Hey, honey, this is the one I told you not to read, OK?

So we have this agreement in our house. When I get hooked on disturbing things that really upset me, but I can't let them go, and I don't tell my partner because it would upset her too much. The not telling is for both of us, because while I just get really obsessed and upset, she has nightmares. Bad ones. And she wakes me up to talk about it. It behooves all of us for me not to tell her things I read or see concerning children dying, being kidnapped, graphic violence, etc. But it also leaves me no outlet to talk about it, since when I talk to my friends my kids are around and I am generally smart enough not to inflict my traumas on my kids.

When I was pregnant with Beebz, it was polar bears and thank the gods I could talk to my partner about that one. I couldn't stop thinking about the ice caps melting and how polar bears are drowning because they don't know that the iceberg they have been to 1000 times has melted because humans are irresponsible gits. I would tear up, and my partner would look at me and say, "polar bears?" and I would nod and wail. It just broke my heart.

I really try to stay away from all the stuff that will obsess me. I really, really do. This one was innocent, I thought. A show about kids with progeria. I love science and biology and all that good stuff. And I knew that this population has a much lower life expectancy. And the kids are so happy and sweet, even in the face of all kinds of medical issues.

But then a dad started talking about how each birthday is really sad for them because they know that most kids don't make it past 14, so when the child has a birthday, he can't help but count down instead of up. Gulp. And then they talked about their fears of having another child, but when doctors promised these parents there was a 1 in 8 million chance that lightning would strike again, they had another baby. With progeria. And all he can think as he watches and worries with the first child, this will be what it is like with the second, too. Without a doubt, these parents will watch their children die. Way before their time.

Is it any wonder I can't get this out of my head?! If you have kids, give them an extra hug today. And send out a prayer to families touched by this disease.

And don't tell my partner I told you.

Ernie the Babysitter

For more than 18 months, my sweet baby has HATED for me to be away from her. When I had to go back to my (microscopic) part time job, Beebz cried, screamed, and was pretty much inconsolable even though she loves her Ima dearly when I am around. It was horrible. They had a few good nights, where she cried less than 30 minutes out of the 2 hours I was gone. Poor Pablo was usually beside himself, since emotional conflict is one of the things that can drive him over then edge.

We kept thinking things would get better. They didn't. I kept trying to explain it away as normal separation anxiety, which worked for a while... but at 16 months, I didn't have much conviction left in my voice. Around 17 months, she would cry when I left, but would generally be happy after a minute or two, and for the rest of the time.

But then, we discovered the magic of the Sesame Street DVD. Once we let her watch it when I was gone, suddenly Mama leaving was AWESOME! For 3 weeks now, when I say I need to leave, she shouts, "NERNIE!!! DD!!!" and runs to the couch, waiting for someone to turn the TV on. I can barely get a hug and a byebye out of her, she is so intent on getting to watch her beloved Ernie (and Bert) sing and dance. I am so relieved that she is happy, I don't even mind that her transition object is a DVD!* I can't even say how nice it is to not worry about being away from my girl. My partner and I are going crazy this weekend and having the kids' godparents (and ERNIE, of course) babysit while we go see Harry Potter. Wish us luck!!!

(*Of course, the one downside of all this is that in addition to Ernie, Bert, Big Bird, Grover, and all the awesome cast of Sesame Street, she also knows the being that is the antithesis of all that Sesame Street used to stand for, Melmo. I can't stand that fuzzy little red moron. How could they have forgotten that you don't teach kids by talking BELOW their level, but at or above it?! And that the only kids Elmo talks up to are infants who have no business watching TV?! This would be why my kids don't watch modern Sesame Street. sigh. Rant over.)

The Dangers of Having a Blackberry and Reeducating my BRAIN

My off again on again work at home job decided they needed me to be in constant contact (for the rare times they actually need me... it is getting very off again... again.) so they got me a Blackberry. What does this mean? It means I never turn on my computer. I check and write email, I read blogs, I surf the net (much less often because it is in miniature). Pretty much the only thing I can't do easily on it is blog. Which is probably why I got a sweetly worded note from Blogher mentioning that I haven't blogged in over 2 weeks. oops. Has it really been that long?! Where was I?

So here I am, once more committed to giving myself a little time to explore the contents of my brain for the public purview.

In my quest for homeschooling, I am still at the apparently normal evolution where my tendency is to recreate school at home. I am fighting it, and little by little I am remembering how BORING school was, how unhappy I was so much of the time, and how hard I worked just to get along in a social environment what wasn't for me. Since we are playing at this for kindergarten and don't have any "rules" at all, we will spend this year learning how Pablo can best motivate himself. I have decided to have Pablo set some weekly goals (yes, I know that isn't SELF motivated. I just said I am WORKING ON LETTING TRADITIONAL SCHOOLING GO, ok?) We got a little white board and talked about doing workbook pages, reading books, doing art, etc and figured out how much of each he wanted to set a goal to do in a week. FYI, in case you are having rigors that the word "workbook," Pablo begs to do them. He LOVES his workbooks and sometimes goes to sleep with them. To him, getting to do workbooks is living the high life.

For now, I have gotten some Brain Quest workbooks and some other general workbooks while we figure out his grade level(s). I am way too overwhelmed to actually pick a cohesive curriculum. So for now, we play at doing school.

I hope it always feels this much like play! When it starts being WORK, I will know we aren't doing something right.

Lenses, undies, and second thoughts....

Big News!!

Pablo now has glasses! It turns out he is farsighted. He may actually have more significant issues, but the doctor wants him in glasses for a few months to see if his eyes can adjust and improve some tracking issues. We are really excited this may be the beginning of huge changes for him.

In other BIG news, Beebz has decided to potty train. She demands the potty when she needs to go, and stayed dry all day (when we were at home... diapers when we were out. I am not THAT crazy!) and at one point, I walked into the bathroom and she had used her little potty all by herself! We celebrated by going and getting underpants for her. My baby is growing up SO fast!

Finally, we are really second guessing sending Pablo to the second session of his camp. The first session, he loved, and he got rave reviews from his teachers. This time, he is not participating, not interested, and just generally not into it. We actually didn't take him today because his eyes were still really dilated from his eye appointment the day before, and he was SO excited that he didn't have to go... poor guy. We wanted this to be fun, and at this point it is clearly not. At least this makes me feel really confident in our decision to homeschool....

Adventures in Raw Food

I am just that kind of insane that thinks things like.... food planning is just so HARD.... it seems like so much work.... HEY! I think I will try moving the family toward eating a raw food diet....cause that is just so freakin' hard and planning intensive that it will make just plain eating healthy look easy by comparison.... right? Ha. I take all the responsibility. Cause I am crazy. And because I want my finicky boyo to eat more variety. It all started weeks ago when I ordered Evie's Kitchen: Raising an Ecstatic Child. It looked awesome. And intimidating. But I was hopeful. Even cautiously ecstatic.

So today, after much trepidation, we tried out some raw food recipes. I can't say it was a rousing success. It is just SO different. Normally when I cook, it is a fluid experience. I take what the book says into account, but gods forbid I actually FOLLOW it. That would be boring. Recipes never have enough spices, for example. But with raw food, I was too scared to deviate at all. eep.

First I made Pablo "zebras," which is just slices of avocado covered in strips of nori to make stripes. Zebras. Get it? That was a raging success.

Then I started lunch, which was a cauliflower concoction meant to replace the rice for sushi. The recipe called for vast amounts of cauliflower, pine nuts, oils, and 1 TABLESPOON of salt. I thought... seriously?! But I did it. Cause I was scared to screw around with the recipe. Guess what. It was too salty. Are you surprised? Yeah, me neither. So I made ANOTHER batch with NO salt to mix with the first batch. It was yummy. BUT. Since Pablo had tried the salty batch and shrank up like a little slug, he acted like I was I was trying to kill him when I asked him to try the new, adjusted batch. sigh.

And did I mention that I had to make a deal with the kids that I would only use loud kitchen appliances in the BATHROOM with the door closed? My kiddos do not like loud noises. And did I mention this recipe called for a food processor? Yeah. So I prepped all the food, loaded up the food processor, hauled it to the bathroom, ran it at the bathroom counter, and brought it back to the kitchen chock full of mashed yumminess. When I think raw food, I will always think... bathroom.

And then there was dinner. I had planned to make a leek and sweet potato soup. In the bathroom. Blender this time. Yum, right? Well Pablo had his heart set on this parsnip cake something or other. Hey. He was excited about food. Who cares that dinner would be an hour or so late?! So I cooked. Or should I say PREPARED. And we waited. And waited. It became clear that parsnips were not to be. At least not for dinner.

So we dug into the soup. Have you ever taken a huge bite of raw leek? I wouldn't advise it. I tried adding another sweet potato. Suffice it to say that all the sweet potatoes in the world would not be able to conquer the bitterness of a RAW LEEK. (Go ahead and insert any lewd "leek" pun you like here. There were too many to choose from.)

We ate leftovers.

But, we are saving the soup for stock. And I am revamping that recipe, rawness be damned.

Tomorrow we will try the parsnip cake. And I believe we are making something called MONSTER SLIME. I am not kidding. Pray for us.

I freakin' LOVE camp!

Yesterday I got to go to a parent seminar for GT kids at Pablo's camp. I cannot say how nice it was to be in the room with people who really understand giftedness. There was no judgment. There was no armchair diagnosis. Everyone in the room got it. They knew, from years of being with their own GT kids, that these kids aren't just smarter. They are DIFFERENT. I can't remember the last time I felt such a sense of community. I didn't have to fear the judgments and the looks and the... well, the everything that makes me reluctant to expose Pablo to people who just don't get him. Breaking out of isolation is a beautiful thing.

And today I got news that he is "a joy in the classroom," that "he participates so well" and various and sundry other compliments that I was terrified to the bottom of my heart that I would never, ever hear about my child. He fits in at camp. There, he is just a normal kid. He has FRIENDS who say hi to him in the hall. I am overjoyed.

CATCH UP!!

Wow has life been crazy lately. Let me sum up.

My defunct job got it's funk back and I am working from home again. This is great news on the money side of life, but hard from a time management perspective. On days when I work too much I wish I didn't have to work at all, and on days when there is no work I get anxious that the lovely money will vanish again into the ether. sigh.... There is nothing like knowing you create your own anxiety.

My boyo is in day camp. He started last week and seems to really like it. We are thrilled. Of course, this has made me rethink homeschooling for kindergarten. Should he be in school where he can be around other kids all the time? Maybe yes, maybe no. Understand, when he is home he is getting progressively more cranky. Being away from home is clearly tiring him out. He is such an introvert, and he needs his space. School doesn't give him that. But I have absolutely failed at finding a social setting where he can join in and be part of the group. He is just too unlike most other kids. Unless he went to this one certain private school where he could be with peers. If he will take the test. Oy. What to do.

Of course, we can't even send him to the school we would want him to attend until he takes an IQ test. We aren't concerned with his IQ being high enough IF he cooperates, but we are not AT ALL confident that he will comply with the testing. Pablo is a guy who does what he wants with a passion and digs in his heels on anything he doesn't want to do. This includes pretending he doesn't know things just to get away from talking about it sooner. Like if he was being asked questions as part of an IQ test. Ahem.

I am pretty freaked out about homeschooling. I don't think I will be good at it at all. To me anything that has school in it needs structure. And with Pablo, structure means a fight. Friends promise me that I have been unschooling him all this time and that I have done so well, but him being old enough to go to school feels like I have some higher responsibility. To MAKE him learn. I know, I know, all this control nonsense will take all the fun out of it and we will end up in some HUGE power struggle and I will damage him for life. As if I haven't already.

So, what you have missed in the how ever long it has been since I last had time to blog, is that these days I feel incredibly anxious so much of the time about so many things. Things where it feels like there is one right way and I will only know it once it has come and gone and I see it from way over here on the wrong way. sigh....