

Ah, motherhood. It challenges you to learn all kinds of new things. Like how to shower in less than 3 minutes with the door open AND LIKE IT.

Halloween II... the update

Thanks for the suggestions! I would totally vote armadillo (BTW, if you think I could make a NON cartoony armadillo costume, you are WAY overestimating my skills, but thanks, honey) but my partner would strike me down. In a kind hearted loving sense, of course. I like the other opinions too, and trust me, Anaconda's opinion does matter to me, but I have news. My boy wants to be a flower again. But get this. Pablo wants to be a BLUE flower. I (thankfully) double checked to confirm that my son, not the penguin, wants to be blue. NO. My son wants to be a RED flower, but PABLO wants blue. He actually wants me to MAKE TWO COSTUMES for when he wants to be himself vs when he wants to be Pablo. oy. We are now in deep negotiations for being half red and half blue, etc.

Of course, since I had an elaborate plan to crochet fairy wings and now it looks like I will just be cutting and gluing felt, I am feeling a bit less stressed about it. Now I just have to find a good pattern for a Solstice dress for the baby to wear. Oh, the fun of dressing a girl!!

Halloween

It is June, aka time to start your kid's Halloween costume if you want to hand make it by October since you have a new baby. My son, aka Pablo, wants to be a fairy. He has been telling me this for months, and I have nodded and said how fun it would be to have wings, etc. All the while I am secretly thinking about how this pushes my gender buttons, and how we went through a lengthy phase when he had long hair and was CONSTANTLY mistaken for a girl. I have been pretty hard on myself for my discomfort with the gender bend. I should be more open, for goodness sake! Its not like I am oh so conventional in my "choices" or anything!

So this morning I asked him why he wants to be a fairy. I was expecting something about the wings, or they are pretty or something. But no, not my kid. He wants to be a fairy BECAUSE IT STARTS WITH F. You see, he has been a "baby" cat, a cat in the hat, a dragon, and an elephant (not in that order). Notice the trend. Oh, and did I mention Pablo is OBSESSED with patterns? We used to think it was letters and numbers. But now we understand ANY pattern is fascinating to him. Hence being an "F" thing. He says a flower would be good too. Thats what he wanted to be last year for a while. Now I know why. I kind of talked him into the Cat in the Hat costume because I was pregnant and exhausted and not really wanting to make a costume. Bad mama. No brownie points.

I then (what was I thinking?!) pointed out that he hasn't been an "A" thing. He stopped and looked very thoughtful. Then he started jumping around screaming, "Can I be an apple? Can I? Can I?" Sigh.

I am sure there will be more to come. Any good "A" costume suggestions?

Hiking the Appalachian Trail

I am rereading Walking Home: A Woman's Pilgrimage on the Appalachian Trail. It is a beautiful, poignant memoir of a woman hiking most of the Appalachian Trail, almost 2000 miles, to find herself. I was reminded of it during a conversation with friends, and I got all crazy wistful thinking about how much I would love to do this hike. Then I started reading the book. Don't get me wrong, I would still like to do it, but it is not the escape my imagination created. In the first 100 pages she gets hypothermia, loses 5 toenails, and has to hang out with military guys constantly having sex/homophobia/let's compare our junk conversations. I mean really. Crazy butch military guys? That's no vacation.

I admit that I was thinking more along the lines of the walking serenely through the woods, listening to birds, feeling the wind on my face as I fell asleep in my comfy sleeping bag (that weighed nothing but felt like a real bed....), stopping at picturesque places to rest and journal about my heavenly growth experience. Not so much of trying to outrun a tornado or being exhausted but having to keep going since you have no shelter and no food or having the flu or trying to outrun a tornado. Did I mention outrunning a tornado? eep.

I still want to do this hike. Part of it. Maybe. When my kids are old enough to go with me and enjoy it and think its fun. Or maybe when they have gone to college and I am trying to find myself again now that my nest is empty. Uh oh. I am getting all romantic about it again. Tornadoes. Think tornadoes. Think about having to train for it. eek.

I asked my partner if she would want to walk the trail too. She looked at me blankly and said, "Have fun. I'll be here." I guess not. Maybe she remembers the book better than I did.

Suicide? Murder? Its all child's play, apparently!

My son's one age appropriate obsession is the Backyardigan's. We watch an episode a day as a calming down thing before bedtime. The Backyardigan's characters have leaped off the TV screen and have invaded our lives completely. They are his favorite imaginary friends. Each family member is usually one of the characters (I am usually Tyrone the moose. Don't know why.). He has been Pablo the penguin for quite a while now. There are days when he won't respond to his actual name. sigh.

Today he informed me that Austin had died. "Oh, no," said I, thinking I was about to hear some awesome concocted story. But I had no idea what was coming.

"He took too much sleeping medicine and died," said Pablo. FYI, we sometimes give Pablo some homeopathic chamomile when he can't sleep, so I was following the sleeping medicine part. But DIED from it? Really? My mind is racing, was it suicide? Accidental overdose? Why are imaginary characters dying in my house, anyway? That one was a little shocking. It got better.

"I gave him too much," admitted Pablo, "That's why he died."

So now it has gone from accidental overdose/ suicide to murder? Yikes. I didn't know my son had it in him. All the while he is looking at me with these big blue eyes, a ginormous grin taking over his whole face.

"Oh, my goodness," said I, trying to think of a good reaction to have.

While I was still thinking, he adds, "I almost missed his mouth, but I managed to get it in." So there was a struggle? My head is spinning.

"Really," I squeaked.

"He was six when it happened. I was eight." Oh good, this is in the future! Its preventable, like in that horrible Tom Cruise movie with the cool computers. "Now I am 32," he states. So not in the future after all. Phooey.

"That's so sad," I say. "Austin is such a sweet kangaroo. He has always been so friendly and kind. He never pushes the baby or anything rascally like that."

"Oh, I can make him be alive again. I just have to give him more sleeping medicine," Pablo the re-animator declares. "Want me to go to the store and get some?"

"Please do!" I am thrilled there is a way out of this one. What a relief. My child won't be wanted for any crimes against fictional beings. A narrow miss.

Where does he get this stuff?!

The Mirror

Carl Jung said if there is anything you would want to change in a child, examine it and see if it is not something that would be better changed in yourself. I say this is true for all people, not just children. When I take the time to notice, I see how some of the most irritating behaviors in others are ones that I share with them. Or ones that I am even worse about doing! It is not easy to step back and reflect. It hurts. Seeing things you don’t like about yourself is not fun. But it makes me a better person every time I walk through the process.

So here are some ugly things I see in myself. Hold the mirror steady, here I go.

I often feel angry about how others aren’t supportive of me and my family because they are too self-involved. Put that one on paper and it gets pretty obvious who is self-involved, eh?

My son’s controlling behavior sometimes gets on my nerves. I mean, when he doesn’t play MY WAY that’s controlling, right? Hmmm.

I often feel unloved. The more I obsess about it, the more I look for evidence that people love me and the more they fail at showing me. In the meantime, what am I doing but withholding my own love based on my judgments? Ouch. That one stings.

I want others to be more patient, more kind, more relaxed in the pressured times. I can’t be, so why would I even think of expecting that of someone else? Especially my 4 year old! Impulse control? What’s that?

Ok, that’s enough self-improvement for one day. Any more and I might just become an actual better person! By the way, its Blogging for LGBT Families day, so please support families of all kinds by sharing some bloggy love!

I am grateful...

I am grateful for my family. The way we all fit together, especially when we are at our best.

I am grateful for my kids. The joy they bring me, the lessons the teach me. Even the frustrations they bring since thats where the best growth is. Even though it sometimes sucks.

I am grateful for my partner, who rides this crazy journey with me, who puts up with me even on my worst days and somehow comes back for more. Here's to hopin' she keeps that up.

I am grateful for my home, my security, my safety.

I am grateful for my health, my intelligence, my humor.

Most of all, right at this moment, I am grateful that I have some brainless TV to go watch, because if I have to think anymore today my head is going to explode, leaving a bloody gooey mess all over everything that I would just have to clean up tomorrow.

I think I will also be grateful for whatever snack I come up with when I walk into the kitchen in a few minutes. If you are betting, I would take cereal. It almost always wins. Especially since I have Bunny Love by Annie's. Gotta love that stuff.

Say g'night, Gracie...