Mama's Mala

I have been really trying to get more present, stay more present, and generally to stay checked in. To not gravitate toward resentments. To be aware of my thoughts, and to allow them to pass through, rather than sticking around.

I was playing with getting a tattoo on my arm to remind me, playing with words and images. Nothing really fit.

Then I thought of my mala. I thought maybe wearing it would help, and would focus me on my intention. I also thought I could meditate with it in short bursts (not the point, I know, but better than no meditation at all, right?) as needed. I couldn't find it. sigh. I looked everywhere. No dice. Then I decided maybe it was time for a new mala, a new start, a new outlook.

On the way to our camp site, we stopped and I got a new mala. Guava beads. Nothing like what I had before, since I am generally a dark woods kind of girl. This is light in color, and the beads themselves are a little rough. Nothing polished. A little beat up. Perfect for me.

When we got to the woods, Pablo and I asked the universe to bless the mala, to bring me peace, and to help us both be calmer and more focused. We agreed that we would touch it to return to the here and now, and to use it when our emotions were getting overwhelming.

I have worn it for 3 days, and I think it is making a huge difference. It is bulky enough to make me aware of it (so I can breathe) but comfortable enough that I am not bothered by it. Pablo has used it to calm himself down during upsets, holding a bead between his fingers and asking for peace. Today something upset me and at that moment, the tassle on my mala fell into my hand. I took some breaths, I got to a centered space, and I responded from a space of compassion rather than defensiveness.

And did I mention that when we got home from camping I oiled my mala with almond oil and amber essence? Amber is my absolute favorite scent, and I never wear it anymore... no time for fancy stuff for mama! But now my mala smells of amber, and it reminds me of who I used to be, and how I have grown. Some of the pre-mama parts of me are hibernating, but they are not gone for good.

namaste!

My baby is growing up.

A few weeks ago I put away the changing pad that had sat between our two sinks for 5 1/2 years. I must be the only mama in the universe who is sad that her child potty trained so quickly. She is a big girl now, and her most common word is, "DO! DO!" as in, "I want to do this myself!"

Last week I officially declared her a 2 year old, despite having 4 months to go, when she started throwing mini-tantrums over things like having the water on longer when she washed her hands and wanting to pick her own granola bar. She isn't even shaped like a baby. She is skinny like a big kid, with no baby fat. Totally 2.

This weekend she hit a yet another milestone. I turned her carseat forward. She is plenty big enough, and has been increasingly unhappy in the car. I figured turning her around would solve the problem. I was right. sigh.


My little baby is neither little nor a baby. When she weans I will probably have a breakdown.


How did this all happen so fast?!

Pioneer Farms and Family Adventures

Last Friday we went to Pioneer Farms and had a great time. I printed out a map beforehand, so Pablo's major excitement was in being the navigator. Listening to the grownups in costume was really no big thrill in comparison to wide open spaces to run! Except for maybe the blacksmith... he was worthy of talking to. We really had a great time, and were happy to go on Homeschooler's Day. I was hoping to meet some new moms, and make some connections. Sadly, it didn't really happen that way. Everybody was pretty much doing their own thing. Breaking into to this world is a challenge for me, since I seem to have lost all of my social skills in the 6 years since having children. oy.

This weekend, we went camping with my partner's sister's family at Buescher State Park. We had a great time. I used to love to camp, but we haven't really done it since having children, with the exception of one time this spring. We are not really equipped for family camping. I only have a 2 man tent, a cook stove that has one burner, teeny tiny pots and pans, etc. Thankfully, we borrowed my brother in law's stuff, so we had what we needed to get by. I totally know what I want for xmas now, tho. I want the works for family camping. I love it so much. Nothing gets me back to myself like camping does... being in nature is grounding like nothing else.

We are scheduled to go to Inks Lake for a weekend at the end of the month. This could totally be a new addiction!

ADVENTURE DAYS!

How very horrifying. Really. I am embarrassed to admit it but in more than 15 years of living in Austin, I had never gone to Hamilton Pool. Yes, many people had told me about it, but it just never seemed to be a priority to go. We finally went this weekend with my friend who just moved to town and spent the whole day. We had a blast, even if the other adults did tease me about making it a "learning opportunity" (Exploring the formation of stalagtites? That's not learning, that's just cool! Right? Right?!) .

My favorite part was swimming with Pablo under the (scant) falls. Floating and watching the water come down was more refreshing than I could have imagined. The only problem is that Pablo now thinks he can SWIM, ie, without any assistance. While he is improving (greatly!) he still tends to orient his body as if he is standing up rather than laying down, so he sinks. A lot. As long as he has his cool floatie on, all is well. The trick is making sure he remembers whether it is on or off! Mea culpa, I promise I don't have to be reminded to go to Hamilton Pool again! Wow. It was spectacular.

This awesomely fun time has promted me to explore Austin even more. Fridays are now officially ADVENTURE DAYS! Pablo and I have agreed to find some new place to go every Friday. Well, maybe I should amend that to say that I want to find new things. Pablo just wants to go back to Hamilton Pool every week. Ha.

This Friday we are going to Pioneer Farms for homeschoolers day. It is a living museum showing what life was like in the mid-1800s. It should be a blast. We may even get to meet some other homeschoolers, which would be nice. I haven't really broken into the community yet, but I am trying. I am also a little intimidated with going to a place like this with 2 kids who will almost always want to go in opposite directions, but hey, I can only buck up and try, right? Wish us luck!

What happens when you are a sick homeschooler?

You stay home for school. Yeah, despite a sore throat, fever, and possible ear infection, nothing really changed. We have decided 2nd grade is boring, so we are finishing up a few skills and moving on to 3rd. Pablo really wants to move on to 4th, but I am sticking to my guns on doing 3rd first.

I went to a homeschooler's meeting last night and got to meet some great moms. I am feeling more and more confident in homeschooling, and will probably tend closer and closer to the unschooling side of the continuum. Give me some time, tho... this is all freaky new to me. I even confided to a friend that if we find a place in this community and Pablo makes some good friends, I could see continuing with it long term. eek.

This week my partner is off work so we can have a staycation. We were going to hit Sea World once everyone was back to school. CLOSED. Then we thought about Schlitterbahn. CLOSED. Volente Beach? CLOSED. Phooey. All are open on the weekend, but the whole point was to miss the crowds.

Now I guess the whole point is to hope that Pablo gets better so that we can at least go to Hamilton pool during the week. sigh. This vacation is not what we planned.

But since I got to take a nap today, I am really not complaining!

it is one of those days.

I want to run away from home. The boy is HARD. He is so freaking hard sometimes that I think I can't stand it anymore. He talks CONSTANTLY. He NEEDS constantly. And then I blame myself because if I were more patient, loving,peaceful, etc (ie not such a crappy mom) then he would be easy. Or maybe he wouldn't be easy but I wouldn't care because I would be all Zen about him being here to teach me a lesson and that this is my chance to freakin" EVOLVE. Stupid evolving. Who needs it?!

The baby is hard because she doesn't EVER sleep and she is a twiddler of the worst freaking kind and it drives me up the wall and I want to scream but that wouldn't help. It would just scare her and make her cry and then need to nurse to calm down and...twiddle.

My partner is hard because sometimes it seems like everything I say and do is wrong and I hate it and I wonder if anything will ever be OK again in the whole universe.

I just want to cry (again) and I want to run and hide in a hole somewhere and just not have to see anyone for a while but that's not possible cause I am the MOM and we don't get breaks. And yes, I see that saying all this is ridiculous because just today I got a 2 hour massage and new shoes and I got a break for a while. But it wasn't enough. Nothing feels like it will ever be enough because it is all so overwhelmingly HARD.

And my period is due tomorrow.

But I am sure that is completely unrelated to all this.....

Juggling

Someone please tell me how to dedicate 100% of my time to both children at once? They are into such different things, due to their ages. When I get Pablo started on something, he is immediately distracted when I try to keep the baby out of his way. They both want the attention, and I can't really give either one all of me.

I remember in the old days, not really that long ago, when I thought I should get "me time" every day. HA. Now only playing with one kiddo at a time feels like down time. HA. I'm not even getting to read books. Even just a few weeks ago I had time to read around 1000 pages a week. No problem. Now it seems like every moment is completely full. The baby is generally up till 11, and Pablo is up by 6. Argh. Down time? I am not even getting any sleep.

And did I mention the baby is starting to have nightmares? Right on schedule, just like Pablo, around 18 months the bad nightmares began. Oh yeah. Good times.

In the meantime I am breathing. It is all I can do. Just to consider each mindful breath a time for me is all I can do. At least today.